Quick Dilation + Postpartum Health | Malloree’s Birth Stories

Meet Malloree

Brynn just like came out immediately, open eyes. And I was like, that's a little weird, but okay.

Like “k sis, calm down.” 

Hey y'all, welcome to The Labor Line, a mom-to-be's authentic look into the birth experiences of her mom friends. I'm your host, Emily, and today I'm joined by my friend Malloree. Malloree and I were super good friends throughout high school, and she and I also had a super fun friend group that would do so much together. She mentions it right at the top, but we had these dances put on by our church, and y'all, we would show up for these dances, okay? And I don't mean by dancing well. We definitely weren't good dancers, or at least I wasn't. I don't remember. But we brought the energy, and a lot of times that energy was a feral cat energy. And we just had so much fun, and it seriously meant a lot. Growing up, I always felt like kind of the extra friend, like kind of crazy and just over the top. And there's literally nothing worse when you're trying to just let loose and have fun and be silly. And people are not getting the vibe, and they're just like, okay, what are you doing? Like, makes my skin just crawl thinking about like those experiences. I feel like we've all probably had that. But Malloree never made me feel that way. You know that song? I feel like I've been seeing it like on Instagram and stuff. It's like that dumb song, like, is somebody gonna match my freak? Well, Malloree was often the only person who could match my freak. And sometimes she would out freak my freak. So she was a real one. She still is. 

And so all this is to say that today's episode has such a fun energy. In our adulthood, we have chilled quite a bit, but we still had so much fun, and it was so great to catch up and to talk to her about her experiences. So Malloree has three girls and is currently cooking up her fourth. She's also due in March of next year. So we're just filling that month with a generation of little teeny friends. And I love it. I can't wait. So today Malloree will share about her experience being group B strip positive for all three of her births. And one of those times it led to UTI, which is just diabolical and so annoying. She talks about dilating from a five to a ten in a matter of 15 minutes, which just left me speechless. She has a one push wonder experience where she just pushed one of her babies out, literally one and done and they were here. And she talks about a failed epidural that she ended up having a multi-day long allergic reaction to. So, so much packed into this episode already. She also experienced a miscarriage sadly, which she will briefly mention. So as always, that will be marked in the chapters for those who would like to know. She also has experienced the full gamut of postpartum mental health experiences, from postpartum depression with her first to rage with her second, and anxiety with her third. She shares great insights and tips for identifying early warning signs and getting the help that she need. So Malloree is such a treat to have on the podcast. I will say, I completely forgot to ask her what she would tell her pre-mom self. I don't know if we blame it on pregnancy brain. I think we were just like having a ton of fun, and I just totally forgot that we were even recording, and I was just talking to my friend. But either way, I did text her and got her thoughts on that. So I will share that at the end of the episode, so be sure to stick around for that. But without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome to the podcast Malloree. Thanks so much for being here. Tell us a bit about yourself and what you and your family have been up to.

Oh my gosh. I literally, actually, I had a Facebook memory pop up of you and I at a church dance.

Oh gosh. Peak, peak. I love it.

And it was amazing. I was like, oh, take me back, because those moments were so fun. They were so fun. They were some of the best moments ever, those dances that we would go to. So freaking fun. Doing whatever we wanted.

Yes. Take me back. I need that intravenously, honestly.

Malloree + TJ

I know, I know. Every once in a while, I'm just like, okay, I need that. But I'm Malloree. I have three girls. I've been married for over seven years. I'm from Texas, but I'm living in South Carolina right now. And I'm pregnant with my fourth girl. Girl gang.

Yes, yes. So cute. And they're such sweet sisters. I'm obsessed just seeing your stories of them just being so cute and just full on girlhood. It's just so tender.

They have their moments, but genuinely, they love each other a lot. They really do. And I love saying it so much. It's so fun.

It's so tender. And you can tell, right? Like you can tell that just they're always just like hanging on each other and just so sweet. And so to add another cute little girlie to that is so exciting.

I know I'm excited. I would like a boy, but I also love having girls. So whatever God wants to give me, I'm good with.

Yes. Yes. Well, you've been doing a great job with your girls so far. So it's like, well, thank you. Keep it going. So fun.

Keep up my girl gang.

Yes. I love it. So cute. Well, if you're ready, I'd love to just jump right in and talk about your first experience getting pregnant.

1st Pregnancy: Positive Pregnancy + Extreme Tiredness

Yeah. So me and my husband got married in June of 2018, and we always kind of said we wanted to be married for a full year kind of experience stuff just us before even trying to get pregnant, which I feel like was really good for us because we got married, we did an internship in Texas for a few months, and then we ended up moving to Washington. So it was really good for us, I feel like, to have that year of it just being us. And then I always kind of heard it takes a few months to get pregnant. You know, I feel like the normal range is like three to four months, or three to six months in general. But I got pregnant the first time, and I was not expecting it. I was like, okay. So I got pregnant, and it was funny, though, because I didn't have a regular menstrual cycle at that point. So I didn't know my due date. I didn't know anything, which was kind of annoying. Like, it was kind of frustrating, because I didn't know exactly how far along I was. But I wasn't sick. I was so tired. I was so exhausted, which makes sense. Like, never been pregnant before. But I was really glad I wasn't sick. I was really glad.

Yes, what a score.

Seriously, seriously, especially now, having been sick with my pregnancies, it was very nice not to be sick the first time. But my first appointment, I was 10 weeks, which was actually really fun, because she actually looked like a little baby. By then, you see their arms and their legs and their head, and they look somewhat more like a baby instead of a jelly bean.

Yes, so cute.

So that was fun. It was hard to wait, though. It felt like 20 years waiting to see how far along I was, and when my due date was, and all those things. But yeah, that first ultrasound was really fun. And then I had a really easy pregnancy with Blair. I didn't find out the gender until 20 weeks at my anatomy scan, which also felt forever. Waiting until my anatomy scan. And then, yeah, I had a really easy pregnancy. I worked out the whole time. Like I had no complications. And then I was probably 37 weeks exactly. And me and my husband went and played soccer. And I did this like jumping kick, which definitely should not have been doing. But don't know why I did it. And my water started leaking, which I didn't know at that point. So that happened on a Saturday. And I had my appointment on Monday. And I noticed I had to change my underwear several times a day. And nobody had told me that that was even a thing. Like, your water could be leaking.

Yeah, I feel like I always hear it just all at once. So for it to be just dripping, I would not. Yeah, same, I would not guess.

And I was 37 weeks, so I'm like, oh, just stuff is coming out. Like, I'm so pregnant, you know what I mean?

Like anything could be happening down there. We have no idea.

1st Labor: Leaking Amniotic Fluid, 2nd Degree Tear, & A Big Baby

I could be peeing, like, whatever. So I told my doctor at my Monday appointment, which thankfully was Monday, because if your water is leaking or whatever for too long, it could potentially not be good, right? Because you can get an infection, you can, like, stuff could happen. So I mentioned it to him. And he was like, well, just in case, and I don't think I was leaking, like, it wasn't like a steady leak, you know, it's just like drips. But enough to have to change every once in a, like, several times a day. But so I told him, and then he had me go to the hospital, and they do a test to see if it's amniotic fluid or not. And I walk in and I'm like, hey, my doctor wants me to do this test. And the nurses are kind of like, okay, first time mom, whatever, you know, you're probably just peeing. And I'm like, I'm just here because he told me to come. So just do the test. And if it's not, then it's not. I was like, stop, stop being mean to me. Like, just do it. Anyways, it ended up being positive. So they were like, oh, my gosh. And I heard it. I heard it. I was in the room and I heard, oh, my gosh, your patient is positive. And I was like, OK, I guess I'm not going home. I didn't have my backpack. I'm a procrastinator. Have your backpack by 36 weeks, please.

