PPD + Down Syndrome | Hannah’s Birth Stories

Meet Hannah

And then all of a sudden, seven nurses burst in the room, and I was like, what is going on? And they were like, hey, mama, everything's fine, don't worry. And I was like, that's the biggest thing that's gonna make me worry!

Hey y'all, welcome to The Labor Line, a mom-to-be's authentic look into the birth experiences of her mom friends. I'm your host, Emily, and today I am joined by my friend, Hannah. Hannah's episode was recorded before I announced my pregnancy, so there's no pregnancy updates or like discussion about that in the actual episode.

So real quick, just two little things I wanted to share with y'all. First, y'all, I think this Olive Garden angel hair pasta craving is here to stay. Nate and I celebrated our fourth anniversary this past week, which was so fun. And we really didn't want to go anywhere super fancy for dinner because I've been eating like half of every meal put in front of me, and then I take the leftovers home. And, you know, if you're going to go all out for a fancy dinner, like, you gotta eat it with the person, you know? Like, it's just different. Like, there's some foods that you want to take home with you, and there's other foods you just don't, so it's fine. But we end up, like, having a really fun weekend together. We went to the movies, we did a little shopping, and so we'd actually picked another restaurant while we were out. And once we got there, we realized an Olive Garden was right next door. And Nate is so sweet and he knows me so well. And we pulled up, he's like, okay, I know you're trying to be excited about this other restaurant, but I know that you're more excited about this Olive Garden right next door, aren't you? I was like, well, it's fine. Like, it's fine. We went there recently. He's like, okay, but would you rather have it? I'm like, I mean, kind of. But and then I couldn't even finish the sentence before he pulled into the Olive Garden parking lot instead. And so next thing I knew, we were back in Olive Garden, and I ordered the exact same thing that I had the other day. The customize your own pasta thing. I had angel hair, the five cheese marinara with these big old honking meatballs, with the salad and the breadsticks. And oh my gosh, it was so perfect. It was so good. I just freaking love angel hair pasta right now. It's just so like slurpable, and I feel like I can eat a lot of it. So yeah, I think this little girl is gonna be made out of spaghetti and meatballs. And I think that's a beautiful thing. We're gonna have this little Italiana goddess in our midst, and I can't wait. So that is a fun update.

The other thing is just that I have started to deal with some sacrum pain. And it honestly kind of sucks. I, as a tall girl, like really struggled with back problems, like in middle school and high school. And then it hasn't really been a problem for like almost 10 years. But I'm starting to get like these really bad pains that feel almost like I'm gonna have a back spasm, and they just go away. And I'm like, cool, thanks, back, for freaking me out. And so I talked to my midwife at our last appointment. I was like, I'm starting to have this. Is there, you know, something I can do? Are there, you know, tips and tricks? And, you know, she explained to me that even this early in pregnancy, my body is like starting to kind of move and shift a little bit. And pregnancy actually like helps you have better posture, which I thought was really interesting because of like the counterweight or whatever. And so my body is just adjusting. And she referred me to a couple chiropractors, which I'm excited to work with. I've noticed like the shoes I wear really make a difference. So I've been wearing shoes with more arch support. I've been rocking like my full blown trainers, not like my cute tennis shoes, like my get stuff done tennis shoes a lot more often. So yeah, if you see me walking around with big old tennis shoes with a cute outfit on, just know it's because my back is starting to protest against my body. So yeah, that's my little update. I'm gonna be doing more of those on Instagram now that it's all out in the open, now that we've got a dialogue happening over there too. So that is enough about me.

Let me introduce you to my amazing friend, Hannah. Hannah and I met through church, which I swear I have friends outside of church. I just happened to be interviewing a lot of church friends for this podcast. But we met through church when I moved back to Texas. At that time, she was pregnant with her third baby, and then we got to know each other just a teeny bit before they moved to San Diego because her husband is in the military. And something I admired about Hannah right off the bat was how she spoke so openly about the reality of having three young kids, and especially her experience as they're adjusting to her husband's new military career, which means she's solo parenting for like weeks, sometimes months at a time. I remember one day in particular, right after we became Facebook friends, her baby was about two months old, and she had her two other kids at home still, and her husband was away at military training. And she just posted honestly, like, hey, does anyone want to come over and hold my cute newborn and help me entertain my kids? I really need a few hours of sleep. I could really use some help. And her comments were full of her village, saying, “yes, I can come, I just sent you a DM”, or “I'm working today, but I'm off on Wednesdays, can I come on Wednesday? I'd love to help”. Or even just people who didn't live close, saying like, “hey, if you can get at least three and a half hours of sleep, your body will go into REM, and you'll feel like a new woman, I promise”. And it was just so beautiful. Truly such a great example to me of asking for help. I am sure I'm not alone, where I often, I don't want to ask for help because I don't want to bother people, or I don't want to ask for help because I don't want someone to think less of me. But literally seeing her posts, I was reminded, wait, no, asking for help? Like, I admire people who can ask for help well, and people who truly trust their friends and their circle well enough to ask for the help they need. It's such a strength that someone can have. And so I admire her for that. I think she is so amazing. So I'm so excited for y'all to hear her stories today.

Hannah, like I mentioned, has three children, and her story holds such vast experiences. Like, for example, her first birth, she mistakenly thought an epidural wore out after an hour or so. And so she labored for over a day until someone was like, hey girl, no, that's not how it works. And she finally got some relief. So compare that to then her third birth experience where she had to deliver her baby without her husband because he didn't receive permission to leave his military base. That was literally just an hour away. So yeah, sneak peek into her amazing, crazy story. It is absolutely astounding. It includes preeclampsia, 38 hours of labor. I need to make a club for all these moms who keep having these 30 plus hour labors. My goodness. But yes, she had that. She had back to back experiences with severe postpartum depression. And lastly, she shares about welcoming their son with Down syndrome and all of the joy that he has brought into their home. Sadly, Hannah also experienced two miscarriages as well. And since we'll be discussing those experiences, as well as some brief mentions of suicidal ideation that came with her postpartum depression, I have timestamps in the episode description for those that would like to know. And as always, there are chapter markers, so you know when we discuss certain topics. I am truly so grateful for how Hannah shares her experiences today. It's so full of hope and courage and faith and humor all throughout. So without any further introduction, let's get to her story. Welcome to the podcast, Hannah. Thank you so much for being here. Tell us a bit about yourself and what you and your family have been up to.

Hannah with Finley

Hi, I'm Hannah. Thank you for having me. I'm very excited. My husband is in the Navy. We just joined, though. We're babies in the Navy. So he got down with his schooling in April. We're out here in San Diego now living life. We have three little kids. Our oldest is William. He's six. And he is a firecracker. He's all over the place, and he's just the cutest thing. And then Jensen is almost four. And again, big personality. Says we only girl, and she's just larger than life. And then our little baby, Finley, he is nine months. He has Down syndrome, and he is the sweetest baby I've ever met in my life. So happy, just joyful, and the perfect way to end our little family. He's just perfect.

