Surrendering to Birth + Peaceful C-Section | Mariah’s Birth Story

Meet Mariah

I remember that in the first week postpartum, it was like, oh, I'm not sleeping at all, but I don't even care. I never have to sleep again because this is like the most magical little baby. I could just stare at her and feel sustained. But then you haven't been sleeping for a week, and it's like, okay, maybe not.

Hey y'all, welcome to The Labor Line, a non-mom's authentic look into the birth experiences of her mom friends. I'm your host, Emily, and today I'm joined by my sweet friend, Mariah.

But real quick, before we get into her and all of her amazingness, I wanted to let you know that today's episode is also available as a video, which is crazy. I did not expect to be able to incorporate video this early on in the podcast. I'm the first to say I'm not super savvy with a video editing or anything of that nature, so I am so grateful that Mariah let me try it out with her. Also, most of the episodes will still be audio only, mainly because your girl is just one person, but it'll be a fun little treat here and there. And so if you were listening to this on an audio only platform, which most of you are, I invite y'all to go over to the YouTube and watch and listen if you'd prefer to enjoy this week's episode that way. Also, subscribe to that YouTube channel. There'll be fun little shorts and things coming soon, and so you can be an early enjoyer of all things YouTube over there. Thank you for that little moment of housekeeping. Back to Mariah. 

So Mariah and I met when I was a senior in college, and super similarly to Anahi a few weeks ago, she and I became friends because, one, Mariah and I lived in the same apartment complex, and two, funnily enough, we also were asked to work with the women's organization in our congregation. So apparently, those two are the perfect storm for making some incredible friends. I actually knew Mariah for like six months before she got married and moved away. But as you'll see, Mariah is one of those people that just leaves a lasting impression on you. She is an incredibly intentional and mindful person, so much so that she actually works as an emotional processing yoga coach. She has a business called Honey, Be Yoga, kind of like, honey, just let it be, which is so cute. And she has an incredible Instagram account, where she shares a bunch of helpful tips and reflections and grounding moments. And she helps individuals and educators connect to themselves through mindfulness, and really just gives a bunch of wonderful insights on what it means to be an empathetic person in the year 2025. So I will definitely have her Instagram linked in the description, and I wanted to say, I was true to my word last week. There is now a links highlight on our Instagram, so her info will live over there as well, if you're finding this a little bit later, or yeah, if that's where you prefer to get all your info.

So I honestly have been looking forward to this episode since recording it. Mariah's reflections on motherhood and bringing babies into the world have truly reshaped something for me. She will share about her experience with feeling really connected to her daughter before she was even born, and she was preparing for a home birth in Maryland, which is not the easiest thing in a very medically minded state like Maryland. And she ends up sharing some really powerful thoughts about surrendering because she had some late pregnancy plot twists, I'll say, that ended up causing her to have a unexpected but gratefully very peaceful c-section, or as she likes to call it, a belly birth, which I love. So I will also say this story comes with the craziest plot twist I have yet heard on the podcast. She does such a good job building up to it, so I won't spoil anything else. But this whole episode truly is just super powerful. So instead of giving more preface and teasers and everything, let's just jump right to it. 

Welcome to the podcast, Mariah. Thank you so much for being here. Tell us a bit about yourself and what you and your sweet family have been up to.

Mariah & Eve

Yes, thank you. I'm so excited to talk about this. Birth is one of my favorite things to talk about. So, yeah, I'm Mariah. Me and my husband and daughter live in Maryland. Me and my husband have been married for a little over four years. Our baby was born a few days before our fourth year anniversary. She was born January 5th. And yeah, we're just kind of living life in Maryland, figuring things out, being new parents. And yeah, I don't know, that's kind of our story.

That's so sweet. I forgot that she was born so close to y'all's anniversary. That's always so tender, I think. Just like a celebration of your new family and then adding cute little, cute little honeys to that family.

And then my birthday is that month too. So we're just got a bunch of Capricorn energy in our family. Lots of earth energy we love.

That's so beautiful. My mom's a Capricorn. Shout out to my mom, and she's just like the anchor to our family. And so that makes sense that there's a lot of that going on in your family because that's just totally the vibe. So I love it. Perfect. Well, remind me. So your sweet daughter's name is Eve. And you said she's about six months old. Is that correct?

Yes, she just turned six months on Saturday. On the fifth. So she's exactly six months. Genevieve, and we call her Eve for short. And she is unbiased, but she is perfect. She is the happiest little girl in the whole world. Yeah, she's amazing.

Pregnancy: Instant Connection to Baby, Switching Doctors, & Late Term Hurdles

Oh, wonderful. I'm so, so excited to hear about the journey that brought her here. So if you're ready, I'd love to jump in. Yeah, so tell me, like, what was your journey to becoming pregnant?

Yeah, okay, I love that you started, like, the journey to becoming pregnant because I relate to you a lot, Emily, when you talk about, like, being obsessed with birth from such an early, like, I wasn't quite into it as that young. But I had an experience when I was 19, just a lady that I had met when I was surfing a mission for my church, wanted to open a birth center, and she's the first person I heard, like, talk about birth in, like, a very empowering and, like, holistic way. And I was just so enthralled, and I just listened to her, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, someday when I'm a mom, like, I'm gonna have a home birth. I'm gonna, like, I just was really obsessed with the idea of birth belonging to women and being an empowering experience, because most of my experience with birth before that had just been that it's just, like, this really painful experience and it's just, like, I don't know, I heard it talked about kind of negatively up until that point. And so I've, for a lot of years, just been really obsessed with being empowered by birth. I know I didn't want to have kids right away. So I'm 30. I always wanted thought of myself having kids in my 30s. So I guess I almost made it because I turned 30 after my baby was born.

Close enough!

Yeah. So yeah, I felt really, I don't know, I guess this is like kind of just jumping into things. But so me and my husband were married pretty early on in our marriage. I definitely felt a baby spirit, like tell me that they wanted to come to earth. I'm super like very in tune with spirits, energies, and things like that. I'm really into. I feel like a very strong presence when I was pretty early on when I was married, and it freaked me out. I remember just like crying to my husband. I'm like, I think we have a baby that wants to come to earth, but I don't want to have a baby yet. Like, I don't want to do it, I'm not ready. And I remember my husband being like, okay, well, whether a baby is ready to come or not, we still get to pick when we have kids. I was like, okay. So yeah, we waited. And honestly, like, there was a point not very long before we started trying for a baby that I felt very strongly, like, we have a little girl, and I felt it was a girl really aren't. So it's crazy that it really is a girl, that it was a girl when I got pregnant. But I felt like a little girl's energy very, very strong, just telling me that she was ready to come. And that was hard because I knew my husband wasn't quite ready to have kids. I remember telling him, like, okay, maybe we should just start trying because we'd never tried. Like we've been married over three years, and we've never even like tried to have a baby. So maybe we should start trying because, you know, it could take like a year at least. That's, you know, not even considering if we have fertility problems. Like we honestly just had no idea what our story or what our journey was going to be. And so that's how I talked to him and do it. I'm like, you know, this might be a really long process and we don't want to wait too long if we want to have kids. And I say this with so much sensitivity because I don't say this lightly because I know so many people have trouble getting pregnant and I can imagine how difficult that is. I honestly thought that was going to be a part of my story. But when I tell you this baby knew it was time for her to come and she was just like, I'm coming no matter what. Like me and my husband got pregnant on the first try. So that was a little shocking. I was like, okay, this is happening. So yeah, that was like almost a year ago exactly that I found out I was pregnant. And from the very beginning, I just like could see this baby. And I'll share this story. This might be like a little woo for people, but I...