Better safe than sorry. And that's a whole month early. That's something that's been blowing my mind. It's like three weeks early from your due date. That's a long time.

I know, especially for a first-time mom, I feel like.

Yeah.

I feel like, I don't know, I just feel like usually first-time moms don't go early, but I had to get induced because it had been a few days that my water was doing that. So they just didn't want me to have an infection. I also was GBS positive. Which is, oh my gosh, I'm going to blank it.

It's, I can Google it. Let's see.

Try GBS.

With a G?

Yeah, with a G.

Oh yeah, that's a thing. Okay. Group, oh yeah, Group B.

Group B, yes. Yes, Group B positive, which I'm pretty sure is like a bacteria that can cause infection if like your water has been leaking for too long or whatever. Not everybody has it, but I've had it all three times.

Oh no, that's so annoying.

It's really annoying. They basically just gave you antibiotics for, I think they have to give you like two rounds of antibiotics and then you're fine. Okay. But they were kind of worried because my water had been leaking for a few days and I was positive, which everything ended up being fine. Like I didn't have an infection or anything, but I started my induction and everything was fine. I got my epidural pretty quickly because I was scared at that point to feel any kind of painful contractions.

Well, especially just to be caught off guard, like all of a sudden you're in labor, like surprise.

Yeah, I actually do think that was probably part of it. Like I wasn't expecting my baby to come a little over 37 weeks. Obviously, I didn't have my backpack.

Sure, but like you said, first time moms don't expect, I've always hear like, oh, you're going to go over, you know, like your body is just taking longer.

Yeah. Well, no, not always the case. I also was almost two centimeters dilated at that point, which I feel like helped my induction. So from start to finish, it was like 15 hours with my induction, which I feel like it's not crazy for my first induction. Yeah. I did have to push for like an hour, which is because my daughter had a ginormous head. And she just, I basically had to push her head out, and then she just flopped out because her head was so big. It was so big. So, yeah, she came out, and it was great because it was just me and my husband. It was during COVID, so I couldn't have anybody else, which was bittersweet. It's kind of nice just being you and your husband. I wouldn't have cared if like anybody else had come, but it was a cool moment for your first to just have it be you and your husband. So yeah, I had her and she was 8 pounds, 12 ounces and a little over 37 weeks.

Oh my gosh. So it's good that she came early.

1st Postpartum: Undetected Postpartum Depression + Breastfeeding Wins

She was a big girl and she had a big head. She had a big head. I remember my sister-in-law had twins the same exact day that I had Blair, and they were six months old. And she had, I think she had gotten their measurements for their six-month appointment. And the twins' heads weren't even as big as Blair's were when she was born.

Malloree.

And I was like, that is not okay.

Your first baby. Oh my gosh. So how, if you don't mind my asking, how was the damage? How were you doing down there after?

I had a second-degree tear, which was not fine. It could have been worse. You know, like there's fourth-degree tears. Really bad, really bad. Thankfully, I did not have that bad. But I did have a second-degree inside and outside. The inside was honestly the worst. The outside would have been fine, but it was inside. And then also I had to have antibiotics. So I got a UTI.

Great, jeez.

Yeah, so I had stitches and I had a UTI. That was the actual worst.

No, that's horrible. Oh my gosh.

So that was not fun. It was really bad for like three days. Like pain-wise, pain-wise, it hurt really bad for like three days. But I had to stay in the hospital for a little bit longer than usual because I wanted to check on my infection. In fact, I didn't have an infection, but they just wanted to make sure. And also, she was so big. So usually, big babies indicate gestational diabetes, which I didn't have, but they were like, just going to check her blood sugar just in case. And it ended up being fine, but she was pretty jaundice, like she was really jaundice. So I had to stay an extra day. I think I was there for three days. Well, four, including my induction, which those beds are not comfy.

That's a long time.

The beds are so terrible. But yeah, she had jaundice pretty bad. And then they let us go because her levels were okay. But then I went to the doctor the next day to check them, and I had to go to the hospital again overnight so she could get on the lights, which I'm grateful that they have that, you know? But it just was also like, oh, I just got out of here, and I have to go back again, you know, to the hospital.

That would be mentally hard.

It was, and it was COVID, so it was already like, I was worried, you know, about a bunch of stuff. But after that night, they let us go, and then she was fine. She nursed really well. I nursed her until she was 14 months. She was a really good baby, like really easy.

That's so good. She's like, well, I know my head is in the 100th percentile, but I will feed you.

Literally. Yes. That girl has always been in the 99th percentile. She is a tall girl. She's tall. But she was such a good baby. She was so easy. I had a little bit of postpartum depression, but I didn't get on medication at that point because I feel like I wasn't educated very well in it. So maybe I could have, but it ended up being fine. And then we moved to Texas when she was like seven months old, which is crazy.

Yeah. I feel like I keep talking to these moms that move within the first year of their baby's life. I'm like, that is Wonder Woman material right there. Like that's so hard. Moving sucks. And then to have a little baby, and that's a huge move from Washington State to Texas. Yeah.

It's far.

It's far. It's like a 30-hour drive. Yeah. So it was luckily we had lots of help. His family helped us pack up, which was so amazing. They helped us so much. And then my family, we flew them out, and they drove us, they helped drive us to Texas, which was really nice. So I feel like everything was as easy with a kid as it could have been. You know what I mean? And then, how old was she when I got pregnant with Brynn? I think she was 15 months. Okay, they're like exactly two years apart.

So I don't know what's the math.

My brain doesn't work.

No, 15 months. You're right. 15 months.

2nd Pregnancy: Slower Fertility + New Nausea

Okay, yeah. So my due date with Blair was April 9th, and I had her March 24th. And my due date with Brynn was April 8th.

Oh my gosh.

So yeah, that was kind of cool that they were exactly. And I feel like with Brynn, actually, it took me a while to get pregnant. I wonder if it's because when I nurse, I don't have a menstrual cycle, which I know you can still potentially ovulate when that's happening. But my body was kind of like, you're still nursing. You don't need to be pregnant right now, which I know some people do. I just feel like my body was like, no, let's not do that. So I actually tried to get pregnant for seven months with Brynn, which how many of those was I nursing? I was nursing five of those months. So if you really think about it, it was kind of like two months after I got my cycle.

Sure.

But was that still kind of draining?

Yeah, I was gonna ask, yeah.

Yeah, it was draining, because it happened so fast with Blair. So I was like, oh, yeah, it'll be fine. It'll be good. But it was definitely mentally draining to wait that long. And I feel so bad. I feel I didn't have it as long as some people do. So I just feel for people who struggle with infertility, because even those seven months felt like seven years.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah. No, I feel like, I think that it's called like secondary infertility, which like you're saying, that seven months is within a range, right, of like not necessarily infertility. But just, especially like if your expectations were set from that first time of like, oh, well, we just like, we can plan this out and blah, blah, blah. And then your plans continually get pushed back and pushed back. Like that, I mean, what you're saying, like that would be so hard. And I can't imagine, I hope to not be able to imagine, like what longer periods of infertility would feel like, because it's so emotional.

It really is. And I feel like, at least for me, when me and my husband are like, okay, we want to start trying, it's a very much like, okay, let's do it. Let's do it. I'm ready.

Let's go ahead.

So when it's not happening, it's such a mental game. I always say that when you're trying to get pregnant, it's such a mental game, which is so frustrating when it's not happening, when you want it to. But yeah, I got pregnant when she was like 15 months. And I was fully expecting not to be sick with Blair. Oh, was I sick? Oh, I was so sick. I never throw up, but on the verge, it always starts at six weeks for me now after Brynn. Six weeks. And then with Brynn, it stopped around 12. But that's six weeks, I feel like you're going to throw up every day, every second.