I love it. I love it so much. And I love that you gave us a little sneak peek into your cute kids. I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast before, but through church, I work with the Children's Organization, and so I was able to get to know Hannah's sweet, sweet, cute, oldest kids. And they, like you said, like, perfect description, of course, because you're their mom. But yes, they are the cutest. Like, sometimes I feel like it takes a couple years for kids to, like, really find their voice, but they are just such fun kiddos, like, such fun personalities. And so it's so fun to, like, stay in touch and, like, see all their cute adventures and everything and livin it up on the beaches and adjusting together.

Oh, yes. And I can say they do you miss Texas sometimes. They're like, when are we going back? And I'm like, it's gonna be a long time, but we're enjoying it here.

Yeah, so good, so good. It's a good time to leave right before the summer, too, like y'all did, because, you know, then you won't be missing Texas so much.

Oh, gosh, it's spring here in Texas.

Yes, exactly, exactly. Well, I am just so excited to hear about your experiences. If you're ready to go, I'd love to jump in and hear about your first experience.

1st Child: Pre-eclampsia, NICU, Colic, & Unrecognized PPD

Perfect. So, my sweet Liam, so this started right after my husband and I got married. We started feeling really strongly that we weren't meant to wait to have children, which is something that neither of us had ever expected. We both had talks like we were engaged, and that we wanted to wait a couple of years, but once we got married, it was like the strongest impression. And so we would pray about it separately, and we both felt very strongly that there was a little boy that was waiting to come to our family. And so we were telling, oh, okay, what do we do? So, you know, we went for it, and a couple of months later, we were pregnant with Liam, and he has been a little cutie from the start. He just, he was active and he was growing really well. When I was 34 weeks pregnant, I went in for a routine doctor's appointment. They did all the normal tests, you know, and I was diagnosed right away with preeclampsia. My blood pressure was through the roof. I was, you know, seeing the stars. I thought I was just dehydrated. It was in the middle of summer, so I was like, I'm probably just dehydrated. But they were like, no, you've got preeclampsia, so they gave me a shot and told me to come back in a couple of days and to go to the hospital if I had any issues. Fun fact, at this time, it was my grandfather's memorial, and so I had a whole bunch of family in town. Like all of my extended family was in town. And I was actually in Park City, Utah. This is where we were living at the time. And at one of my grandpa's memorials, and I just started having really bad chest pains and I was not feeling good. And so we, my husband and I, we left early, the whole family stayed, everyone was like, we will pray for you. And in the middle of the night, I started having what I thought was a heart attack. Like I felt so bad. I could hardly move, I could hardly breathe. 34 weeks is considered premature. So we went to the hospital, had the higher NICU. And sure enough, I wasn't having heart attack thankfully, but I was definitely reacting really badly. And to the, you know, the clandestine was really affecting me. And they were worried about me starting to seize. So they quickly, you know, hooked me up to everything, they got me stable. And they were able to get me stable enough to where they said they didn't need to do an FSC section, which was a huge relief. And I labored for 38 hours.

Oh my gosh.

It was a terrible experience. I didn't really understand how all this kind of stuff worked. I should have, but I didn't. I didn't know like epidurals. Like I remember they were trying to get my body to dilate, and it just was taking forever. So they took one of those little bully balloon things. And I don't know if anyone knows that it is, but it's really not fun. And it's this little catheter that they shove up inside you. They inflate it, and it puts pressure on your cervix to dilate you, like forcefully. I didn't know that epidurals, once it was in, it was in, you were good, you were covered until you gave birth. I thought it was like only a little bit of medicine, and once it ran out, it ran out. So I wanted to make sure I had medicine until I pushed. And so I was like crying, and I was like, my mom, she was there with me, and she left my grandpa some while. She was just like, get the epidural. I'm like, no, I don't want the medicine to run out. She was like, Patty, that's not how it works. Within 10 minutes, I was hooked up to an epidural. And 38 hours later, she was born. He was whisked right away to the hospital or to the NICU. And I didn't get to see him for the next 48 hours. And this kind of started a really downward slide with my mental health, and I developed horrible, horrible, horrible postpartum depression. It was my first kid. I didn't know how to advocate for myself. I didn't know the questions to ask. My son was in the NICU. I didn't really understand why, because he was a really big kid. I mean, you see Leah, like, he's a big kid anyway, but at 34 weeks, he was still 6.5 pounds. So I didn't understand. People were taking the time to really explain things to me, and I just felt a lot of pressure from doctors, nurses, a little bit from family, just to be strong, to do all the good things. And it was way too much for me. It was way overwhelming, and it did a tank to my mental health. I remember when we were driving home from the hospital when Liam was finally released from the NICU after about a month. It was late at night. And the thing about Liam too is he never stopped crying.

From the time he was born until he was nine months old, he did not stop crying. And if I get emotional, just bear with me, because I cry every time I talk about my babies, but especially when I talk about like this was part of the period. It was so, so hard. It was so dark. And I remember like holding him in the middle of the night, feeding him. But I was like, the realization that I was his mom, he was mine hit me and I was filled with dread. And I feel so guilty sharing this. But I mean, it's the reality of how I felt. And I just started sobbing because I was like, I feel like this babysitter that's got this terrible child and I can't get any rest. He's never going back to his parents. These were the things going through my mind. And I realized now that they were irrational and it was postpartum depression. I had never had mental health issues before, so I did not know what was happening. And for months, I just kind of suffered with it. I just did everything like I could to keep the kid alive. I didn't really have a strong bond with him. And that really scared me when I thought about having more children. I was like, if I can't even handle one, there's no way I'm going to try and handle more. And so, just kind of kept going. And after about a year and a half, two years, that was about the time that, you know, hormones kind of level out, I started feeling a little bit better. I felt a little bit more like I understood what was going on, and started to develop a strong bond with him.

1st Miscarriage

And that's when another what I would call prompting, you know, feeling from what I consider a feeling from God, I started having a feeling that there was another baby that was ready to come to our family. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. It's like, I was like, I couldn't even handle the first one you told me about. Like, there's no way. And I just, I couldn't get this feeling out. And my husband, he couldn't get this feeling out. So we did a lot of praying and a lot of talking. And again, we didn't really know that what I had was postpartum depression. We just thought that that was like the first time parenthood experience, you know what I mean? It's just really hard. And so we're like, well, now we know what we're doing. So it'll be totally fine, right? It'll be great. And we tried and tried and tried to get pregnant, and it just wasn't happening. It wasn't happening. And it took several months. And, you know, went to my doctor and told my doctor it was happening. So he put me on some medicine that helped me ovulate. And I got pregnant and I was ecstatic. I was so excited. I remember just like I told everyone right away. I was probably like three weeks and four days. And I told everyone right away. And I, you know, we started talking names. And I was just like beyond, beyond happy. And again, I was like, mom told me to have this baby. Like, all right, I just cannot. Like, I know it's going to be all good. Like, we know what we're doing now. And at seven weeks, I started feeling cramping. And I was like, oh, what is that? Because it felt exactly like my period cramps normally do. And I was like, I was just, I just, you know, started telling myself, like, it's the round ligament pain. It's nothing. And the pain kept getting worse and worse. And over the next day, I started to bleed. And I was like, no, no, no, this is not happening. I was like, God told me to have his baby. This is not what I think it is. And so I went to the doctor, and sure enough, I had miscarried and was passing the baby. And that was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was one of the saddest, the darkest, one of the most fate-trimed times I'd ever had in my life, because I felt like I didn't even want to have any more kids. And I had been told to have another one. And then I finally was like, I could do this, and I felt so good about it, and ended up wanting it so bad, and just for it to pass away. And I was just like, I was crushed. I don't know if it was like, I won't consider it post-partum depression, but it definitely set me into another depression. And I had a really hard time coming out of it.