That means it's going to be a great story, by the way. I'm excited.

My family is very... So my mom, I'll just... This is like kind of a quick side note. My mom like has had a lot of death in her life. Like she's the youngest of four siblings, and she's lost all her siblings. She's lost with her parents. So I think she's really blessed with this spiritual gift of like being in tune with like people who've passed on, just because I think she's dealt with so much loss. And so she has always been like able to see angels and like have experience. It's just was a very normal part of my vocabulary growing up for my mom to be like, grandma wanted me to tell you this when my grandma's passed away. She'll just have these really beautiful experiences. And I had done kind of like an energetic tune in with a cousin of mine who does kind of energy modalities stuff. And we had kind of both simultaneously had this beautiful vision of this little girl. And we did it together, but then as I was sharing, she had the very same experience. We could see the same. And it was a girl around four years old. And the way that we described her was very similar. And a few days after that experience, my mom called me on the phone, and she was like, I saw your daughter, and this is what she looked like, and this is what she was doing, and this is how she was acting. It was the same exact vision that I had had with my cousin when we were tuning in to my baby. And her presence, in this little vision that we all had, just very energetic, very playful, very like, I don't know how to say, but a big energy. And I could feel that energy in me. I'm very introverted. I could feel that presence as soon as she was conceived. It was truly so wild. And really, like, that made my pregnancy really beautiful because I truly felt so connected to her for nine months. And I'm a pretty anxious person, so, like, anytime I would worry, or especially, like, in those early days when you just don't know, like, when miscarriage is still so likely to happen and all those things, anytime I would have, like, a worry thought, I would just hear, like, this little voice in my head that was like, Mom, I'm fine. I'm coming. Like, there is nothing that you can do that is going to stop me from coming. Like, this is happening. So that was really, really special. Like, I really felt like I could just talk to her, like, a person, the whole time I was pregnant. So super, super beautiful experience. I was so excited. 

Like, I started planning, planning. You cannot plan birth, spoiler alert. But I started planning for her birth very, very early on in my pregnancy. Like, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was like, okay, we're going to do all the things. This is going to be a positive experience. Like, I wanted to talk really positive. I wanted to have like a positive energy. And so I did a lot of kind of work to prepare for the birth that I had wanted. I live in Maryland, and all of my family is on the West Coast. So I'm really new to the area that I live in, and so I didn't really know, like, what kind of options were available for birth. I knew that I had wanted to have a home birth, but I didn't know what that looked like. And like, Maryland is a very medically minded state, and so like, I just didn't really know how to go about that. So that was a little challenging. I remember doing some interviews with home birth midwives and not having super good vibes with the ones that I had interviewed with for, you know, whatever reason, this and that, like things I was just feeling kind of off about home birth, even though I like desperately wanted one. So I ended up finding a hospital who had a team of midwives rather than a team of OBs, and that felt really good for both me and my husband, because we really were wanting to do this kind of more holistic approach and, you know, try for an unmedicated birth and all those things. So yeah, we found this hospital that we really liked, and I was so determined to have this unmedicated birth that I truly did like all the things, Emily. Like, I can't even, I was like, listening to positive birth stories every single day. I like changed my diet. I was like downloading courses for how to prepare the body, the mind and the spirit for birth. I was like doing breathing. I hired a prenatal yoga coach right away. I hired a doula right away. Like, I was doing all these things because I was like, this is going to be like a positive and empowering story. And it's going to be like, I'm going to, like I'm going to be able to do this. And it's going to be like, I just kind of had this vision. And I also would visualize my birth every single day. Like, I would do my little prenatal yoga, and I would visualize having my baby, and I'd cry like twice a day because it just felt so sacred and so special. Like, it truly was just so, I just felt like a goddess.

Yes!

It really was so incredible. And I was so excited. So anyway, yeah, that's kind of like what my pregnancy started to look like. As I started going to appointments, I started feeling really frustrated with the medical system because I still was planning to have like an unmedicated birth in a hospital setting. Also, for like, just anyone listening, I know I sound like such a crunchy mom, but like, I just want to give a spoiler alert that like because of the birth that I ended up happening, my perspective has changed so much. Like, I have so much more of an open mind than I did with birth. Like, I was so like kind of set on, you know, birth has like, not that birth has to be a certain way, but I don't know, in the community of like holistic birth, I feel like there's this message of however birth happens is good, but there's like secretly kind of this undertoned like shame if it's not done naturally or holistically or without medication. And so I think I unknowingly was like taking that on, and I like felt like that's how it had to be. And I remember even hearing people tell me like, oh yeah, I wanted to have an unmedicated birth, but then XYZ happened. And like in my little brain, I'm like, oh, it's because, you know, you, you know, the medical system took that away from you. You could have been able to do it if this, that, or the other. Like these interventions are so unnecessary, and C-section should like rarely happen. Like this was really my mindset. And I was really adamant that like birth, more often than not, goes well without intervention. That all flipped on its head when I actually got to my birth. But I just say that to be like, when I was in my pregnancy, I was starting to get very frustrated by kind of the routine hospital systems that were in place, and feeling like I was not being heard, or I was really prepping myself to advocate for myself in the hospital. But I also had this just like, that feeling of like, I don't wanna have to advocate for myself. I just wanna have the birth that I wanna have without needing to advocate for what procedures I do or don't want, or what interventions I do or don't want, and things like that. So at one point in my pregnancy, I reached out to my doula and said, I just wanna have a home birth. Is there like anyone you know that can do this? And she actually told me, I can do your home birth. Like I'm certified now to be a midwife. So I can do it. And I was like, wow, this is like exactly what I want. I felt like, oh my gosh, this is just gonna be exactly how I envisioned it and how I imagined it. So about 30 weeks into my pregnancy, I switched to home birth. And that was my plan. Looking back, I realized it was about when I switched to home birth that I started having a lot of issues pop up in my pregnancy, which had gone really smoothly and really healthy the whole time. And so it was about at 30. Well, so first, the first bump was at 34 weeks pregnant. At my anatomy scan, I found out that my baby was breech, and they just typically want the baby to be head down by 36 weeks. And so we still had time. But I also know in the state of Maryland, it's not legal to have a home birth with breech baby. And so I knew that if she stayed breech, I wouldn't be able to have my home birth. And so I went to the chiropractor every single day for two weeks. Emily?

Oh, my gosh. I'm like, this baby's going to flip. Yes. It's like, do you want to get lunch next time I come? Do you want to just live there at that point? 

That is dedication. Absolutely dedication.

Well, I was a little crazy.

I would be too.