Well, and I feel like being on the verge and not being able to kind of mega sucks. Like having been someone who did puke, like it was actually relieving for at least like an hour afterwards. Like, yeah, like I know I'm good for a little bit. So just to like have that constant, oh, that's horrible. And then to have that with a toddler, just, oh my gosh.

I felt so bad. I mean, obviously she does not remember that. Like she was 15 months old. Yeah, she doesn't remember. But I had major mom guilt like the whole time. I literally, we had just, we had bought a house when we moved to Texas. And it was like a tiny little 1100 square foot house. It was perfect for us then. But I turned a show on in my living room. I turned a show on in my room, and I laid down where she was. If she was in the living room, I'd lay down on the couch. If she was in my bedroom, I'd lay down on the couch. So I baby proofed everything so she could roam around. And I put the chairs on my table, so she wouldn't climb on my table. Like I did everything so that I could just not do anything.

Yeah, oh my gosh. I mean, it works, right? It works. And you're like, I'm doing this so that you can have someone to play with. Okay, like we can have six weeks of you.

I was like, you're welcome. You're welcome, girl. You're welcome. But she was fine. She like, she was so easy. She was so, such a good baby and such a good toddler. And she's still so good. But she would just play and she would give me her toys and she'd watch shows with me and she'd snuggle with me and it was fine. And she'd take three hour daps every day.

So great job, Blairs. Good work.

I know. She was the real MVP. She was really good. But it's crazy though, because even though I didn't throw up, I wasn't wanting to eat a lot. So I still lost 15 pounds in six weeks, which was a lot.

Yeah, that's a lot.

I just felt so drained, like no nutrients because I didn't want to eat anything. I remember the only thing I wanted to eat was like banana bread, which is so weird. I feel like that's such a weird craving, like banana bread.

That sounds delicious though.

I mean, but whatever works.

Yeah, there's stuff in there. There's fruits, there's protein from the eggs. So you're good.

Yeah. I don't know if you've had any, have you had any cravings or anything?

Um, not like overwhelming cravings. Like I saw a commercial for Olive Garden never-ending pasta, and I knew I wouldn't be able to eat all of it, but I wanted angel hair pasta so bad. And so that was fulfilled, like, last weekend. We all went to Olive Garden as a family, and it was so good. But I'm like you, like the six week to 12 week, nothing. Like, I would have saltines and ramen and cheese. I could do cheese, and that was about it.

Cheese?

Yeah, I like, me and my mom are big cheese freaks. We just like have those little cheese snackers. We, I like, live off of those. So.

I love that.

Yeah, that was, that was basically. Oh, and bean and cheese burritos. I could do like little bean and cheese burritos in the morning. And so I felt like from the time I woke up, like the minute I gained consciousness, my one job was to go get that bean and cheese burrito, because I'm like, I have to eat something, because otherwise, it's going to be extra bad all day.

Yes. Yeah. No, it's so true. Like, I felt literally awful, but if I didn't have two salting crackers in the morning or whatever, it was 10 times worse.

Yeah. It was so much worse. You have to give yourself something in the morning, because your blood sugar is, like, at an all-time low in the morning. I mean, that's still kind of how I feel. Like, I'm 16 weeks right now, and, like, I have to eat something, and it's, like, got to be substantial, like, yogurt or something that my body can do something with, and then I'm pretty good. But if I, like, mess up in the morning, then the day's kind of over already.

Which is so annoying, because you're like, I just want to do nothing.

Yes, and I'm not a big breakfast person.

And usually I don't want to eat. Yeah, I was going to say, eat breakfast. But those are, yeah, that meal is definitely the best of the day when you're pregnant.

They were right.

Definitely the best. Yes. I'm a I'm a weirdo, and I have always craved baked potatoes when I'm in my first trimester.

That sounds so good.

It's so good. I remember with Blair, I ate four in one day one time.

Literally four. You were in Washington right next to Idaho. You probably had really good potatoes too.

And you know what? My husband worked for a potato company as the supply chain person.

So there you go. This family was built on potatoes.

It was meant to be. It was so meant to be. But yeah, I think I ate potatoes, like baked potatoes every once in a while with brine and saltines and sprite. Sprite was like helps me a lot, which I'm not a big soda drinker, but I don't know if it's like a placebo effect. Like the bubbles made me feel like it helped my stomach.

Totally. You're like, I don't care what it is. It helps. I have these little like preggy pop drop thingies.

I love those.

From Walmart? They're so good.

Yes.

And they're so good. My mom was with me this past week, and she was like reading the ingredients, like, what in this helps? I'm like, I literally don't know. And if it's placebo, I don't care. Like, whatever it's doing, it's working.

Are yours like kind of sour?

I don't know. Well, the lemon ones are like.

Mine were kind of sour. Yeah.

Yeah.

Mine were a little sour, which I feel like I've heard helps. Like, sour stuff can help. You not feel as nauseous. Placebo or not, I don't know. It works.

Yeah. Like, I'll take it.

I don't really care 

Yeah. Like, I'm not picky. I'm just trying to friggin survive, so.

Exactly. Exactly. Literally anything. And I'm not a big ramen person, usually, except for when I'm pregnant. I love ramen when I'm pregnant. 

Because you can eat a lot of it. At least for me, like, I can eat a lot of it. And sometimes you're just mentally like, I just want to feel like I have a meal. And so to have like a full bowl of something. And it's just like, what is it going to do to you? Like, it's just noodles and flavored water.

I'm not eating anything else.

Yeah.

So, like, you're welcome for giving you noodles, baby.

Yeah. Do with it what you will. That's also why I have a vitamin, because I know food's not really doing much for you right now. But yeah, it works.

I was so nervous, too, because I couldn't even take my prenatal. It was like, yeah, it was bad. It was bad. And I was kind of freaking out about that with my doctor. And she was like, it's OK. Like, so many people are pregnant and they don't know until they're like three or four months. So like, it's OK.

Yeah.

If you can't stomach it every day. So I tried the chewable ones, which those ones were. They didn't taste amazing. But sometimes that's all I could eat. Like, you know, the chewable ones instead of swallowing the pill. I don't know what. I just could not.

Yeah. No, I still have to take mine at night because some days I'm like, yes, just so big. Yeah.

It's like, yes, they are. They're so and they I actually started taking. They're called Ritual Prenatal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they smell like peppermint.

That's so nice. Mine is orange right now. And I'm like, I know orange is not a flavor, but peppermint would be very nice.

Like, yeah, it's like peppermint. What's it called? Essential oil.

Yeah. Well, and peppermint is like an essential oil that helps you not feel so nauseous either. Am I? I think I don't know. So that would be a smart move.

It's been nice.

Well, Ritual, sponsor us because you're welcome. Sponsor us.

But I feel you, I used to take the Nature Maid ones.

That's the one I'm taking right now. They're huge.

They're so big and they smell weird. They smell weird. I took those with Brynn and Tate and Blair. Yeah, everybody except for this one. So if you ever want to try Ritual, they smell like peppermint and they don't taste bad.

All right, maybe after this bottle runs out, I'll give myself that because it is a little rough. It's a little rough. They're huge. They don't smell like orange.

They're so big. They're so big. I'm like, why can't you just make them a little bit smaller?

Seriously. But yeah, seriously.