2nd Child: Easy Pregnancy, Positive Birth, & Recognized PPD

So, surprised, two months later, I had another pregnancy. It was positive. And I could not get happy. I could not get excited. I was just like, I was super cautious and super guarded. I was like, I'm not telling anybody anything. Like, I'm gonna pretend I'm not even pregnant, because I cannot risk opening my heart up as much as I had just to have this like ripped from me. And I remember most of that pregnancy, I mean, it was a really pretty easy pregnancy. And I was really happy when I found out I was having a girl. Like, I had always wanted a girl. But I had a really hard time most of that pregnancy because I always like was stressed out that something was going to happen. And it wasn't until I was in the hostel room and they were laying her on my chest after the easiest labor ever. I went in for an induction at 5 a.m. and have her by 2 p.m. And it was like the most beautiful, easy labor delivery ever. There's nothing to tell because it was so easy. Like, as soon as they like laid her on my chest, I just started to sob. And I was just like, I felt like I could finally breathe. And I had my little baby girl. I just, I was so excited. I felt peace. I felt, you know, the comfort that this was the baby that was meant to be in our family at this time. And, you know, fun story about her. My husband and I, we have very different name tastes. I like kind of grandma, like old-fashioned names. And my husband does not. And so we didn't know what we were going to name her, like our whole pregnancy. And so we were sitting there, we were holding her, like, in the delivery room, and was like, what are we going to name her? Because we do not like the other's names. And I just told my husband, well, we like the name Jensen for a boy, like it works for a girl too. Let's just go for it. And he's like, all right. So that's how she got her name. We had nothing else to do.

That's perfect though.

Oh yeah. And it fits her. I'm like, there's something about her little personality that just like Jensen is so right. But she is so funny. I'm so glad I have her. So as I was like, I looked at her and I'm just like, it's crazy to think that I could have had a different child. And as much as that child would have been so special, I wouldn't have had Jensen. So I'm glad that things have worked out in the way that they did.

So I'm so glad it was such an easy birth after 36, 38? What was it?

38. 38. It was terrible.

38 hours of labor. Mercy. Oh my gosh, you're amazing. Yes, that's amazing. So I'm so grateful that rather than all that time that you could have a nice labor. So did you end up utilizing the epidural that time?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. And you knew this time, like, I can get this whenever I want. And that's probably why it was better.

I was like, I got in the hospital, and it's kind of funny, because when I got to the hospital, obviously we had a baby at home. And because how long it took for my son, we were like, oh, it's just going to take one time. So my husband, he got me settled in, and I was just like, I'm going to take a nap. He's like, okay, I'm going to go home. We have settled in with grandpa, because my dad watched him. And he's like, and then I'll come back. I'm going to go get a haircut before I tell him, and then I'll come back. And I was like, okay. So they started it, but they started me on pitocin right away, and I went from 0 to 100 so fast. I was like, it was like zero pain, so I was calling him, and I was like, I need you here, because I cannot get the epidural without you. And he almost didn't make it because I can't go to the appointment. I was like, this is too much. I was like, I have to get the epidural, but you came in right at time, so that was good.

Totally, totally. No. And I've heard from a couple other moms, like experienced moms, that the first time your body is just trying to figure out what the heck is going on, and not even just your body, but like your mind and everything. And so for your body to be like, oh, okay. Yeah, like I recognize what's happening here. I've been here before.

Yeah. And I'm so glad. I'm so glad that it could be such a sweet moment. And it makes sense, honestly, it totally makes sense that there would be like this, this feeling the whole time of like, well, but what if, but what if? You know, and I can just imagine how difficult that would be. And so for her to come and not be a super long labor, so that you could just have that moment together is so tender and so sweet.

It was very healing to my heart that was grieving a baby that I never even really got to see, but like that moment made it all come full circle. And it was like, he's so perfect. And I just, I, every time I look at the pictures from that day, I'm like, reminded of just how beautiful that experience was. She's my old best friend, she's my little twin. I'm like, we look a lot alike. And she's just, she's so fun. I love her, she's got the strongest personality. She's so great.

That's so sweet. Well, so was she able to come home with you right away then, or did she need to stay for the NICU or anything like Liam did?

No, thankfully, like she, she was my, like really, honestly, like, I don't like the dream. I think labor, delivery, and then coming home, like she came home super easy. She was a pretty easy baby. Like, again, compared to Liam, who I feel like cried all the time. She was just really calm and, and just very, she brought a lot of peace to the home. Like I felt that she was right. And so a couple, you know, couple of weeks, then like six weeks passed, then two months passed, and I was like, oh, this is great. This is going so well. And then guess what? Postpartum depression hit me again. Like a ton of bricks. And I had, I was like, at this time, I was mad. I was like, what? I had nothing going on. That's like, there's nothing going on. Like, why am I going through this? I've been through this before. And the dark thoughts came back. Like, we'll just go there. The only thing that's keeping me near was the fact that I was the primary caregiver for these two beautiful ladies, and I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to them because something happened to me. And once I started thinking those kinds of things, I was like, I think I need to talk to my doctor. And I was kind of surprised that, you know, doctors at other appointments or, like, pediatrician appointments that nobody had, like, asked me, because I feel like that should be common. Like, I feel like, if it's not, it should be, asking a mom how she is postpartum, even for up to, like, a year. But I called my doctor and I was like, hey, I'm feeling this way and I don't think it's normal. So he called me in. And I'm really glad that I didn't have to go to a hospital or anything. But he just was like, let's start with these medicines. Let's get you to therapy and let's see how it goes. And honestly, that was a huge, a huge thing. Like, the medicine, once it started to work after a few weeks, I completely felt, like, normal again. I had a really positive experience taking medication. I know other people don't have as good of experiences or, like, want to try other remedies, but for me, like, that was 1000% what I needed. And it's really helped.