I'm like, no, I'm going to have a home birth. This is happening. I'm going to do it the way that I want. It's possible. We're going to get rid of all the interventions. This is going to be fine. And I talked to my baby. Like I said, I felt her spirit. So I'd be like, baby, I really need you to flip. I don't know why you're a breech. I don't know if it's more comfy this way, but please flip. And I just could feel her be like, mom, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. At 36 weeks, she flipped. She just had down. I'm like, okay, we did it. Everything's fine. Back to the regularly scheduled program. And so she had flipped. I went in for one of my... So even though I had switched to home birth, I was still going to my appointments at the hospital with the hospital midwives, just in case I needed to transfer. So it'd be easier to transfer. And...

Quick, can I ask a quick question about that? Sorry, not to interrupt. Was there weirdness between the hospital midwives being like... Did you have to kind of fake that you were gonna go with them, or were you able to be open?

No.

Okay, that's what I was curious about.

My home birth midwife said, maybe don't tell them that you're planning home birth.

Sure.

There are so many shocking elements to this story, Emily, though. Just like, hang in. Because it's crazy. It gets crazy. So, yeah, I didn't tell them that I was having a home birth. So when I went in for my 37-week appointment, they were like, okay, baby's head down. Yay. They're like, also, your blood pressure is a little high. So maybe you should go into labor and delivery just to check for preeclampsia. I was so like, no, I don't want to do that. My blood pressure is fine. It's normal for it to increase as pregnancy goes on. Like I was so like on a little soapbox. I'm like, don't try and intervene. This is not happening. Also, it was like after Christmas, and my husband had booked a prenatal massage for me. So I'm like, I have a massage to get to. Like, I'm not going to the hospital. But ultimately, my little anxious brain won. And it's like, okay, let's just check. Because then if they rule out preeclampsia, then I don't have to worry about it. So we go to the hospital. I don't have preeclampsia. But they try and diagnose me with gestational hypertension. Because I had two high readings. I'm doing air quotes. Two high readings of high blood pressure. But they were both taken under like, like they were monitoring my blood pressure the entire like four-hour stay that I was there. And both the high readings were like during very stressful situations. So they were like, you need to come in and get induced tomorrow. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is the thing that I've been worried about the whole time, that you're going to like give me these numbers, you're going to say I have to get induced, and then I'm going to be on pitocin, and I'm not going to be able to have natural labor, and then I'm, you know, like all these things. I'm like, no, this is the thing I've been avoiding. So in that moment, I was like, I felt pretty empowered. I'm like, no, I'm going to decline that. And then they're like, you know, use all those scare tactics, like, no, you know, if this happens, then you're at risk for this and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay, I will take my blood pressure every day at home. I will keep a close eye on it. If anything changes, come in and get induced. And they were like, fine, but you have to, you know, they just make you feel all guilty about it, whatever. So I was like, okay, I'm not going to get induced. It's fine. 

But then I also was like, get home. And I'm like, okay, what if we do have to get induced? We're all prepped now for home birth. We've got the bird pool at home. We've got all this stuff. And I'm just like talking to my midwife. I'm like, I don't know, like, maybe we should be prepared to go to the hospital if we need. We have nothing ready. We don't have a car seat because I was so adamant that I was going to go past 40 weeks. So I was like, not prepped. And so I was like, okay, well, maybe we just get prepped just in case. That way, if we need to go, it's like, we're ready. It's fine. So we did, we get all prepped for in case we need to go to the hospital early and get in dues. And then we had like my first home birth visit, like the visit with the midwife. I felt so off during this. And looking back, like there's a reason why, but I was just like shoving it aside. I'm like, no, no, no, no. It's just because I'm nervous. It's just because I want a home birth so bad. I'm afraid it's going to be taken away. But I also feel like there's this whiplash. Like, okay, we're doing a home birth. Okay, wait, baby's breech. We probably can't do it. Okay, no, not getting a dues. Like, you don't know what you're talking about. Okay, wait, maybe I do. Like it felt very like unsettling. Like I didn't know what was going to happen. And like I said, I would visualize my birth, and I could see both. Like sometimes I visualized my birth, and it was in a hospital. Sometimes I'd visualize my birth, and it was at home, and I'm just like, I just like don't know what's happening. But I was monitoring my blood pressure, and it was fine, like it was normal. So it's like, I don't have gestational hypertension. Everything's fine. I know I don't have preeclampsia, because I tested negative for it. And so I was like, okay, this is not a big deal. I remember it was like around New Year's. So I think it was the third, that same cousin that I mentioned, who does the energy work, she does like a New Year's energy ceremony every year. So I had gone to that, and she does like, we do this kind of spiritual tune in, and you get like, you tune into like a word of the year, color of the year, animal of the year, like all these things that are supposed to like symbolize year to year. And the word that came to me very strongly was surrender.

Wow. That's a hard word for it to come to you.

Yeah, it was a hard word. But I was also just like, okay, like it's gonna be fine. And also, so my cousin who was leading it was like, I kind of tuned in to each person that's here, and I had like a phrase come to me for each of you. So if you want to know what it is. And so I asked her what mine was, and she was like, the phrase that came to me for you was, peaceful birth. And that brought me like so much comfort. I'm like, okay, my birth is going to be peaceful. It's going to be fine. But in my head still, I'm like, a peaceful birth means I'm going to have an unmedicated home birth. That's what peaceful birth meant to me in my head. So, yeah, that was about at like, I think it was actually that night, that night after I had done that little energy work. I had gone to bed with really itchy hands and itchy feet, which I knew from my sister-in-law is a sign of high liver enzymes, which is a symptom of something called cholestasis, which is really dangerous in pregnancy. And so I was kind of in my head about that, and I was like, okay, it's probably nothing. And I sometimes can, like I have diagnosed OCD, so sometimes I can really go down a health rabbit hole, and it's not healthy or not good. So I kind of told myself like, this is probably just my OCD. I'm not going to look into it. Like, and there had been a lot of stress at this time in my pregnancy just because of the kind of health things popping up. And I felt very strongly like, if something's wrong, you'll know. So just try not to worry because if something really is wrong, you'll know. And I just remember like breathing and grounding and kind of sinking into myself. And when I had done that, I just kind of automatically got on the computer. And that's when I had learned more about cholestasis. And I called my midwife and she's like, I think you should go get it checked. And it was like a weekend. So none of the labs to go get it tested were open. And so like, okay, well, I think that means I need to go to labor and delivery. At this point, I felt so calm because it came from a place of like sinking into myself rather than being in that anxious head space. And so I was like, okay, you know what? I'm gonna go, I'm gonna get it tested just so that I can know I can be back to my home birth plan. They're gonna say that it's negative, but I'm not gonna have to worry. Like I felt very calm. I really felt that like peaceful birth just was like ringing in my head. So, and we took our time to go get this tested. We went and saw Wicked, and we went out to have dinner, and I was like, after we have dinner, then we'll go to the hospital. We went to the hospital. We didn't bring anything with us because we're like, we're not staying. We're just gonna get a test. And I think we brought the Switch with us. We were playing the Switch Golf in Triage.

What a vibe. What a total vibe. It was so fun.