Yeah, first trimester with her was not fun. And then once I stopped feeling nauseous, I got really bad headaches for like three weeks. It was like three weeks after I stopped feeling nauseous. I've never gotten such bad headaches ever, which I don't know why. I don't know. I don't know why I got them, but they ended up after like around 15 weeks. And then I didn't find out she was a girl until 20 weeks again, which is always fun. I don't know. It's also fun finding out the gender at the Anatomy Scan with you and your spouse or whatever, your significant other. And I could, since I had had a couple of ultrasounds with Blair, I was like, I kind of could tell, like I kind of could read it. So before she even told me, I was like, that's a girl.

Oh, that's so cute.

That's so fun. So it was fun. I was like, am I right? I'm right, right? And she was like, yeah, that's a girl.

That's so cute.

Yeah, it was fun. Brynn was another besides feeling sick. After that, it was fine. It was easy. It was, I got so much bigger, so much faster. Like my stomach just popped so much faster. I was like, I feel humongous right now.

I've heard that's a thing. Your body's like, I know what we're doing. Let's just do it.

Yeah, it's so true. It's such, I feel like around 20 weeks with Blair's when I started looking pregnant. But with Brynn, 15 weeks, I was like, yeah. Like people were like, oh, what are you having your baby? And I'm like, oh, I'm still 15 weeks. Thank you.

In six months, thanks. Yeah.

Don't talk to me.

Yeah. Great.

2nd Labor: Scheduled Induction, Quick Dilation, Out in 1 Push! 

Yeah. I'm like, that makes me feel good. Whatever. But it was fine. Whatever. And then with Brynn, I chose to be induced at 39 weeks because I was like, having to chase my toddler around. She had turned two when I was a little over 37 weeks. She had just turned two. And I had anxiety also towards the end of that pregnancy. And I was like, I just want to be induced. Like just let me be induced. I don't want to worry about if she's randomly coming, whatever. So I went into the hospital at like 6 a.m. on April 1st. I was 39 weeks on April 1st. But I got there. They started, they didn't start me on my induction until I was, it was like, it was like eight. So I was waiting for like two hours in a room. They got me all hooked up with like my antibiotics because I was positive again. And then they broke my water. And that which is so weird. They have this little like hook. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt at all. But they have this like, like imagine like a long needle hook, like for crocheting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they just like go up and pop it. And then it just gushes out. The weirdest feeling. It's so like you're peeing your pants, but you're not trying. Yeah, there's no muscles in play. Yeah, it's just a gallon of water coming out of you. And it's warm. It's so warm.

Oh, man. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I hadn't thought about that.

It's incredibly warm. It's so weird. And then I got my epidural pretty quickly after that because I was still a little nervous about contractions. I was already dilated to four at 39 weeks. I don't remember how I faced I was though. But so basically, they started me on pitocin. So they broke my water at like 8, 8:30. And they started me on pitocin after I got my epidural. And then I had her at 1:30.

Whoa, that's so fast!

Yeah, I remember they checked me. They checked me at one-ish, and I was a five. And then my husband actually like, I was like, yeah, I'm a five, like go get something to eat or whatever, because like you can't eat. And I was like, please don't eat in the room, because I'm so hungry. Like don't. So he went to go find something to eat, and he was going to leave. He had just left like, it was probably 120. No, it was probably like 115. So they had just checked me, like literally just checked me. And I was like, I know she just checked me, but I feel like I'm going to like, like I feel like I want to push.

What the heck?

And I knew that that feeling was like, your baby's right there. And I started shaking. Like when you're in transition, you shake really, really bad. And I was a 10.

Wait, so she checked you when you were five, and then 15 minutes later?

She checked me at like 1pm. Yeah. And then I was a 10.

Oh my gosh. What the heck? 

And I called TJ. I was like, get up here right now. And my mom was around. I had her at Baptist. So my mom lived nearby. So I had already called her, and I was like, hey, you should probably come. I'm a five, whatever. She was in the parking lot, and I was like, run, literally run, run right now, because I feel like I can't hold her in. It was so uncomfortable to hold her. I felt like I had to hold her in because I also had to wait for my doctor, which his office was in the hospital. It wasn't very far. And then I was also trying to mentally prepare for another, I had to push for an hour with Blair. So I was like, okay, I have to push for an hour. I feel like she's gonna pop out, but you never know. So I was mentally preparing for that. And my mom got there, well, the doctor got there. He was getting everything ready. I was like, she's just down the hall. Can we wait two minutes? And then she got there, and he was like, okay, push, and she came right out.

Oh my gosh, literally in one push?

Yeah, she came out like right then. And I was like, oh my gosh. I was like, what is happening? This did not happen to me last time. So she came out so fast. And when she came out, she just like opened her eyes, and she was just like looking around.

She was also surprised it was so fast.

Yeah, she was like, oh my gosh. Which I feel like, at least for Blair, she still had her eyes closed, and she was crying, but she was like trying to open her eyes. Brynn just like came out immediate, open eyes. And I was like, that's a little weird, but okay. Yeah, she's like, hello.

K sis, calm down.

Yeah, which like knowing her now, she's three, like it's totally her. Like she wants to be in everything, every situation, everything.

That's so cute.

2nd Postpartum: Postpartum Rage, Medication + Therapy

And she didn't sleep, which she was just chilling. Like she cried when she came out, but like not a lot. And she just like had her eyes open. She wanted to eat, but she was still awake. I feel like all my other babies have kind of gone to sleep after like an hour. She stayed up for three hours.

She's like, what are we doing, guys?

Yeah, she's like, hey, I'm here. But she didn't cry. She was just chilling. Everybody was holding her, and she would just chill. And then she went to sleep. But she was so, she also was a very good baby. And she was a little bit jaundiced too, but not to the degree that Blair was. So I actually left 24 hours after I had her, which was amazing. It was amazing. So I left, and then Blair, it still was COVID rules. So I could have my mom there. My mom was there for her birth, and I could have visitors, but I couldn't have anybody under 16, even though she was her sibling, which I kind of was like, that's kind of sucky.

That's weird. Yeah.

It's not that way anymore.

Was that 2022?

Yeah, it was April 2022.

That's like kind of far. I don't know. I'm like, that's-

I know.

Whatever. Yeah.

It was barely, I think, on the edge of them changing stuff. So a month before I had her, they stopped testing for COVID. You had to get tested before you had your baby, which is crazy to me because some people went in and they're in labor and they're like, let me stick something up your nose so that we can see if you have COVID while you're in a lot of pain.

COVID moms are built differently.

That happened to my friend. I know. That happened to my friend. She was like, get away from me. Stop touching me. My baby is coming out. Like, stop. 

That's so hard. That's so crazy.