2nd Miscarriage

And I thought I was done. I had my boy and my girl. I didn't know, like, I, with my mental health, I was scared to have more kids because I don't, you know, it seems to be getting worse every time I had a child or just, like, you can't function when you're in that state. And so we had made a couple of news that I felt comfortable, that kids are expensive, and all of these things. And so fast forward to December 2023, I start having very specific dreams about a little baby girl. And she was always in the same dream. Like, every night, I started to have this dream. And when I would wake up, I was like, oh girl, you're just baby hungry, but you don't need a baby. But I don't know what it was, but it just felt different. And so I kind of started thinking about it more. But I didn't want to tell my husband, because bless my husband, he really was a state, especially throughout my postpartum mental health struggles. He really had to take on a lot more weight, because not only did he have to help me with the children, you know, provide for the household, but he also had to take care of me and help me. And I felt a lot of guilt for that. But I started having these thoughts, and I was like, no. I was like, I feel like this is like prompting me that there's another baby coming. But I sat on it for a couple of weeks. And every night, I would have these dreams, and they were always evolving. And then one night, I was told her name. And I was like, okay. So finally, I was like, fine, I'll tell my husband. And I pulled the husband one night, and I was like, I'm having these dreams about this little baby. And he goes, a baby girl? And I was like, stop. And he was like, I've been having very similar experiences.

Oh my gosh.

But I haven't wanted to tell you, is like, because I know how you feel, and because of like, you know, how hard it is on you, like, and that's hard on me to see you that way. And so I was like, should we play about this? He's like, I think we should. So we prayed about it. And something I want to know is that I remember one of the, oh, one of the dreams, the night that we, like, the night that I talked to him about it, and then we started to pray about it. It was either like that night or the next night. Like it was pretty close within when we started kind of praying about it. I had this dream, and in the dream I was in labor, and it was like the most serenity filled thing. It was so peaceful, there was no pain, like the lights were dim, it just felt like, just calmness everywhere, and then the dream shifted, and I was holding this baby, and it was just calm and peacefulness everywhere, and we have a gently looking over my shoulder, smiling at the baby. I kind of took that as my answer. I was like, okay, but I remember once we got that answer, I prayed to God, and I said, listen, Lord, I will do this, but you cannot let me have postpartum depression again. I cannot do it. I was like, I know that I can't control that right now, but I was like, this is something I need you to meet me on, and I didn't really get an answer. It was just a go forward of faith kind of thing, and so I was like, all right, and I was also scared to have another miscarriage. That first one is really, really heartbreaking. So to my surprise, I got pregnant right away. I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks later, in the middle of February. And again, I was really excited. I told family, I didn't post it on social media, but I told family, and I was really excited and ready. And on Valentine's Day, I'm the security guard. And I remember going into the room, and God got to see an angry side of me at this day. Like, it was balanced me up all day. And I was so mad. I went into the room, and my husband, he was really supportive and kind, and he kind of kept the kids away, because he knew I was taking it really hard. And I just remember going into the room, getting it on my knees, and like, especially yelling at how we fall there, and being like, why would you do this? I can't, I just told him, I said, I don't have enough faith for this. I'm not having any more kids. That little girl, some other family can have her. I can't do this anymore.

3rd Child: Amniocentesis, Down Syndrome Diagnosis, Emergency C-Section, & Positive Postpartum

And TMI found out I was pregnant six weeks later after this miscarriage, which was a shock. TMI, we'd only been intimate once. And so it was truly one of those. My father knew I was dead serious. Like, we were looking at the set to me, like, clerics and just all of this stuff. I was like, I can't act with this again. And looking at pregnancy tests, I, like, couldn't get excited. I was just like, I'm going to put it away for a few days. I told my husband a couple of days later, but I was like, we're not telling anybody. And it was a stressful one because I didn't have any morning sickness. I didn't have, like, any symptoms, like, and so, and that's how it had been with my previous miscarriages, whereas with my first two, I had been fairly sick, like, in my first trimester and a little bit into the second. So with this one, not having any sickness, not having any, like, symptoms, I thought for sure I was going to miscarry. It was like, anytime I went to the doctors, I was really stressed out, and I was just, like, waiting. In fact, when I was eight weeks, we went in, you know, for, like, the dating, which is now where they see, like, how far along you are, whatever, went in, and she started looking, and I couldn't see the heartbeat right away. And, like, she felt my body tense, and she just held my hand, and she said, we're going to find it. And we found it, like, for two seconds. And I was really relieved, but I was also really stressed.

During this time is when my husband decided that he wanted to enlist in the Navy. And so a little lot of change is kind of all around. My husband had enlisted. He was in what's called the delayed entry program, so it's like he was, like, in, but he was waiting for a couple of months to be able to ship off to boot camp. And during this time, we went to my OB, and my OB was, you know, over the usual stuff, like the asking questions, and then it came up the topic of genetic testing. So my husband and I, because we had one boy and one girl, we didn't want to know the gender. We thought we wanted to wait until the baby was born. And so we weren't going to do like any genetic testing. Like when I did my 20 week old style, I was going to look the other way kind of thing. And he was going to be gone for most of the end of my pregnancy. So it was going to be easy for him, not easy for me. But we were like, okay, this is great. When we go in and the doctor brings up the topic of genetic testing, and he starts kind of going over what it is. And I already knew what it was, because I actually had worked for the two testing company that they were going through. So I knew the process, I knew what they test for, I knew all of that stuff. And at first, my husband and I were like, no, now we're fine, we're fine. We don't need to do any genetic testing. And as soon as I said that, I knew it was the wrong answer. And the rest of the appointment goes by before my doctor leaves. He goes, well, is there anything else we can do for you? And I said, yes, actually, can we do the genetic testing? And my husband's head snapped towards me. He was like, what? I was like, I don't know. I'm like, I'll talk to you about it in the car. And he's like, he was looking at me like, you just want to do the gender. I was like, shut up. That's not it. I was like, I promise that's not just people. I'm in the stations. He's like, you just don't want to wait. He's like, you're going to pee for him at boot camp and lie to me. And I was like, no, I was like, Cyle, I swear on everything I have. I was like, I have a feeling we need to do it. I don't know why. I was like, I just I feel like I strongly need to do it. I still had never considered that anything would come up positive. So I don't know why I thought of anything, like why I felt this, because I still was out of the realm. I started gaslighting myself, and I was like, maybe I really do just want to know the truth. And so I'm like, you know, I'm just using this as an excuse. But so having worked at this genetic company, I know how long these things take. They don't take very long. I know that they say, like, oh, you'll get your results in like 10 to 14 days. But really, you get them in more like three to five. Like at least that was the experience when I worked there. And so, like, I knew it doesn't take long. So every day, I was, like, refreshing, like, didn't get the results, didn't get the results. And it went through the first few stages really quick, but then it was stuck in the final stage, and it stayed there until the 14 days. And I knew, I was like, there's going to be something on there. This is not how it works. And so I started getting nervous, and I called the genetic testing company. I was like, hey, I haven't received my results yet. Can anyone look into it and tell me what's going on? She was like, sure, let me see. She's like, weird, I see that they were done. And then I hear a click, and she's like, I didn't have a genetic counselor call you. No, I was like, I know what that means. I got a call a little bit later that day, and the genetic counselor was like, hey, you're at high risk. You've got like a 73 out of 100 chance, or I can't remember the exact word, it was basically 73 percent chance of trisomy 21 with Down syndrome. She went through the whole, it's not diagnostic, this is just a chance, but it doesn't guarantee that your baby has it. I just remember the world started spinning. I was like, wait, what? It didn't seem like anything that would be bad. I had never ever felt that. When I was hearing this, it wasn't me being like, oh my gosh, I don't want a special needs trial. This just was like, wait, that's not what I ever saw on my life bingo cards. Like, I went to a park because I just like, I couldn't be home and my husband was at work. And I sat down and I was sobbing. And again, it wasn't out of staff. It's just about a pure like shock. And this mom comes over and she like gives me a tissue and she's like, are you okay? And I was like, yes, no, I don't know yet. And she's just like, it's okay. He kind of patted me on the back and then went on her way.