Delivery: Pre-eclampsia, Breech Baby, Empowering Hospital Staff, & Positive C-Section

We're just like, this is fine. This is cool. I'm like, yeah, we think I have cholestasis. I got itchy palms, whatever. I just got to... And they were like... Then they tell me, they're like, so the test for cholestasis actually takes five to seven days, but we'll just do the preeclampsia test because that checks for liver enzymes as well. And so then we can know how high your liver enzymes are, and that will tell us if you have cholestasis. And so I was like, oh, perfect. Not gonna worry about that because I just got tested for preeclampsia, and I was fine. So my liver enzymes are probably fine because I just had that test. So we're just vibing. The midwife comes in, the midwife at the hospital, and she's like, hey, your liver enzymes have tripled since last week, and you have preeclampsia. And I was like, what?

Oh, my gosh, that would be so jarring.

It was so jarring. Because I had had all these stressors, and they had just gone away because I'm like, no, everything's fine. I had really felt peaceful. And so to feel that peace, and then to have that dropped, I just lost it. And I remember telling her, I just cried, and I was like, okay, what does that mean? Because this isn't like, okay, you're telling me I have gestational hypertension, but that's like, it's kind of like this vague, this is like the baseline for the diagnosis. But preeclampsia, it's like, no, you have preeclampsia. It's not like an interpretation. It's like real. And so she said, we're going to recommend that you stay tonight and get induced. Because the typical recommendation for preeclampsia is to get induced at 36 weeks, and I was a day away from 38 weeks. And so she's like, you need to get induced like as soon as possible. And the energy was very different, which I'm really grateful for. Like I'm grateful to have had a week ago, someone say, you need to come in and get induced. And like in my gut, I'm like, no, I don't. And to have the energy, like, yes, this is happening, and I have to surrender. Like this is happening. And so I knew that was the recommendation. 

This midwife was very respectful though. Like even though I knew and she knew that's really what needed to happen, I said, can I have a minute to talk about it with my husband? And she was like, of course. And so she left the room, and me and my husband just burst into tears. Like we were like, okay, this is what's happening. Like we have to get induced tonight. And it was like the very first start of that feeling of like, oh, what I want isn't going to happen, but not quite because I was like, well, it's okay. Like this was our original plan. My original plan was to have an unmedicated birth in the hospital. We can still do that. I can, and I was just like trying to really feeling empowered. I'm like, no, I can have an unmedicated birth on pitocin. I know that I can. I've been preparing so hard for this, like not just my body, but my mind. Like I've been doing mental work to be able to deliver this baby naturally for nine months. Like I can do this. And so when she came back in, we were like, okay. And I did tell her at that point, I said the reason we're so emotional is because I was planning on having a home birth. And she was so nice. She was like, I totally understand. We're going to make sure you have a team that is going to be like pro unmedicated birth that's going to advocate for you. Like you can do this. And I told her, I said, I know you want me to stay, but we have a lot of stuff to kind of be able to get through the unmedicated birth. Like I had snacks and like labor stuff and like all these kind of like pain management tools. And also like we didn't bring anything with us. We didn't have a car seat or anything. 

So it's like, we're going to go home and get that stuff ready. And she was like, okay, you'll just have to like sign a paper saying that you like we advise you to stay. And I was like, yeah, we'll be back in like a few hours. So we went home, we got everything ready. At this point, it's like midnight. So we got back to the hospital about 1 a.m. And I was still just like feeling peaceful and like, okay, it's going to be okay. We're still going to have this like natural holistic birth that I've planned. I know what I want. I know how to advocate for myself. It's going to be fine. And so we got everything we go, we get admitted. And like truthfully, when I say like, I was given Earthly Angels at the hospital, because I have a lot of negative experiences with nurses leading up. I mean, that's ultimately why I wanted to switch to home birth. I had the best nurses and midwife for this whole time at the hospital. Like it was truly just like they were sent to me. And so, we go into the room, and the main thing I was worried about was like having energy, because it's like 1 a.m. and I haven't slept. They really, really wanted to like do this unmedicated. So we're about to start the induction, and my midwife says, okay, real quick, just before we start the induction, we just need to check baby's position. And I was like, yeah, sure. So they check baby's position, and they're like, your baby is breech. Like, no way, oh my gosh. And like, I was so shocked. And I, so honestly though, I felt her flip when we were at the movie. So I said, we had gone to Wicked. We're like in the middle of, it's really ironic. It was that song, Something Bad. And I like legit felt her. She was at my whole pregnancy, wiggly baby. Like I told you she had a big energy. They could barely ever read her heart rate because she was just like moving and grooving 24-7 all the time. So I felt a big jolt. And I remember like grabbing husband. I'm like, Tyler, I think she flipped. And he's like, what? And I was like feeling, because I was getting really good at checking where her head was at, where her bum was at, where her feet were at. And I'm like, no, no, no, it's okay. I think, I think that's actually just her bum. I don't think it's her head. It's fine. But no, I think that moment is when she flipped. And so I was like, okay, okay, okay. I was like, so what does that mean? What are we doing? Because I had been told early on, like, if you want to have a breach baby vaginally, like you have to transfer to a hospital in Virginia because this hospital is like not practiced in breach deliveries. Because I would be fine with a breach delivery. But I remember talking to the hospital midwives, like, if my baby's breached, will you deliver me vaginally? And these midwives were so good at like, they were so good at reminding me that they can't force me to do anything.

So they had told me that. They're like, no, we're not practicing breach. I would not recommend delivering breach. But at the end of the day, like, we can't tell you what to do. If you tell us to deliver, you breach, we will. But it doesn't have great outcomes at this practice because it's not something we're specialized in. And so I was like, okay, well, I'm not going to like put my baby at risk. And so and she was really nice. She's like, you know, we're going to, I'm going to talk to the OB who's on call. He might not automatically recommend a C-section. So we still just like don't know. And so she's like, so I'm going to talk to him. I said, in the meantime, can I like do my, my little flipping baby exercises? Because I'm like, she's flipped before I've gotten her to do it. And so they're like, yeah, do whatever you can. So me and Tyler are like starting to do those exercises. But I knew like in that moment in my gut and in my soul, I knew that I was going to be having a C-section. But I was still just like holding on to like, no, maybe something will change. And so they have that like procedure to where they can like manually flip the baby. And I had read about that when she was first breech and I felt very off about it. And I remember like talking to my baby about it. And she was just like, no, I don't want that. Like I don't want that done. So like either she's going to flip or not. And so I was a little relieved even though I did like C-section was the last thing I wanted. I was relieved when they said, okay, so he is going to recommend C-section because he says you're not a good candidate for the flipping, the manual flip because of the preeclampsia. And I was like, yeah, I don't, I wouldn't want to do that anyway. And he was like so great. He even told me like, if you want, we can transfer you to a hospital in Virginia if you'd like to deliver vaginally. However, I don't know if they would accept you because of the preeclampsia, like you'd still be high risk. And so, and I had already like that word was just replaying in my mind over and over again. It was like, no, like this is part of it. I have to surrender. I have to surrender to this. And so I was like, no, it's okay. So, and I, and again, they knew that I was planning a home birth. They knew that this was like the opposite of my plan. And so they were very, very respectful. 