I know. But they stopped doing the testing a month before I had Brynn, so that was nice. But yeah, Blair couldn't go to the hospital, which was really sad. I really wanted her to. But then we just brought her to my parents' house because she was staying with my parents. And it was so cute. She kept saying, my baby, my baby. I want to hold my baby. My heart. And I got her. I know it was so I was like crying. I was like, my little baby. But before I had her, Blair and I went to the store. And we got her a little...I got Blair. She loved Minnie Mouse at that time. So I got her a little Minnie Mouse. And then she wanted to pick out a little Minnie Mouse for her that she could give to her, which was actually really fun because she was excited to give the baby something. But yeah, we brought her home and then we took Blair home. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I have two kids. Oh my gosh, what am I going to do? But it ended up being fine. So far, one to two was my hardest transition, which is crazy. I feel like a lot of people say zero to one was their hardest, but one to two was hard because I had a toddler and I had a newborn. Even though they were both great, they both were pretty easy. It was still hard. I also, about three weeks after I had Brynn, I started feeling rage. I had mega postpartum rage, which is not fun. It is not fun. I was just mad for no reason. Like I would get mad at any little thing that happened. I didn't feel that way for too long because I was like, I can't be like this, you know, for forever. Like I know myself and I know that I'm just gonna go crazy if I just let myself feel this way, you know, like not do anything about it. So I think it was like the third day that I felt ragey, where I felt mad. Blair did something. She didn't do anything, but she like put her shoes away the wrong way or something. And I got like internally, I was like fuming. And I was like, okay, that's not normal. Let's go to the doctor. Yeah, let's go to get this taken care of, because I don't deserve to feel that way. Number one. Number two, my kids and my husband also, like they're not doing anything, and I'm just getting mad for no reason. So the next day, they got me in and I started seeing a therapist, and I got on medication, which therapists highly recommend, highly recommend. And then I was, I kind of regulated after a few weeks and it was a lot better. I'm really grateful that I went on medication and that I was talking to somebody, because it was so, like I felt like my world did a 360 when I had postpartum rage. It was so, it was so hard to feel that way and to be a mom and to take care of stuff. My husband also didn't get paternity leave, so he was there for the birth, but he had to work from home, which was really hard in his work, because he kind of had to be at work to do it easily. So he took a few days off, but they were like out of his days off, you know, that he had, which was kind of sucky that he didn't get any. And that also was probably what was hard. But I learned a lot in those first, it was probably like the first two months, where I was like, oh my gosh, I just feel like I'm a tornado. Like everything, everything is happening at once, everything, I'm trying to get my hormones regulated. I read something actually after I had Tate, and it said, when you have your baby, it's like you take 100 birth control pills. Like your hormones are that out of whack. Which is crazy.

It's like the most extreme hormonal drop that a human being, like, unless you have, like, some gland or whatever, you know, like, it's a huge drop. So I feel like I've heard a teeny bit about rage, but for it to be, like, treated similarly or in the exact same way as postpartum depression is really important to know. Like, I think that that's super interesting. Did you have to go in person for your therapy appointments?

No, I chose to do it through Better Health.

Okay.

It's online. And I chose that way because that's kind of the only option I had.

You know, say, if you had to take those kiddos with you, I don't know how that would be with, you know, TJ working.

No, it would have been so bad.

Yeah. You're like, this is worse.

It would have been not fun. I think my mom also was working. People were working, which I get, I totally get. And like my in-laws came for two weeks, so that was really nice with the first two months. But so they helped me and my mom helped me. But then like people have to go back to their regular lives, you know? Yeah. So I wish I could have gone in person, like that would have been really nice, I think. But better help was a really good option, because I just did it when they were sleeping. Like I just called them on the phone, like a phone call. And yeah, it was nice. It was nice. But I definitely 100% recommend therapy. Like it's worth all the money that you can get. And I even like to this day, like sometimes I'll just go have a therapy appointment every once in a while when I am feeling like I need it.

It's so important. It's so important.

Yeah, it is. And I'm really glad I didn't wait to get in to see my doctor, to see a therapist, to see like all these people, because I know a lot of people who don't or who don't have the resources to do that. And they just like, you truly like are suffering when you feel that way. And you have to take care of these little people who really depend on you. So I'm always like, if I ever have a friend that is feeling that way, I'm like, please go help yourself. So you can not only take care of yourself, but help these other people that need you. You know?

Totally. No, Preach, it's like the airplane oxygen mask rule, right? Like, put your mask on before you put on your mask and or someone else's mask. And I was having a moment of just kind of like of just like emotional kind of freaking out this last week with my mom of just just kind of like hitting me of like, wait, I'm actually going to have to do this, you know? And like, and I have like a history of mental health and all this stuff. And it was so sweet. She was like, you know, if you need to just put your baby in their crib and they just cry for a second and you go in your room and just take a minute, even that. Right. Like, obviously, that's very much like a bandaid moment. Right. And if that's continually happening, there's other resources that need to be tapped into. But like, I was so grateful that she said that and grateful that we can talk more just like openly and specifically of like, this is it's insane. It is an insane time. And so you've got to you've got to get through how you need to get through. And like being aware of yourself, like you said, like, this is not me. This rage. I know myself well enough. This is outside of the range of normal or healthy. And so for you to be able to like recognize that flag right away and respond to it is so important. It's like such a blessing to you and to your kids, right? That you can see that from from the minute it happened.

It was definitely like also very hard to be like, oh, I'm actually struggling. I'm actually having a really hard time because I feel like I don't know if this is an older kid thing or a girl thing or whatever, but I'm like, I've got it. It's fine. Like, I can do it. I don't need help. I also think I'm pretty chill in general, and I was not feeling very chill at that moment. Like I really was not. So I was like, oh my gosh, I hate feeling like this. This is the worst. And I really feel like if you are feeling that way, one of the biggest things that is important is just saying everything. Like say it to your spouse, especially. Say it to whoever you can, because keeping it bottled inside also is not fun. And you shouldn't have to do that.

No, that's a great, that's a great, like very practical application, right? Of like, even if you don't know what these feelings mean, even if you haven't sorted out, oh, is this within the range of healthy or whatever you want to say, like to verbalize it and just be loud and proud with what you're feeling. That's, I love that applicable tip, because, you know, like there's so much in a new mom's mental load, I can imagine. Or, you know, during that newborn window, that it's like, I can't think to do anything else, but I'm going to talk. I'm just going to vocally process what I'm feeling. And that's like, I feel like that feels doable, you know, like with everything that's going on.

Yeah, you can talk. You can, you know, if you can't, if you're torn so bad that you can't even stand up, or you need help going to the bathroom, you can at least say something. You can, you know, use your words. Also, unfortunately, people can't read your mind.

So rude of them. Come on.

That's so rude. And I am like, why can't you just look at me and be like, you are having a hard time?

Don't you know me well enough to know?

It doesn't happen like that. Yeah, can't you just like smell me and be like, oh yeah, you're struggling.

So until that's invented, I guess we have to say something, which is unfortunate.

Yeah, you have to say how you're feeling, unfortunately. But I'm a real, like, I don't love, I've never loved taking medicine. I'm always kind of like, I'll just push through it. You shouldn't push through that. Like, you shouldn't have to push through that. Like, give your brain a break. Give your brain a couple months of a break. Also, if you go on medication, please do not get off the moment you feel good, because that means your meds are working. That means therapy is working. You know what I mean?

No, seriously.

Please don't, just don't. Don't do that, even if you want to.

It's like antibiotics. You got to finish the whole thing, right? Like, you got to finish it, you know, whatever. But like, to that point, you're already pushing through so much. Like, your mental health does not need to be an additional barrier, right? Like, you're already going to be exhausted. You're already going to be physically in pain and adjusting. You're already going to be, you know, very emotional as you adjust. Like, there's like emotional adjustment no matter what. But then, yeah, to your point, like, that is not something that needs to be draining you more. That's going to affect everything else. So take it seriously. Yeah.

And if you want to get off, which I try, I usually try after six months of taking it. I'm like, OK, I've given myself, like, I've given my brain a break for six months. So I'm going to try to wean off. And if it doesn't end up going well, I just get back on it. And I've done that. I think after brain, actually, I was on it until I was seven months postpartum. And then I was like, OK, I feel like I've been in a good spot for a while. I have a really good routine. After about two months, I was like, OK, I've got a routine, like I'm good. My baby's sleeping a little bit more. I have been going to the gym for a while. I have other things that I can do to mentally help me. The gym is one of them that really helps me mentally. I always say I work out so that my brain can feel good. And my body being fit is just like a plus.

I love that. No, totally.