Oh, that's so sweet.

It was really overwhelming to find this out, especially when my husband was going to be leaving for the next like three months, at least, which at the end of everything, it ended up being more like nine months. But I called my husband, he was at work and I was like, hey, I just need to tell you this. So we talked a lot about like not what we would do because we always knew we were going to keep baby. That was never a question. But more, do we want to like find out for sure? Do you want to do the diagnostic testing? Because it's a little bit riskier than the blood test. Do we just want to wait till he's born and do testing when he's born? Should we delay his shipping off to the boot camp? All of these things, and ultimately, we felt like we still needed to proceed as with him leaving when he was leaving. And I was a little bit scared of the amniocentesis. I mean, having a needle through your belly does not sound like a pleasant time.

No.

So I was a little bit scared of it. And you know, you get people online too that talk about what's a risk. Like, oh, you're going to lose the baby, and having already had multiple miscarriages in the past, I'm just really terrified of that happening. And so I just remember praying and being like, is this the right choice? And what I felt was go into the doctors, tell them your concerns, and go from there. So I went into the appointment where they were going to be doing the amniocentesis that happened to also be the same day of the anatomy scan. And after talking to my doctor, basically what we decided on was, we'll look at the ultrasound, and if he has enough soft markers, so enough, you know, like, how they had like the thickened neck, or if like he's got like some sort of defects that are pretty common with Down syndrome, then I would just take that as, you know, he has it. I would do the genetic testing, and we would just proceed forward as if he had it. But if it was like we don't really see anything, or there's only like one or two things, then we would go ahead with the evidence he says. So they did the fetal stent, he looks beautiful and he was perfect. Like, oh, he is so cute.

Yes, he is so cute.

Oh, he's the happiest little baby. And they didn't find anything. There was nothing. He had the nasal bone. He didn't have the thickened neck. He, his belly was the right normal size. Like all of these, he didn't have any defects like defects that they could see. And so I knew that I needed to have a peace of mind, especially if my husband was being gone. I could not go the rest of my pregnancy without being positive that he either had it or didn't. It didn't affect how I felt. But like if I wanted to feel prepared and feel any sort of peace of mind, like I needed to know. And so we went ahead and did the amniocentesis. And my husband cooked either that day. So that was kind of my first experience. And spoiler alert, my husband wasn't at the birth of our baby, so I went this. Yes. And so it was like scary. But honestly, like I felt so much peace going into it that it was overdone in like two seconds. So I remember, you know, going through my pregnancy, my husband left for boot camp. And because of the Down syndrome, I was having in the beginning appointments every two weeks. So I was seeing a lot more than like a typical pregnancy. So he was growing fine. He was great. He was like in like the 70th percentile for babies. He looked so sweet, like just growing really well. His little nose profile, he loved to show off his nose. It was still one of my favorite parts of him. But come flash forward to 39 weeks, I was being monitored every like weekly at that point. Apart from like the regular weekly visits that you get, like when you're 36 weeks on, I was having one appointment with my regular doctor, and then I was having an appointment with like a maternal fetal medicine, and they would do like ultrasounds every single week on 10. They would do like stress tests and ultrasounds. They had done a gross scan of 36 weeks, but he was like looking about five, six pounds. Like he was looking really healthy, really strong, so sweet. And I went in just for a normal appointment on that Tuesday. I was gonna be getting induced the following Saturday. So this was gonna be like my last ever like ultrasound was hidden in me, and I was so excited, and I was excited for the weekend because I was gonna be getting induced, and my husband was gonna be getting a special pass to come home and be there for this. Go in, I lay down, and I've had the same ultrasound technician for most of my pride density. And we're chatting away, and she starts going, and all of a sudden she gets quiet. And I was looking at the screen, and I noticed he had have grown, and there was certain things that seemed kind of off. And I just looked at her, and I was like, he hasn't grown? And she was like, I'm never redoing my measurements. I've probably just missed something yet. And he had dropped from 75% down to the first. And in fact, he had lost weight, which that doesn't happen in the womb. I had like severe intrauterine growth restriction for him. My percent have failed. So it was funny, because the ultrasound techs, they can't tell you anything. And even though she and I had kind of like developed a rapport and a friendship, she still has to be professional. And she just was like, I'm going to go get the doctor really quick. And so I had Jensen with me, and Jensen's like asking questions about the baby, and I started being like, oh gosh, like what is going to happen? And she goes, gets the doctor, the doctor comes in and was like, hey. And as soon as she said it just like that, I was like, what's going on? She's like, we're not letting you leave. She was like, severe intrauterine growth restriction, your baby didn't grow at all, he lost weight. She was like, it's not your fault, but you're placenta. She's like, if I had known about this, she's like, we would have Medici at your last appointment, at 36 weeks. She's like, so she's like, she's like, we're lucky because everything looks good. She's like, but it can go south really quick.

So I was like, oh my gosh, I had my daughter here, like, what am I going to do? My son's in school right now, I was going to pick him up. I didn't even pack a hospital bag yet because this is my third baby, and I'm going to procrastinate everything till the last minute. And so I don't even think I had bought, I don't even think I'd purchased his car seat yet. I know, I should have learned. You can go to labor at any point, but my mom's a teacher, she lives where we were at this time. And so I call my dad first, and I'm like, you got to come get Jensen. Sorry if you're at work, but I'm having a baby today. And so he was my first call. My mom was my second call, because I knew that she at least would be able to be there. And she left school in a second. In fact, it was really sweet. It was one of those moments where I was like, trying to be strong when I talked to my dad. Like, I was very like, matter of fact, like, come get Jensen, I'm going to need you to get Leigh Ann. Like, here's these things. And the second that my mom picked up her phone, she just so happened to be on her lunch, I just started sobbing, and I was like, Mommy! I was like, I need you! And she was like, I'll be there. So, and she, yeah, she quickly got a sub for her classroom and was there within like 30 minutes. In the meantime, in the midst of all this, my husband was about an hour away at his A school, so it's like where they do like their job training after they graduate bootcamp. So I called him, I was like, is there any way that your Chanukah man will let you come home? Like, if we let them know like that, you know, I'm having this baby and stuff, because they were going to let you go home this weekend for the weekend, but obviously now that's not going to happen. And ultimately, they said no, which, welcome to military life. Like, this was my first, like, this was my first, like, experience in military wifehood. And once I delivered a baby alone, I was like, I got this. I can do anything. That was so...