So they left me and my husband. And that moment in the hospital, when we just like knew everything that we had planned for, like paying for a midwife, paying for a doula, paying for all these, like the chiropractic care, just all these things that we had just poured, not only our heart and soul into, but like monetarily, we poured a lot into this. Like, it was just devastating. And also one of the most... I don't even know how to describe it. Like maybe sacred, but it was just like this beautiful moment for me and my husband to be so humbled and to be like, we have no control. Like, we are, this is not, this is not an earthly thing. We don't have control over this. Like, this is, we have to turn this over to God. This never was in our hands. This never was something that we could plan for. And also, like, we don't regret doing any of that. I'm so grateful that I did all that prep and all that work and that I visualized my birth. And I just knew, I'm like, this can still be peaceful. This can still be peaceful experience. So it's just like this very, like, like the spirit that we felt was just, like, thick. And it was just, like, filled with so many emotions. Just, like, peace, but grief, sadness, but hope and joy. Like, it was just so many emotions all at once that we just cried, like, we just wept. It was very, very surreal and very, very humbling.

That's just stunning. Absolutely stunning. Like, and for you to be able to hold space for that spectrum of emotions, right? I mean, that's something that I can see, like, your prep in all of this, like you had mentioned before, like, not even just the physical prep, but the mental prep, like... Yeah... .culminated. It feels like in that moment, just, wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm speechless just hearing it. I can't even imagine feeling it. Yeah.

It was a lot. It was really, really, like, and it's so hard to describe, because I wouldn't say that it was heavy, because there was so much, like, peace, like, so much peace, but it also wasn't light. Like, it was just, it was a lot. Like, I don't know what to say, but it was a lot. And it was very bonding. Like, it was such a, it was a very, very pure experience, like, where me and my husband and my baby and God, like, all four of us, we were just, like, so united in that moment. And it really was just a moment where we just said, we just have to, like, like, I wanted to feel empowered, and I did, but I'm like, but also this is not just me. Like, I have to really let God in. I have to really let our baby in. Like, and I also felt, I'm like, our baby has a plan. Like, I really, really truly believe that my baby chose her birth. And I don't know all the reasons why, but I know that she chose this, because I just don't think it's a coincidence that, like, she finally flipped for my peace of mind, and then the day that I went in the hospital, she'd be like, okay, this is the position I'm gonna be in. And a lot of people call her stubborn, or a little stinker, or like, oh, you're not in the right spot. And I'm like, no, she knew exactly what she was doing. She, or whatever, like, I don't know all the reasons, but a lot of it unfolded afterwards that I found out that I'll give in to. But I really was just like, okay, this is what she wants. And so I'm gonna trust her. It's gonna be okay. And it was like really hard to wake up in the morning and to get prepared for surgery, like when I wanted something to be so holistic. And like, one of the things that I have a lot of grief about still, and I still get really emotional, is I never went into labor. Like, I didn't get a chance to labor, and I really was excited for that. And it's kind of painful when some people hear my story, and they're like, oh, you're so lucky you didn't have to labor, you could just have a C-section. I'm like, giving birth is something that I've dreamed about for years, and it really did feel like it was being taken away from me. And just not get to all those kind of exciting things of, oh, my water broke and all this. I didn't experience any of that. So going in and prepping for a medical surgery was really, really hard. But I really just kept having that reminder of, it's just time to surrender. It's time to surrender. And I had so many beautiful symbols with me and reminders and just all these angels and all the support. And I remember talking to the OB, and he was so positive. He's like, I know this isn't what you planned, but today is a good day because it's your daughter's birthday. Like, this is a good day.

Sweet.

He was so sweet.

That's so tender.

And so it's like, and he was like, what can we do? And, you know, because I had my birth plan, and he's like, well, let's look at your birth plan and see what we can incorporate. So, you know, he like, let me take my music back with me into the procedure room. And he said he was going to do the delayed cord clamping. And he's like, skin to skin of course is going to be my goal. Sometimes that's not realistic, you know, because a lot of times the babies will have fluid in their lungs because they don't get that like squeeze out from the vaginal delivery. So he's like, but like, my goal is to get her on you, like as soon as we can. And so he was very, very like considerate of the things that I wanted and the things that were important to me. So yeah, we got prepped for surgery. And even the nurse, like she, so I had these, I didn't have this bracelet made at the time that I'm wearing, but I had these stones. These were from my mom. She planned a mother's blessing for me that didn't end up getting to happen before my birth, but I got to have it with my little newborn, which was really special. I was wearing these little stones and the nurse was like telling me to take off my jewelry to go into surgery. And then, but she noticed the rocks on my wrist and she's like, those look really special. What are those? And so I told her, you know, they're from my mom, they're meant to give me strength my birth. And she said, you can keep that. You should keep that on your wrist.

Such good people. Like you said, I know angels, like truly just so they like, how many C-sections have they had in their lifetime? And she took that moment to like see you. Oh my gosh, that's beautiful.

It was so beautiful. She gave me a little affirmation card. She gave me a little stress ball. And so we went in there and we had my music and that was another, just one of those moments, like those like 30 minutes in the procedure room. We were like, there was moments of crying, there was moments of laughing, there was moments of just like all the things, just a really special moment for me and my husband to connect, like really truthfully the last time that it was just me and him. And what was so powerful about my belly birth is what I like to call it, because I don't like that C-section takes the word birth out of it. So it was my belly birth.

I love that.

But the doctor, even though I didn't get her on my chest right away when he held her up, it was that moment that I visualized of finally delivering my baby, and it being me and my body, that still was the experience. I was so worried that with a baby being cut out of me, that I wasn't going to feel that. But it was just, it still was this really sacred, like they think of the words out of my mouth where I did it, like I did it. It still felt so much a part of me and my body and my soul, like delivering that baby, which was so special. And they did have to take her to pump her lungs, but I could see her. It was really nice. They like kept her in the same room, so I could like see what was going on. And as they like wheeled me out into the recovery room, and I like saw her, and my husband got to stay with her and cut the cord and all of that, I just got this very clear like reminder that my daughter is this little extroverted social girl. And I'm like, oh, this girl did not want to be at home with mom and dad and no one else. She's like, boring. She's like, like, I saw her surrounded by all these nurses, and she's like, this is what I want. Like, I want to be with all these people. I want this to be like a show and a party. And I just like, surrounded by these women, I'm just like, she is okay. Like, I was so set on like, I want to be the first one. I don't want anyone else there. I want it to be sacred and just me. But it's like, she had a plan too. And this is what she wanted. And it was just like this really sweet moment where I thought it was going to feel so like medical and removed and I was just like, this is beautiful. She is so happy. She is just like, taken on earth and full strides. Like, I think she loved the drama of it.

She's like, people need to witness the moment that Eve began.

I am the moment…

Yes, exactly.

It was just like this cute little, like it made me giggle as I looked at her. I'm like, oh, she's good. She's fine.

That's so tender.