So, yeah, I remember trying to get off. And when you're on, I mean, I guess it depends on the medication that you're on. And my doctor knew I was, I wanted to get off. It's like a two-week process. You have to kind of get off of it very slowly because it's dealing with your hormones, you know? So I tried getting off, didn't go very well, so I got right back off. And it was fine, and it was fine. And I was on for another five months. And then at that point, I weaned again, and it was fine. But yeah, I just like I'm a huge advocate for helping yourself, especially during that first year. That first year is hard. So why not make it a little bit easier on your brain?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you for being an advocate for that. I feel like it's so powerful to hear it from a mom. And like you said, like, you don't even really like being on medication either, like in general, like taking meds or anything. But I hate it. I was like, I've been on medication for anxiety before. And like I had a psychiatrist tell me like, Emily, that what you're experiencing mentally is like the physical equivalent of like if you broke both your legs and you were trying not to put it in a cast. He's like, you wouldn't feel shame for getting a cast, would you? Like, don't feel shame. Like, you don't need to feel shame for taking medicine because your body literally just it needs help with its chemicals right now. Like, there's nothing.

Right.

Like, there's just the way that like someone with type, like with diabetes can't make insulin. Your body can't make this hormone that it needs right now. And so, like, there's no need for shame. Like, it's not going to do anything. And obviously, like, you know, right, better said, like easier said than done. But it's right. I'm glad that we can have conversations and especially like moms can have these conversations with other women of like, yes, this is a part of it for a lot of people. This is a component, and there's no, there's nothing other than just love and concern for you and love for you. And so like, we want to hope, you know, like, let's get you.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. And I also like, on top of that, it still is important to do the things that make you happy on top of the medications. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a huge believer in like, you can do things naturally. But I also think there's a reason why there's medication and why that was invented. So if my natural way is not working, there's another way that can help. And it's okay to do both. It's okay to do both.

Totally. No, I appreciate you added that too, right? Of like, it's not a replacement for these things that will help you, but also there's a time and a place, right? Like, there's a time and a place where it's just not inside you, right? Like, it's just not within your capacity to affect the way that it needs to be affected. So that's when you turn to outside support.

Yeah. And I mean, it took me, my baby was one, she was one, until before I got off. And I felt better. But I know you're considered postpartum for two years after you have your babies. So it's not abnormal for you to still be feeling kind of ad-whack after two years, which, like, a lot of people get pregnant before the two years I have. I have all the times. So for me, it kind of makes sense that I'm still, I feel good, obviously, but it's not weird if you're not feeling 100% yourself. And even after two years, it's just like, that's just a marker that they've noticed. But I feel like postpartum can go beyond that, especially hormonally.

Totally. Well, we were talking before we started recording too, and we were talking like, our bodies have got a universe of stuff going on, right? Like you were sharing, like, your hair used to be curly, and now it's not curly anymore. And that's just like a physical manifestation of this giant change, right? And like, who knows what it will look like for each individual person, right? Like, that's kind of been what I've been feeling. Like, who knows what it feels like for me? But I'm grateful that I have friends that I can talk to openly about it, that I have a husband who, you know, we are very open about, like, okay, let's learn these signs of, like, of, you know, postpartum depression and whatever. And that's why, like, what you surround yourself with, not just people, but the environment that you're in is so crucial, too, because it's just, it's a wacky, crazy, amazing thing. Like, that's, like, the thesis statement of this whole podcast, is, like, this is psycho. And there's, like, we can never talk about it too much, because there's so much to it. There's so much with every, like you said earlier, too, like, every pregnancy is so unique. Every birth is so unique. Every postpartum is so unique. And so just being aware of that and just kind of, like, keeping a finger on the pulse.

Miscarriage

Yeah, I mean, I'm having four of the same gender, and I've had different experiences every time. There have been similarities, but I wasn't sick at all with Blair. I was so sick with Brynn. I was so sick. And then I got pregnant in July again, a little bit after Brynn turned one, and then I had a miscarriage. I was probably like five weeks, but that one was different. My tests never got very dark. I was sick starting at four weeks, which is it was at six weeks with Brynn, so I was like, okay, this is a little weird. And then I had a miscarriage, and then I got pregnant in October. I think I got a positive like end of October. 

3rd Pregnancy: Innocuous Calcium Deposit + 3rd Trimester Anxiety

Yeah, something like that. I was pretty sick, but I was only sick from six to ten weeks with Tate. So I wasn't sick, and I wasn't as sick with her. So even none, it's different. Again, less time than with Brynn, and not as sick. I had headaches again with Tate, but it was only like for two weeks this time. And then it was normal until my anatomy scan. And I had an anatomy scan, and I noticed a calcium deposit in her heart, which I had never, I literally had never heard of that before. So I was like, oh, what does that mean? Like, I have no idea. But that is a marker for Down syndrome. But it kind of has to, like, it's more likely for a baby to have Down syndrome if they have other things also. Like, her measurements weren't the measurements that a kid with Down syndrome has. So they didn't think she had it, but I got the NIPT testing just to confirm, and it went away. Like, I had a ultrasound at 28 weeks, and it was gone. So it just like, it was just something she had for a second, which is so crazy to me. Like, babies can have something, and then they can not have something a few weeks later. But it was nerve-wracking. And I feel like from that time, I've always had a little bit of anxiety, but I experienced another postpartum. Well, I wasn't postpartum yet, but I started experiencing really bad anxiety, like, from then on. And around 35 weeks is when it got pretty bad. We had gotten a bunk bed for my older two girls, and I was laying in the bunk bed, and my first thought was, this is going to fall on top of Brynn in the middle of the night and crush. Like, that's absolutely not true, you know what I mean? And in my head, I knew it wasn't true, but it was just, like, those thoughts that were popping up, which I had never really had before. And I knew my anxiety was pretty bad, like, from then on. And I told my doctor about it. We didn't want to start me on anxiety medication until after I had her. He said something about if I had taken it, she would have had to wean off of it. I don't really know the extent of that. So I decided to wait until, like, she came out and then I started it.

Yeah.

Because I just knew, like, with the postpartum rage, I was like, this happened three weeks after I had her, which we don't get an appointment until six weeks postpartum.

That's crazy.

Which I really feel like we should have, like, maybe one month.

Yeah, that's wild.

Or three weeks and then six weeks. Yeah, you don't have an appointment with your doctor until your six weeks postpartum.

I did not know that.

Which a midwife might be different, but for an OBGYN, like a regular OBGYN, they don't see you until your six weeks postpartum to just make sure everything's fine. But I really feel like we deserve a three week checkup and then maybe a six week checkup, you know, or something like that.

So much is happening.

Yeah. But I was due July 1st with Tate, and I had her June 18th. She came two weeks early by herself, so this was my first time I went into labor by myself. It was so weird because your baby, they don't move all day, every day. They, you'll like cue into when they move. She would move a lot in the morning. In the middle of the day, she'd kind of probably sleep, and then move a little bit. And then at night, she would move a lot. My anniversary is the 16th. So I noticed on the 16th, she was moving, but not quite as much as she was, which like my anxiety was flaring. So I was like, okay, high alert for that. And I decided if she still wasn't moving a lot, just for my peace of mind, I would go in the next morning, which was the 17th. She was moving a little bit. I could feel her every once in a while. I also had an anterior placenta. So it was in the front, which was so weird. I did not like that at all because I couldn't feel her until I was 22 weeks.

Interesting.

Which is so weird. It's so weird because I could feel my others around 16 weeks, like because my placenta was in the back. So with an anterior placenta, I always kind of felt like there was like a weird cushion. I was like, oh, maybe, you know, she is moving, but it's like kind of weird because of that. So I did like, they call it the hour test. You drink like juice and you lay down. And if they move 10 times within an hour, then you're usually good. She moved twice.

Oh my gosh.