I have to say, I remember hearing that just, you know, I was like getting to the point where I was like knowing things, the goings-ons at church. And I was like, I was raging on your behalf. I was so, I was like, are you kidding me? He's an hour away! And I don't even think... I feel like you and I got to know each other better after Finn was born. But I was like, I am going to riot in the streets on her behalf. But for you to be so, you know, stoic about it or whatever, of just like, yeah, I guess this is my life. This is my life now. I was so ready to go fight somebody.

I was like, girl, you should have seen me there in the room. I was crashing out. I was so mad at first. I was like, it was just, it was horrible. I mean, I laugh a little bit now because I'm like, I really am amazing. But I don't want to chew my own horn, but I was like, that was insane. And yeah, I still get mad about it. So I was like, it was funny because when my mom gets to the hospital, my dad had my daughter, and I'm sitting in a bed and everything's fine. And we were going to try and like, we were going to try because he was stable, they do finally stable. They were like, we're going to try and like the longest, like as long as we can, just in case your husband can come. And so they're like, you're only dilated to one, so we'll just start like some like the cervical ripening agents, kind of get it all nice and ready to like stretch. Then they're like, as we get closer, then we'll start the toast and whatever. So I was like, that sounds great. We've been there for about two hours. And I told my mom, I was like, mom, I was not prepared. I don't have a diaper bag. I don't have a car seat. I don't have any clothes. Like I am disgusting. I didn't shower today. The one appointment I didn't shower for. But I was like, this is my life. And so she's like, that's fine. I got to you. I'm going to go. And so she left. And I called my husband, we're chatting. And I just told him, I'm tired. I'm just going to kind of lay down for a nap. And I was like, just keep you updated on if anyone's going to let you come be here.

So I lay over on my side, and it's all peaceful and calm. And then all of a sudden, next thing I know, seven nurses burst in the room. And I was like, what is going on? And they were like, hey, mama, everything's fine, don't worry. And I was like, that's the biggest thing that's going to make me worry. Like, what is going on? And they were like, we're just going to have you get on your hands and knees real quick. I was like, what is going on? So like, I was feeling so confused. It was already I was already trying to process everything. So I was doing whatever they tell me to. And I was like, this is so awkward of like, I like everything's hanging out and I don't know what's going on. And they're just like, they're like, everything's fine. Baby just doesn't like that position. And I was like, well, what does that mean? And nobody wanted to really tell me. Like, they all just wanted to downplay it. And so the nurse came in. In fact, her name was Hannah. And she and I really vied. She and I really got along well. And she came in and was kind of looking. And I just said, I really need you to be straight with me. I was like, don't sugarcoat. I was like, tell me exactly what is going on. I deserve it. And she said, okay. She said, your child is not doing well. We haven't even started to put toast in. We've only done the cervical ripening. You haven't even had any big contractions. You've had tiny, miny baby ones that happen with the cervical ripening. She said, you probably haven't even felt them, and his heart is dropping. She was like, he is not going to tolerate those big contractions. And I was like, does that mean c-section? And she was like, that means c-section. I was like, okay, so do we need to do that right now? I was like, do I have time to call my mom? She just left 10 minutes ago. And so they're like, yeah, they're like, we're going to start pep and you can get you over now, but call your mom and tell her to hurry back. So I called my mom and I was like, girl, whatever you've got in your hands, drop it and get here quick. She was in the middle of Target, and she like left the cart like there in the middle of, I don't know, she was there like in the middle of the aisle and raced and I got really lucky because she got there in time. And I just was praying this whole time, like I was so nervous. And I just want to say the nurses that I delivered with them were the, they were sent from God. Like they were sent from God. They were so amazing. They were so calm and so peaceful. And I remember I was like, I was in shock. I didn't know what to think or do. So I just was kind of like saying, yes, ma'am, everything.

And one of the nurses came by as they were starting to get prepared one of them came over by my head. And she just like sat down and she just said a little prayer on my behalf that I would feel peace and feel the comfort of Jesus and all of that. And I remember this prayer was mostly because she said like, Lord, give her signs that you were with her. And this is really beautiful because my husband and I, we've been talking about, he was going to get to come home that Friday and I was going to be doing Saturday. So we were talking like, what do we want to do Friday night? As the last day as a little family is four. And my husband's like, oh, you know what I'd love to do is recreate our first date and watch The Greatest Showman. So The Greatest Showman was our first date. And I was like, that'd be so cute, all romantic and stuff, right? And well, obviously, that didn't get to happen. But when we got into the operating room, they were getting me set up, they were placing the epidural. I was really scared, and I was like, I just really want my husband right now. And the nurse was like, I was doing some showtudes. So she put on the music, and the first song that played was Rewrite the Stars from The Greatest Showman. And I literally, I can't even tell that. I know that probably sounds dumb to some, but to me, I was like, that was that sign that I needed, that one, like, God was there, and two, like, my husband was there in spirit. And when I heard the song, like, peace just, like, washed over my body, and I was like, I got this.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

That is, I have goosebumps too. That's so beautiful.

I will forever love that song in that movie, and it just has so much special meaning. So they did a C-section, and that was scary. And my mom was thankfully, thankfully about to be there. I hadn't had C-sections for any of my other kids, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect, and I was a little bit nervous. But it was very, it was very routine. There was no, there were no complications. Like, it was very quick. My mom got to cut the cord, which is pretty special for her, because she had never done that before. And they wheeled me to my room, and the rest is history. I mean, like, I came home, and I was having to care for three little kids, and, you know, recover from a C-section without my husband. But we made it through, and Finn is just... He is the most beautiful, sweet little baby. He is what my family needed. I cannot thank God enough that he did not, like... That he didn't listen when I said, I am done, no more. And that he was like, okay, then I got to act quick. And then he gave me Finn, because Finn has been, like, the biggest blessing to our whole family. And I just... I love them. And the other thing I want to point out is that God kept his promise. I have not had any postpartum health issues or postpartum mental health issues this baby. I've felt like the healthiest and strongest and the happiest that I ever have. So yeah, God keeps his promises. But that's a lot of my story.

Yeah, what a beautiful story. Truly just, I mean, so many thoughts and feelings, but the biggest one is just like, wow. So much perseverance and resilience and hope throughout the whole thing, because I cannot even imagine, like, the one-two punch of, you know, your first experience with postpartum depression, and then opening your heart again, and then your heart being broken, and then finding out you're pregnant before you've fully felt healed and fully felt maybe even ready, you know? And then just to kind of have that cycle happen again, like, okay, you know? And, like, I feel like sometimes we, like, hear the spark notes, you know? But then, like, you don't really think, like, okay, but what if that was me? Like, what are the feelings that would actually accompany such life-shifting moments like that? And so I'm so grateful that, like, you gave us a peek into those feelings today. I'm so glad that this postpartum has been a more positive experience, because y'all moved, not too much. Like, how old was Sven when y'all moved?

He was about, I think it was, like, five and a half months.

Oh my gosh.

It was insane.

That is so hard.