And then it was like, so, yeah, it was probably about an hour before I got her on my chest. And I still, I look at that photo. It's like a photo of me in wires and a hospital gown, and I'm just like ugly crying. And it's like my favorite picture in the whole world, even though I like really wanted this really natural, holistic, like hippie in my house. With my baby, but it's like exactly what it was meant to be. And it was her birth. It wasn't just mine, it was hers. And I'm so grateful to have trusted her and to know that it truly, truly, truly does not matter. I mean, it matters, but it doesn't matter how your baby gets there. However you get your baby there, like it is something that belongs to you and to your baby. And it is sacred no matter what. And I'm like, I'm a better and changed person for being humbled in that way and seeing that birth truly is sacred no matter what, no matter how. And I wouldn't have felt that way. I think I would have been like a little bit still on a soapbox if I had had my natural home birth. I think it really made me a lot more compassionate and a mom's mom. I just want to add that post that you posted about being a mom's mom. It's all so sacred and so good.

Yes. How sacred of a thing for you to have shared. And truthfully, the word that keeps coming to my mind is selflessness. For you to be able to share this experience with your baby, with your husband, with God, I feel like that takes so much trust and so much pure love. And I literally have never, ever, ever thought of it that way or heard of it in this way. And it feels so pure and true because it is like, yes, your body is doing this, and your body is the vessel for this, but it's not an isolated thing, right? It's this like, you can't separate one from the other, right? And so truly, I'm just drinking this up. It is just such a beautiful perspective that you're bringing, and it just, I don't know, like, I am so glad that you are at a place where you feel at peace with it, because truly, like, it feels so... It feels like it's coming from such a healed place, or maybe even just, like, a pure place. I keep saying pure, but it just feels that way, right?

It is. It does feel very pure and very, like, oh, yeah, just right. Yeah, because I'm not going to lie, like, I still have moments of grief. I still, like, get really sad about not having it the way that I wanted it to be. But I am able to hold that grief with also knowing that this really was exactly what was supposed to happen. And I share this. I don't want to, like, go too into this, because this is, like, probably the saddest part about my birth story that I, like, almost wish wasn't. But, like, I say that my baby had a plan, and there was a reason. I found out, through a pretty unfortunate circumstances, that my midwife, the home birth midwife, who was originally my doula, was not actually a certified home birth midwife. And she, and the reason I found out is cause she, like, she got pretty emotionally abusive postpartum. And I was really like, what is going on? This is not me. Like, I'm not doing, like, it was really good that I had the confidence and awareness to be like, the way she's acting and treating is not, I didn't do anything wrong. She's like, something's clearly off. And I, yeah, I mean, you can just look up, you can look up people's certifications, which I learned from my chiropractor. She was not certified.

Oh my gosh, that's terrible. Like that, like, seriously, like, I feel like I just had a jump scare, like, for real, like, that is so scary. What the heck?

And when I learned that, I'm like, oh my gosh, my daughter totally protected me. She was, like, keeping me from a really dangerous situation.

Chills, literal chills, like, she knew.

She knew. And like I said, when I, because I, like, I still would love to have a home birth midwife. Like, I'm not saying this to, like, thumbs down, home birth midwife, like, that's still, like, my ultimate what I would love to have. And this is not the norm, obviously, what happened. But because this, because this was the person that I was dealing with, like, truthfully, all of my pregnancy issues started as soon as I switched over to her care.

Interesting. 

Like, everything was conspiring against us. And I'm so, I, like, pride myself on being pretty intuitive, but I can look back and see the flags and see me pushing them aside because I desperately wanted the home birth. And I found out that midwife that I'd interviewed in the early, like, part of my pregnancy that I fell off about, this doula, who wasn't actually midwife, was working under her. So I'm just like, oh, it was there all along. And I just pushed it aside because I'm like, no, I want the home birth. I want the home birth. Like, this is going to work. And it was hard because we really did feel good about it. Like, we felt good about hiring her. And I don't, like, I don't know. What was one of the affirmations that I said during my birth that I still say is, like, I am intuitive. And I am willing to be wrong. And this was, it doesn't mean that I'm not intuitive, but this is just one of those things. My intuition was off, and that's okay. It's not always going to be right. It doesn't mean I'm not an in tune person. But it was something I was wrong about. And that, that I have healed from. Like, I don't have guilt around that. It is just really sad and really unfortunate.

Why on earth would you lie about that? I just can't get over that. That's just so Icky. But truly, just such an energy shift even of just like that coming to light. And I'm so glad that you didn't end up with a fraud of a person in this very intentional real thing. To have someone that's being very unreal is just not. Anyways, that's so yucky. So, reminder to everybody, I guess, to like check if your people are who they say they are, because who knew? Yeah, you can check. Yeah.

Look it up. Make sure. I mean, like, and my character when she, because when I told her the story of like the emotional abuse, she was like, Mariah, it sounds like she's not a midwife. And I was like, what? And so she like, we can look it up. Like it was so, that was like her first thought. And when she looked it up, she was like apologizing. She's like, I'm sorry we didn't look this up sooner. I'm like, why would we have thought to do that? Why would we have thought to be like, I wonder if she actually was certified. Like she told me she was. Why would she lie about that? Like, I don't know.

The question still stands. Why would you ever do that? But some people, I guess, I don't know. That's anyways, we don't have to linger on that. But yeah, no, well, so beyond just like the weirdness or negativity or whatever you want to say that that midwife brought, how was postpartum for you? Like, I know obviously like six months in, you're still in it. Like that immediate kind of till now, how has that been for you?

Postpartum: Overproduction in Breastfeeding, Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, & Emotional Struggles

Yeah, so postpartum in the hospital was really hard because that was something that wasn't prepared for. I didn't expect to be in a hospital postpartum. I didn't expect to be recovering from a C-section. So C-section recovery was and has been really hard. Breastfeeding has was, breastfeeding has been this weird thing where it's like, it's been really good, but it had a bumpy start. But what I'd wanted to share was, I was really worried not having skin-to-skin right away would make breastfeeding really hard, because I really wanted the skin-to-skin and the breast crawl and all this holistic stuff of just nursing right away. My baby latched on immediately, and I had so much fear around breastfeeding. It was one of those things that I'm like, if I can't do it, it's gonna be okay. I really want to, but I wanna make sure I'm giving myself grace. And I wanna share that because I feel like, with Eve's little plan that she had that was not mine, I feel like breastfeeding was her gift to me. She's like, we can keep this mom. We can do this little holistic thing that you really want, and it's gonna be good. So that's been a really, really bonding thing for me and my baby, not without its struggles, for sure. Breastfeeding takes a lot out of you. And I want to share this too, in case, I don't know if other moms have this experience, but they talk about with breastfeeding, there's like the oxytocin release, and that, yeah, it's just like, and it is, it's like really bonding. But when my baby latches, and I didn't know, I was like, is this because I'm really empathic and really sensitive? But I get this feeling every time she latched on of just like dread and doom and like major, like I don't even know how to express it, but it's a real thing that happened. It happens to some women. It's called like the impending doom feeling. It's like a hormone release that it just feels really dark and really scary. And then it goes away and it's fine. And I've noticed it now more so, like it's when I'm really like overstimulated or dysregulated or I'm not taking time for myself. And so like early postpartum, it happened all the time because you're so sleep deprived. But I just think that that happens to anyone, like that's normal and it's okay. And it's really hard. That's a weird thing. But yeah, it's better now.

Yeah. I've heard that a little bit, but like, I had never heard about it. It's like what in my body, like what genetically or like biologically, why is this a thing? So thank you for sharing that and just reminding like, it's okay. Like, you know, if it goes away once the feeding starts, it's okay. Yeah.