And that instantly freaked me out. It was like 9 a.m. when I did that. And so I was like, I can't, even if she's fine in there, which she was, I just need to go, just to calm my anxiety, just to make sure. Because if anything happened, I would have kicked myself, you know, for anything. So I went into triage. I got there probably at 10:30 a.m., and they monitored her. They did an ultrasound. They checked my fluids. They checked like basically everything. I was also three centimeters dilated by this point. I was there until 3 p.m. Jeez. And they were just checking in. Yeah, they were checking everything. I hadn't really eaten that day. I hadn't really drinking water that day. So they ended up being like, your baby's okay. You have a little bit of extra fluid, so you might not feel some of her movements because of that, which they have this monitor when you're at the hospital. It goes around your belly, and it's like a Doppler. So they put it on there to just make sure her heart's beating, all that stuff. And it's so funny because you can hear them moving around on it. So times that I couldn't feel her, I could hear her. And also that kind of gave me anxiety because I'm like, well, if she's moving in there, and I don't know, I'm just going to be worried all the time. 

3rd Labor: Failed Epidural & Allergic Reactions

So they gave me two options. They said you can either come in every day until you have her and we can monitor her just to make sure or you can get induced today. And I said, I don't really want to get induced. I was hoping to do it naturally. I wanted to go unmedicated for Tate. I had taken classes. I had like, you know, online classes. I had done a lot of prep mentally to do unmedicated. But overall, I felt like my anxiety just kind of overtook me, and I was like, I'll just try unmedicated and like being induced. Because I was already a three. I was over 50% effaced. So I felt like if they had broken my water, then it would have been to induce me that way. Things would have rolled. It was also my third baby. I had brined so fast. So I kind of like thought about it for a second. And I decided, okay, yeah, I'm going to get induced just to ease my mind, because I already knew that I would just be thinking about it 24-7, like, is she okay in there? Is she all right? Is she going to move? You know what I mean? So I decided to get induced. They wheeled me up to a room at 4 p.m. and they hooked me up again to the monitor, except they gave me a Bluetooth one, which was kind of cool, because I wanted to move around and I wanted to do unmedicated. And when you're hooked up to the one that goes around your belly, you kind of have to sit and be not moving. So I actually was sitting down and just like on my phone telling TJ, because again, I did not pack my bag. For the second time, I was 38 weeks. The only reason why I packed my bag with Brynn was because I was induced at 39 weeks, and I did it the night before. I don't know what's wrong with me.

There's so much else going on. It's fine.

I know. I was just so busy. But this time, I will have a bag, because my husband, I love him so much, but he did not get the things that I needed. I was like, you got me four shirts and one pair of pants. Okay, we're good. Yeah, it's fine. We're good. I love you so much. We're good. Bless his heart. I mean, he was worried. I understand why. You know what I mean? But I get up there and they hook me up in there and she was like, can you feel that? And I was like, am I having contraction? Like as a joke? And she was like, no, you actually are. And I was like, oh, okay, good. So are you going to induce me? And she's like, well, if you keep having contractions, I'm not going to induce you. And I was like, okay. And I later found out that when babies don't move as much, it could mean you're going into labor, which was interesting. So I started having contractions, and I started going into labor. I would have done a few things differently, which I'm going to do a few things differently this time. I was around six, and I hadn't felt any pain. I was feeling contractions, but no pain really. And they were like, well, what if we break your water, and then maybe things will speed up? So they broke my water, and they also asked if they could put me on a little bit of Pitocin. They put me on like the lowest dose. Let me tell you, a water broken, no cushion, and Pitocin is terrible. It is horrible. Because Pitocin is like fake labor, fake contractions, right? So my body was already doing it. I also had not eaten all day. I was very tired. I had not as much nutrients in my body and water, so I feel like that also played into it. I got to an almost a nine, and I was like, please just give me an epidural. Please just get like, I don't think I can do this anymore. It was probably 1 a.m., which was also hard, because it was really late. And so he came in, he gave me an epidural, and it didn't work.

What? No!

It made my legs numb, but everything else I could feel, which was honestly worse, because I couldn't move anymore.I felt trapped. So I kind of started to panic a little bit, which I don't feel panicky very often, but I literally felt trapped. I literally couldn't move my legs, but everything else, I could feel it in my belly, I could feel it in my back, I could feel it in my crotch, like literally everything. So I had her at 3:20 a.m. They also gave me extra medication in my epidural to try to make it work. So they gave me more painkillers, because the anesthesiologist was like, I don't know why it's not working. And I was like, okay, well, it's not. So can we do something about it?

I don't want to know why. I just want to not feel this. Yeah. Yeah.

I just want to like not feel in pain. And so can you please help me? So I ended up having her. I felt everything with numb legs, which was not ideal, not ideal. But that's just the way it happened. So this time I know what a painful contraction feels like. I know, you know, I know more. I know, I don't ever like to be like, I wish I could change the past, but there are things I'm going to do differently this time. One of them, not break my water. Because I was a six and I wasn't feeling anything. Like, I was feeling the contractions, but they weren't so painful yet. And I feel like if I still had my water intact, or if it had broken naturally, it would have been a little bit of a different story. But I had her, I didn't tear very bad. With Bryn and with Tate, I only had a first degree. I only had to get like two stitches. It was nothing. It was like not bad at all. But then two hours after I had her, I had an allergic reaction to one of the medications that they put in my epidural.

3rd Postpartum: Postpartum Anxiety, Medication + Therapy 

Oh no.

And yeah, the medication is called Dilaudid. So basically, I felt like I was going to faint. I felt like I was dizzy. I felt like I was going to throw up all the time. I was like dry heaving. I could not stand up. I was very disoriented. And my baby was two hours old. Like I couldn't even hold her because I felt like I was going to fall over. So I remember them trying to move me to the post-partum room. And I literally was on the edge of my bed. And I was like, I can't even get into the chair. Like I can't even get into the wheelchair for you to take me because I feel so bad. They tried giving me, oh my gosh, I can't remember what it's called. They gave me some type of nausea medication and it didn't work, but they couldn't give me extra stuff because they had already given me the max of that nausea medication. And then around 1 p.m. the next day, I felt better.

Oh my gosh. So 12 hours of just like, you couldn't even hold her. Oh my gosh.

No, and she needed to eat, so like I would hold her then, but even then I was like, somebody had to help me hold her because I just was so out of it. And I did end up throwing up, like I couldn't, my body wanted to, but I hadn't eaten anything. So they gave me juice to maybe see if it would help, and it didn't, and I ended up throwing up that. Luckily, it stopped because I was like, I can't, this is the worst. I'm not pregnant anymore. I should not be feeling this. But then it was lovely. After I stopped feeling sick, I felt itchy everywhere. My whole entire body, for three days, I was itchy. That was bad too. That was pretty bad. But at least I could hold my baby, and I could feed her, and I could actually look at her, and be like, oh my gosh, I love you so much. Also, my kids could come to the hospital, which was really fun.

Oh, so sweet.

I don't know why I loved when people came to visit me in the hospital. I thought it was so fun when people came, and when my girls came, they were so excited. They wanted to hold her, and they wanted to love on her, and she was also pretty chill. So she just let them hold her, and they sometimes were soft, sometimes they were not.

You're like, okay.

But yeah, I was like, okay, you got to hold her head. You got to. But Brynn was like, too, you know, and she was just like, baby, baby. Wanted to kiss her all over. And my brother came to visit, and some other family members, and it was fun. And then I had to stay a little bit longer because of my reaction to the medication. They wanted to make sure I was fine. So I think I ended up staying there for two days, not including my labor. But that was kind of wild. Like I had the first time I tried unmedicated, and the first time my epidural didn't work, which I don't know if it's because I got it so late. You know what I mean? Like I was a nine. I was a nine when I got it. And in the past, I had been like a four when I had gotten my epidural. But yeah, I stayed there, and then I finally got to go home, and then Three Kids was wild. It didn't feel harder to me. It's just loud. Like the volume got raised for whatever reason. Because I had a baby. It's not like she was like running around, like being loud. You know what I mean? But I am grateful that I got on medication pretty quickly after I had her, because I still felt anxiety. And it was to the level that I was talking about earlier.