I was, like, I was, honestly, it's kind of funny because, like, you know how I told him before, I was like, I cannot have any postpartum health, like, postpartum mental health issues. I cannot do it. I had everything stacked against me. I mean, okay, things could have been worse. I will say that. I know. But I feel like there are a lot of factors that could have contributed. I mean, I was alone. I was recovering from a C-section. I, you know, I found out I had Down syndrome, and that's, like, a new, scary thing to a lot of people. They don't know. I now realize it's not scary, but you don't know that unless you've been around it. Sure. Moving, like, all of these things, and, yeah, navigating a new job. It's just, I feel like I had so many things, like, stacked against me, and that I could have easily gone down that hole. And so it's, yeah, another miracle from God that I don't have these issues. And something I did want to say earlier as well was, that I meant to put in earlier was, during my whole pregnancy, like I said, was thin, they never found anything. So it's not like he had heart issues that they had to worry about, like he was growing fine. All of these things were totally fine. And so I kept wondering, like, why did they have such a strong prompting to, like, do the genetic testing to find out about the Down syndrome? Because to me, nothing was really different. Like, they could have found it out at first, and he was perfectly healthy. So why did I have all these promptings? And it wasn't until I went to that doctor's clinic, and when they started the induction, had I gone into labor naturally, he wouldn't have survived. The doctors told me that. And so I'm like, all of these experiences just prove to me the goodness of God and how much he really lives out for all of us and that he really is in the details.

Yeah. Well, so when you got your amniocentesis, did it come back positive at that point, or was it still?

Yeah.

It was. Okay. So up until, like, what is that, 20 weeks? You saw it at the anatomy scan or?

So I did the anatomy scan a little bit earlier. I was 18 weeks.

Okay.

So it's like, you know, they can do it at any time between 18 and 24 is typically the ideal. So they did the anatomy scan at 18 weeks. They do two different tests. There's one called the FISH test. I can't remember what it stands for. And then there's one called the Karyotype. So the FISH test basically just, it's like a little, the way it was described to me is they do like this little light bulb flash and it will show that there's like three chromosomes as opposed to two. The Karyotype is more in-depth. So they look at like the 24, something different genes that they're looking at. I don't know. It's more in-depth. So yeah, they did the FISH test. That was the first one I got. I got that back after two days. So after two days, it was confirmed. He had, he tried to be 21, like that he had three chromosomes. And then I got the rest back later. And so it was confirmed that it wasn't like a hereditary genetic one. So it's like there, I didn't know that there was multiple kinds of Down syndrome, but there are. He just has the spontaneous, all of his cells have the 23 of the 21st chromosome, blah, blah, blah. I am not a doctor. I am just a mom of a cute little baby with Down syndrome. And that was really fun too, getting to meet that community and kind of like build that little support system while I was pregnant. I had a lot of women like would call me and be like, oh, I guess I'm with Down syndrome or, oh, I'm a mom of a child with Down syndrome. And so I found a lot of support, thankfully, when I was pregnant and it just kind of carried over to now and yeah, we're very blessed.

I'm so glad. I'm so glad. I have a nephew that has like a rare genetic disorder that has a very tight-knit community as well. And so it's just so tender that, like that's such a blessing of our time to have not just the people in your immediate zip code for support, but like to have the support of people online and just having that wealth of community and like information, I feel like would just be such an extra blessing in the midst of adjusting. Like you said, I feel like it totally makes sense that it would be a shock and something to adjust to. But I mean, from the outside looking in, it seems like y'all have been adjusting very well and like sweetly. And you know, like, I'm glad, I'm glad that that community exists and that it's so strong and then it's really empowering, it seems.

It is so great. Fun fact, one of my mission companions from like 10 years ago had a baby last year as well in May. Her daughter has sound syndrome. So I was just like, oh, cool. But like 10 years ago when we were companions, God knew that someday we would have children that would both have sound syndrome, and we joked that they're going to get married someday.

I love that. That's so cute.

Like an arranged marriage.

Yes. Yes, that's perfect. I would love to ask some questions about just like newborn life with down syndrome if you're open to sharing, like just out of curiosity. Like, so it seems like you were able to take him home right away. Did he not need to be in the NICU at all when he was born?

If you ask any questions, don't worry about being politically correct or anything. Just ask whenever you feel.

Well, if I say something that's like, no, then please let me know because I'm learning too.

Yeah, you're good.

Thank you.

So, the one thing I have learned from the community is that every child is so different. So, Finn, I feel like he's a really mild-paced. He had zero NICU time. He's had no issues gaining weight or eating. Like, he's done really, really, really well. So, he had no NICU time. He came right home. He adjusted really well. He's been a good sleeper and a good eater from the time he was born. So, that's a huge blessing.

That's wonderful. And it makes sense that, like, it's a case-by-case basis, but I'm grateful, especially, like, just with everything, all the changes of moving and, you know, I didn't realize that Cyle was so new to the Navy either, like, because I hadn't met y'all before he joined, I don't think. And so, truly, I had no idea until we had this conversation that it was such a new thing for y'all to be adjusting with that, getting ready to move. You know, you still have two very active children, and how have they been with having another sibling, especially Jensen, you know, being not the youngest anymore? How has that transition been for her?

You know, both of my kids, one of the things that I loved most about Liam and Jensen is how big their hearts are. They love other children. They love little children. They love babies. Like, they both just kind of, like, take them in their wings. And sometimes I have to remind them to be, like, chill because they'll, like, get a little wilder, all these kids, because they love them so much. But they've been so well with Ben. Like, they always want to play with him. They're always wanting to feed him. They love to bring me diapers and wipes. Like, I came down one day from dropping something off upstairs, and Liam has been on his chest and was, like, watching a show. Oh, my gosh. And it was just, like, dead asleep on him. And so I had to take a picture because it was the cutest thing. But I'm like, they both flick out for him and love him so much. And there was not a hard adjustment. I was worried about Jensen just because of how Jensen is. I was a little bit worried that, you know, she would have a hard time. But now, like, they both really stepped into that role quickly. And I think, I think Finn's just so easy to love and he does have that special spirit that you can feel that they just, they felt it. And they, they took it around a bit, basically.

Yeah. Oh, it's so tender. I'm so glad. I mean, yeah, I hardly, like, I got to work with your kids a little bit and just, I totally saw what you're saying. Total, like, heart on their sleeves, little honeys. And sometimes that can make lots of transitions really hard, because, like, they are aware of it and they're feeling it and everything. And so I'm so glad. I'm just so glad that it seems to be just this sweet little, little time for your family. It's such a blessing after, especially, you know, the difficulties that you felt after your first two, like, for the second or for this third one to just be this really tender, like you said at the beginning, like, this sweet little bookend to your babies, or your, like, newborn experience is just so sweet.

Yeah. I feel grateful for the little family that I have, and, like, looking back, I don't love, like, a lot of the struggles I've had to go through. Like, it sucks, the miscarriages, it sucks, the mental health issues. I'm also, I've been able to use those experiences. I talk very openly about them. I'm very open about my spirit, I'm very open about mental health, because it's so common. And so, mom's not there. You need help, get it.

Yes.