Yeah. And I had another thing, like people always talk about under supply and like how to get your supply up. No one, at least in my circle, ever talked about oversupply and how that can be as big of an issue for different reasons. So I had an oversupply issue. So I was like getting clogged milk ducts like all the time. And I was getting, and again, I have OCD. And so I was like, oh my gosh, I think I have breast cancer. And then like going to dark spaces, like, oh, I'm going to die and my baby's not going to have a mom. Like, it's just like freaking out. So yeah, clogged ducts are so painful. I was so afraid of mastitis. I never got mastitis. Knock on wood, I was really scared. Cause yeah, it was just like every like week getting clogged milk ducts, like sometimes the size of a lime, like they were huge and they're so painful.

Oh, I can't even imagine that sounds so painful. What did you find that was helpful for clearing those? Like, did they clear on their own? Did you do cabbage leaves or what did you like?

Yeah, so really there's a few things. One, like people will say if there's a duck, like pump to get out, but pumping will just increase your supply. And it's like, it might help get out in the moment, but it just like exacerbates the problem. The baby is the most effective at getting the clogged duck out. So just like nursing as often as you can on that side. And then like, it's tricky because they'll tell you to massage it, but if you overwork it, it'll make it red and swollen, and then it'll make it worse. So it's like, you want to like gently massage it, but you don't, and I was like really working on. So I was making them like very swollen, and they were getting worse because I was like so scared. And I was like trying to manually get them out. And it was just like, I was just making worse because I was so anxious about it. So yeah, just nursing as often as possible. I would use coconut oil to like soften the skin before she nursed to like help it kind of relax. And then yeah, just like making sure you're not pumping on top of nursing so that you're not increasing your supply. So after probably, I would say probably like six weeks, it finally started to like my supply started to regulate. And so I wasn't having issues anymore. So that was a little, a little touch and go at the beginning. It's been fine since then. Thank goodness, because my daughter does not take a bottle. She's really good at nursing. So I really am grateful. It's really, and I love that like, she was the one to help me the most with the clogs, because it felt like a very symbiotic relationship. Like, and it was always when I would have really bad clog ducts that she was having a growth spurt. So she was needing to nurse more anyway. And it just like worked out really beautifully. And so that was another moment of just like surrendering and trusting in her rather than like freaking out and being anxious and trying to solve it myself. Just like letting it be and like letting there be like kind of surrendering and appease and not being so anxious about it. It just like worked itself out. And I think that's true with most things. Like babies are changing so much and your body is changing so much. Most part on that, if you can just like let go of worry and anxiety, which is easier said than done, but just like let it roll. It really does kind of work itself out most things. So yeah, that was really special.

That's so special. And again, just like how connected you two are, right? Like even from the moment that you knew about her till, you know, this day, like just such a like shared spirit, right? Like such a shared, like non-verbal, just like pure through the heart communication. That's just so tender. I love that.

Yeah. Yeah. She's incredible. Yeah. And like we said, so that the postpartum stuff, like that was really hard with the midwife, because I was kind of, the nice thing about having a home birth midwife is they typically like stick around much longer than you would have care. Like in the hospital, it's like you go home and then you have a six week checkup. Where with a home birth midwife, like they're there really consistently. So I was really counting on that care because my family's not here. And my baby was born two weeks early, and my mom had already booked her flight for a week after her due date. And so like we didn't have family for a month. And like, so we really had like no help. Those first six weeks were like, again, it was similar to that experience that I shared in the hospital that was like so sacred, but so devastating. It was like six weeks of that, of like every day me and my husband were just like, we are changing for the better. Like this is so, such a beautiful transformation. But the reason the transformation is so powerful is because it's so freaking hard. And it's like hard to even say what is hard. It's just like, you're, I don't know, you're just, it's crazy. It's just like the biggest change in the whole world. And there's so many unknowns. And it's just hard to know.

It makes me think there's like, I don't even know if this is like quoting somebody, but I've heard it talk about like, well, caterpillars transition to butterflies. But in the middle, there is some point where it's just mush in a cocoon. And like, it doesn't know what it is. It doesn't know if it's the caterpillar still or if it's the butterfly. It's just mush, you know? Yes.

Oh, that's so relatable. It is very mushy. It is very mushy. I remember, and I had a, so I had like a week checkup at the hospital because of the C-section, like where they have to like check the scar and make sure everything's healing okay. And I remember going in to see my OB, which like leaving the house for your first pediatrician appointment or for that first checkup, it's just like, like people ask you what time you want to do the appointment. I'm like, doesn't matter. It doesn't like 9 in the morning and 4 p.m. are the same thing. Like I doesn't matter. And just like leaving the house like so disheveled and your brain is everywhere. And I remember I was like, not well, like that's immensely and emotionally not well. And I remember my OB being like, are you getting sleep? I was like, no, no, I'm not getting sleep. What are you talking about? He's like, well, it's really important for your mental health that you're getting a four-hour stretch. I'm like, well, that's going to have to wait. I don't know what's like that's Sherlock.

Yeah, like deduced that on my own. Like, sheesh.

Oh, my gosh. I was like, well, sure, I can. I believe that. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do about it.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the postpartum, too, of just like, it is just, it just seems to be like riding on a tiger's back. You're just like, hold on, and it's going to be over. But even to have just grace for it, of just like, yeah, this is just how this is right now. Like you were saying, don't try to fix it too soon. Don't try to like overthink it. Just try to go with it as much as possible. I mean, man, what a like crash course of life and of parenting and all this stuff, I could imagine, right? Of like, well, this is kind of how it's gonna be.

It's another moment of that surrender and like inviting in God. I remember just like being like, okay, well, I'm not getting enough sleep, and I know I need sleep, and I'm trying to get sleep. Like, I'm trying to figure out these things, but it's one of those things where I really just had to be like, okay, this is what I'm doing for myself, and this is what I'm doing for my baby. And just like asking God, can you make up the difference? Like, can you help me? And even that, like it shifts. And I think parenting is one big ride of as soon as you figure something out, everything changes. Like, that's just really what it is. And like I remember in the early weeks, nursing her was like my time to really connect and to kind of like sink into my body and like meditate. Like, you know, I went from, I went from being like just my own self, my own person, I could, you know, take an hour a day to really, and for me that really was an essential part of my routine is like because I am so empathic and so sensitive, like taking daily time to really sit with my emotions, to move my body, to like do my process, to really like sink into my soul. Like I had a major routine for that. And realizing that that's still something I need, but like it looks so different. And just like being like, I can do that for maybe five minutes while I'm nursing my baby, which is different because again, that takes a lot out of you. But like, that's what I'm able to do. And I just like need help making that enough and like surrendering to that and trusting that God can sustain me because I really like, there's just so much that I can't do like literally physically and mentally. Like, again, it's just so, so humbling. And you really do have to kind of be intentional. Like even though there's like chaos, even today, I like had a reminder during my meditation of like, you have to find stillness in the chaos, not like wait for the chaos to end so that you can be still. It's like, no, you have to find stillness during this always changing craziness that is raising a baby who's hitting milestones and changing every single day. It's so fast and so moving. And yeah, it's just surrender. It's just like the theme over and over and over again. And new things come up every day. 