The one piece of advice I could give, I wish if I could go back and do it over again, I would not have waited with Liam. I would have talked to my doctor and said that he was shamed about it at the beginning. And if it was Jensen, I would have gotten on it, like, right away, so.

Sure.

Big takeaway.

Yes, well, and it makes sense. Like, I mean, you know, of course, there's always things that, you know, you were like, oh, why didn't I get help sooner? You know, whatever, but especially if you had no, like, frame of reference for what it even was, like, you're like, oh, I guess it's just motherhood, you know, because I feel like that's a conversation that's changing gratefully, but it hasn't completely eradicated this, like, unhelpful belief that's like, well, motherhood is just really hard. It's like, okay, yes, it is really hard. Yeah, exactly. It's like, okay, yes, but also that doesn't mean that, like, these feelings can't be helped, like they can't be addressed. And so-

I'm like, some things are normal, but when it's to that extreme, that's not.

Yes, exactly.

That's like, that's what I tell people. I'm like, yeah, you're going to feel a little bit stressed and overwhelmed, you might cry a lot, like, that's normal and that's okay, and have someone to talk to, have support, but if you are constantly feeling like you can't breathe, or you are just to the point where you're like, I would rather die than deal with this or smile. If this is my life, but now I don't want it, that's not normal, get help.

Yeah. No, thank you, truly. I love getting candid about it, right? Just like Nurse Hannah being real with you and like, don't sugarcoat what's going on. I'm like, don't think, oh, baby doesn't like that position. Like, oh, mama's having a hard time. Like, no, sometimes we just need to pull back the curtain and just talk about it. And so I'm so grateful that you're able to use your experiences to just add like such a grounded perspective to the conversation of like, yeah, I had no idea what the heck was going on. And if we talked more about this, then maybe I would have had a better idea. And so just using your experience to help other people identify their experience is such a powerful thing. And it's why the conversation is changing. And so I'm so grateful that there's people like you that talk candidly about it, because otherwise it would still be like a shrouded, like, oh, that's so tough, you know, instead of...

Right. Good luck. You're doing great, momma. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My husband, like, my husband's now, anytime he buys out that one of his buddies has like a pregnant wife, he's like, here are the signs, watch for them. Because like a lot of times, like, your wife might not know, but you gotta watch. So that's my date.

Snaps for Cyle, that is amazing.

Good husband award.

Yes, that is what we need on all fronts. I love it. Well, I know you kind of answered this already, but I'd always love to ask if you could go back and tell your pre-mom self one thing, what's something you'd want to tell her?

To My Pre-Mom Self…

I think I would just drill in, like to continue to put trust in God, because I feel like a lot of the experiences like had, like, while I ultimately in the end followed God and like saw the blessings of it, like, there were a lot of times when I learned, I'm not so sure about this, like, and was, like, really doubtful. And I wish I could just go back and reassure myself that, like, God really does know how it's going to end. And he's there with you. And it's always, his plan is always better than the plan that we can create for ourselves, even if it doesn't seem like that. Like, I know that it doesn't seem like part of the plan of losing those two little babies is part of the plan. I know that he knows more. And so I would just tell myself to have more faith and just to continue to be brave. And then also, yeah, I would definitely, like, go back and encourage myself to take mental health not more seriously, because I think I could take it seriously, but, like, familiarize myself with, like, the common postpartum mood disorders and the ways that postpartum can affect you. That was my biggest, my biggest thing, so.

Yeah. You know, touching on your first beautiful reflection of just, like, lean in and trust and have faith, like, so much easier said than done, but I feel like you're such a great example already of, like, just following the path, even if it doesn't make sense, and even if, you know, there's heartache there, like, that there's purpose, and such a beautiful example of strength and trust. And that's, it's hard. It's a hard thing to do. It's so hard. Like, not to be taken lightly, because it is a very conscious choice every day to be like, okay, like, one step...

I trust in you. Exactly.

Exactly. And then I'm grateful that this last experience was such, like, a sweet reprieve from the postpartum depression. But I'm also grateful that, if it's weird to say, like, I'm grateful that those experiences, like, helped you to be able to help other people and to, like, relish this time a little bit more, if that makes sense. I don't know if that's...

Oh, yeah.

I don't mean to, like, demean the experience, but maybe just, like, find more purpose in it.

You’re saying what I felt. Like, I would never wish about anybody, but I'm grateful I have those experiences, because what it has allowed me to serve in, in, like, bigger capacities than I would have before. And I learned a lot. I learned a lot, and it helped me grow closer to God, and kind of like you, even though I wish I could have learned it another way, I am grateful for those experiences, and it has helped me, like, to see it in others, and I've been able to help others because of it, which is a blessing, so.

I feel like I've had experiences like that, too. I'm like, would I ever want to go through that again? No, you could not pay me $10 billion. But like, am I grateful at this point? Yes. And so, you know, just grateful that that perspective came, and you know, that it can just continue to be a part of the overall picture, right? Of like, both of these things exist, like, this really hard thing happened, and like, it mega sucked. And now, however many years later, like, I can see how it fits in a little bit more clearly. And that'll hopefully just become more clear as life goes on.

Amen.

Well, thank you so much for sharing your wonderful perspectives today and for, you know, teaching me just a little bit more about, like, the life with a sweet Down syndrome newborn. And, you know, he's almost not a newborn anymore, but just, we don't have to talk about it.

Yes, he's always going to be a baby in my heart. But I know. I'm like, take your time growing.

Yes. Well, I'm so grateful. Thank you so much for sharing all of your perspectives, especially, you know, the advice to other people, not just moms, but like Cyle's doing, like people with moms in their life. And thank you for being on the podcast today.

All right, y'all. Wasn't that such an incredible story? Okay, I have to know. Were we all raging together? Were you raging with me when Cyle wasn't allowed to be there for Finley's birth? Oh, my gosh. During that time, I was seriously about to make picket signs and write on her behalf somewhere. I don't even know where I would go. You'd find me on street corners probably just trying to get people riled up with me. Oh, my gosh. She is truly, I mean, so amazing. And that part of her story and so many other elements of her story just reinforce that women are so strong. I truly don't understand how we got labeled with this weaker of the two sexes nonsense. Women are so strong, okay? Especially moms. I think moms are given like this superpower that helps them to keep going, even if on paper, there's like literally no way you should be able to go or keep going. And I love where her story is at today, where they're just truly thriving after so many difficult experiences and so much uncertainty. So I just want to say if you're listening and you feel like you're at a point right now where you don't know how you can keep going, you don't know if there's like a light at the end of the tunnel, I hope that Hannah's story can just be a beacon of hope and remind you that it will get better. And hey, you've got this, okay? You've got this. We all believe in you. We all love you so much. And y'all, I'm so grateful that we're building this community of support from one another. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for bringing new friends with you. I love hearing from y'all. So be sure to let me know what you're liking, what you'd like to see more of. You can always DM me. You can comment on this episode wherever you're getting it, or you can message or leave a comment on Instagram. All right, friend. I think that's everything we have. Will I see you same time next week?

K, love you, bye!