I remember that in the first week postpartum, it was like, oh, I'm not sleeping at all, but I don't even care. I never have to sleep again because this is like the most magical little baby. I could just stare at her and feel sustained. But then you haven't been sleeping for a week, and it's like, okay, maybe not. Then the baby starts to get a lot cuter after you've had a four-hour sleep. It's like, you're cute, but wow, I'm not well. So you can be sustained, and then it's not working, and you have to figure out something else to make sure that you're being filled. And I really believe that as hard as it is as moms, we are just naturally giving all the time. Like, literally, my baby depends on my body still for care. And I feel like a huge part of my postpartum journey has been very intentional of needing to be very intentional about how I can make sure I'm receiving and filling my cup and being in a place where I can give from a space of purity and love rather than frustration and resentment. Because that can happen really quick. And I think a lot of women feel guilt about that, but that's like, that's going to happen if you're not pouring into yourself. And so you have to be really, really intentional and it's always going to be shifting.

Yeah. Wow. Do you want a podcast? Because I will just literally like, I'm literally like just so, I like want to talk to you every week of my life about this. Like, wow, truly, like not trying to be any sort of way, like truly just, I've just loved our conversation today. And I am like so excited to share this with women and like non-moms and everybody alike, because it's just such a grounded and real, but like uplifting, empowering perspective. And I know that that has not come easily. Like that's something that you've worked so, so hard for. And so truly, just thank you for like sharing your work with us.

Well, and it's ongoing work too. Like it is not, you know, a done deal by any means. And it is, I mean, so much is changing postpartum. I even think like physical recovery, that's, it's just so easy to, you know, to talk from, like you said, like coming from a healed place, but also knowing that like I'm always amidst healing. And yeah, it's never done.

Yeah.

So thank you for recognizing like that grounded energy. And yeah, it's just, it's something I'm always, always, always working on.

Yeah. Well, it's like motivating me. I'm like, okay, well, I have not meditated in several months. And so I need to start, I don't know, just like riding the waves of life a little bit more intentionally, even if it's not well, just like recognize even like, I'm on a wave and we're riding it right now. And so like, I think that's so great. But I just, I always love to ask the question at the end. And I feel like I already answered this question like three times over. So if you just want to like say, you know, see previous answer. But I always love to ask if you could go back and talk to your mom or your pre-mom self at any point, what would you tell her?

To My Pre-Mom Self…

Yeah. Gosh, that question just makes me cry. Because I was, I was actually thinking about this question when you asked it in your previous podcast. And truly, I just don't know if there's words. Like, I think about just even in these last six months, like, I'm not the same. And I truly feel like as hard as being a mom has been, I really believe that like our souls, our souls are eternal and our souls are whole. And we're just learning our souls, right? Like, we're learning who we are, who we've always been, just like I felt my daughter's spirit before she even came to Earth. Like, we're learning who we've always been as we walk through Earth. And I feel like becoming a mom has, like, uncovered a piece of my soul that is just like, oh, this is me. And I don't know, I just feel like if I were to go to my pre-pregnancy self, I don't even know if I would say anything. I think I would just hold her hands and be like, yeah, this is going to be really hard and really beautiful, and it's going to be okay. And maybe I would just tell her, like, surrendering is not always going to look the way you think it's going to look. And to trust, I think a lesson that I'm always having to relearn is trusting in myself. And I think I would tell her that, like, trusting in yourself doesn't mean you have to trust by yourself. Like, trusting in yourself also means you get to rely on God, you get to rely on the people in your circle. And there's many, there's more than you even realize in your circle, who are advocating for you that want what's best for you. So you don't have to do it alone. Trusting in yourself doesn't mean you have to do it alone.

Oh, I'm like, thank you so much. That is, wow, just truly like such tender reflections throughout. And I like, I just, I'm so grateful for like the, just the beauty that has just radiated every minute of this, of this conversation. And it just, honestly, like, it makes me feel so divinely feminine, like talking through this with you. It's like, and it's divine because it's not straightforward. And it's like, oh, divine because like.

Oh my gosh, amen.

It's like, just vast, right? Like all of the things. And you have just put to words so many of like these deep feelings that I feel like we get glimpses of, but then like life happens, we don't have time to like sit with them and like watch them or like learn from them as much as we could. And so it truly has been a privilege to like sit here and talk with you about these like very tender things that obviously like you have spent time with on your own already and can like share them as friends and not just like these ideas, but like, no, these are like the friends that I've like been walking with for the last year, 18 months or however long, you know. So truly thank you so much for sharing all of that with us today.

Thank you. It was a privilege to share it. And that is just so perfect. Like the Divine Feminine is so flowy. Like we talk about like, oh yeah, we need that grounded energy, but the Divine Feminine is just so like, and yeah, we just have to embrace that. It's hard sometimes, but it is our nature.

Yes. Yes. Well, thank you so much, Mariah, truly.

Thank you, Emily. This was so special.

All right, y'all. Wasn't that just amazing? I seriously have not been able to stop thinking about our conversation since we recorded it a couple of weeks ago. I particularly love her thoughts about like, including your baby in your birth plan and kind of being open to like, them having a say and a choice in how they come into this world too. I think it's just super like enlightening and wonderful and truly just like add such a new perspective that I had never heard before. And so it meant so much to be able to talk to her today. I'll also say like, in the past, I've seen the word surrender as like people's word of the year, or there's some like art accounts that I follow that have done some really beautiful like paintings, kind of interpreting what surrender means to them. But me being the absolute control freak that I am, I have never loved the word surrender. I feel very like hesitant or like resistant towards it. But Mariah like totally helped me redefine the word surrender through her story. I had always seen surrender as like giving up or just like forfeiting what you want. But Mariah's experience really helped me see that surrender is not that. It's more like facing whatever is coming at you and welcoming it as well as you can and just accepting like, okay, this is my experience. I don't know why it's my experience. I wish in a lot of ways it wasn't mine, but I'm going to trust that this is mine to own. And so like, how can I open myself up to more curiosity, more vulnerability and more like, power than you might otherwise feel? So truly like, such an incredible, beautiful episode today. 

Speaking of beautiful, I am so grateful for all of you beautiful people who are listening week to week. Do you see that little fancy transition I just did there? But I just have to say, I just, I love seeing all the heartfelt discussion going on in the comments on Spotify and Apple, over on the Instagram, texts that I'm receiving. It seriously makes me so grateful to be a girl. And it taps into that divine, feminine energy that we were talking about during the episode. And it just is what I hoped and dreamed this podcast would be. So thank you for being a part of that dream. I cannot wait for all of the amazingness to come. I also just wanted to remind you to subscribe at the YouTube and at the Instagram. And I mentioned in an Instagram story last night, in fact, tonight, you'll see, I'm wearing the same shirt, so I filmed it tonight as well. I mentioned in a story that I have some like big things coming for the podcast that I've been working on. And so those will be rolling out in the next couple of weeks. And I'm just excited to add some more dimension to what we're doing over here. So make sure you're subscribed because you will not want to miss a single moment of what is coming. So I am so grateful for you. Thank you for being here. And as always, all right, friend, same time next week?

K, love you, bye!