Wow. Yeah.

But I feel like the medication and therapy again helped a lot. So it's been interesting. I've had postpartum depression, postpartum rage, and postpartum anxiety. I don't know how many more there are. I've had a lot.

I guess I'll find out. I'm going to collect them.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I've experienced a lot. And I checked the anxiety meds actually until June of this year. And then I got off of it, and they gave me one. They gave me an anxiety med that I could take as needed, which was kind of nice, because again, I don't like taking medication. Number one, I forget a lot to take it, and that's not good. That's really not good, which I was pretty good about taking it when I needed to, but I really had to remind myself to take it. So the as needed one was really nice. But one of the things with the as needed one is they don't want you to take it like if you're pregnant. So I remember we were going to Washington, and for the second time, we went two times this summer, and I was having anxiety with flying, with all that. And in the back of my head, I was like, you should take a pregnancy test, which I was like, okay, whatever. And I took it, it was positive. And I was like, okay, was not trying, absolutely not trying. I mean, not preventing either. But yeah, it was positive. It was like June 25th that I got a positive or something like that, which was wild. It was like not expected. So nice this time that I didn't have to try. I didn't have to go through the mental of wanting to be pregnant, which I've never gotten on birth control since I've started having kids. So I knew it was a potential, and I'm fine with that. I feel like you kind of have to be fine with it if you go that route. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

And I actually had stopped nursing Tate at 10 and a half months, which is the earliest that I've ever stopped. Brynn and Blair, I went to 14 months.

Wow.

But I stopped with Tate at 10 and a half. I really didn't want to, but she got four teeth at once at the same time. And it was awful. It was so awful. I was reading about some stuff, and it said that sometimes when babies get two or more teeth at once, they kind of have to relearn how to suck. So I think that's what happened. When she got those teeth, I felt like I had... This is my first baby, and I was just starting nursing, because it hurts. It hurts really bad at first. And you kind of have to learn how to nurse. And she also has a lip and tongue tie. So she's kind of had a harder time nursing in general, and then getting all those teeth at once, it was just like I was getting grinded on, like her teeth, all the time and not be like she wasn't really biting me. She wasn't meaning to, but it just hurt all the time. And I was trying to take care of all my kids, and I moved here. I was six weeks postpartum when I moved here with Tate.

Oh my gosh.

Which was literally awful.

That's crazy.

So I feel like I just had a rough year in general, and I didn't want to stop, but for my mental health again, I felt like I should. So I pumped for a few weeks and I fed her a bottle, and she still was getting breast milk, but I pumped, and then I actually put her on goat formula for a month.

Love it.

Which I did that because I read that it digest a little bit like breast milk.

Oh, cool.

It digests a little bit easier than cow's milk. So yeah, home girl got breast milk, pumped for a little bit, and goat milk for like a month. And then it was fine. But I've never gotten pregnant this early, because I've never stopped nursing this early. So they’ll be 21 months apart.

Oh my gosh.

4th Pregnancy: Just the Beginning!

Which will be fun. It'll be a little wild. I've never had this early of a gap. But yeah, I'm just preparing. I was pretty sick this time, like with Brynn, and it lasted until I was like 14 weeks. So that kind of sucked. But yeah, with three kids, that was a little rough. But it's okay. We all survived it.

We're all good. Yeah.

But yeah, those are kind of like my labor stories. We'll see. I'm going to try to do unmedicated again this time. I know a little bit more how my body, how it feels, how everything. And also I'm a little scared to get an epidural again, because I feel like I don't want numb legs again.

Yeah. Well, and then to have that allergic reaction, all this stuff.

Yeah. So we'll see. We'll see what happens.

Well, we might have to have you on for a part two. Yes. In a couple months. And yeah. Well, thank you so much for sharing your stories with us today. They were just so cool to see like they all built off of one another. And I also just so appreciate like that you shared specifically, like how each individual postpartum experience felt. Because like you said, like you had depression and then rage and anxiety, and they're different, different sides of the same beast. And so I'm grateful that you shared that with us today. But thank you so much for being on today. It was so great.

Thanks for having me.

Of course. I'm so excited to hear how this next experience goes. Hopefully, it's just on the up and up and add another cute girl to your crew.

I know, I know. I'm excited for you. Literally, being a mom is the best. There's obviously, you know, things that happen. There's hard things. But in general, I always am like, how did I, what was I doing before you? What was I doing before you were in my life? Obviously, it kind of like was nothing because this is amazing. And this is the best. So I'm excited for you. Kids are amazing.

Thank you so much. I'm honestly so excited. It's kind of like I've been feeling a little bit of that, of like, yeah, what else, what other more important thing could I be doing right now? What other sweet, amazing thing could be happening or coming towards me? So I know, you know, it's going to be a lot, but I'm really excited. So thank you.

I feel like the pros really outweigh the cons. I feel like in every situation, there's going to be that, you know, there's going to be something hard. But with motherhood, it's more rewarding than anything, than any bad thing that comes like your way. So yeah, I'm excited for you. I'm here for you if you need anything.

Thank you, sweet friend. I appreciate that so much. Right back at you. All right, y'all, a huge thanks to Malloree for being on the podcast today. Can you tell that we had so much fun together? And like I mentioned up at the top, I just totally forgot to ask her what she would tell her pre-mom self. But I did get it after the fact, and she said, I'd tell myself to trust my instincts, to take opinions with a grain of salt, and to prioritize self-care with two exclamation points. And I love that so much. I especially feel like that reminder to trust your instincts and to take everything with a grain of salt is so important, especially as we have access to endless opinions, endless perspectives, endless examples online. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I say it every week, and maybe it's just because it's on my mind so much. But we just, we have this double-edged sword where we have all of this amazing access to different information at the click of a button. But it also can feel so overwhelming. I know I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed. Like on any topic, you'll see a video or see a post or whatever. And someone had a wonderful personal experience that they're trying to share with you. And in the comments, like no one can agree on anything. And it's like, ah, wait, what? This was feeling good. And then all of a sudden, now I don't know how to feel. Or like, you know, pelvic floor exercise is what to do there, and blah, blah, blah. And you know, for one, that's what I get for going to social media for advice. But also, you know, there's things to be gained. But I loved the reminder that at the end of the day, it is so important to stay connected to you and to what you truly feel deep down inside. And that at the end of the day, it's you and your baby and y'all's experience that matters most. 

And then, again, just going off of what Malloree shared, I don't think it could ever be said enough that moms need self-care too, okay? I am so grateful that as a culture at large, we're finally learning that it's impossible to pour from an empty cup. And I'm grateful that that mindset change is applying to motherhood more and more. I'm also aware that it's so much easier said than done to say, like, prioritize yourself care. And then you have all these sweet little teeny people that are looking to you for their every need. And it's not always easy, but I'm grateful that we can look out for each other and that we can keep reminding ourselves and each other that it's okay, it's okay if you need a minute. And even just like hearing that, kind of giving yourself that permission and hearing that from other people is so powerful. And like Malloree said, it's sometimes as simple as just like talking about your feelings out loud and talking through whatever thought is in your mind with the people who love you. That is a form of self care. And I feel like that's a great note for us to end on today. 

As always, I invite y'all to check in on your mom friends. Malloree's story is yet another example that even if your mom friend had one experience with one child, it does not mean she is having that same experience with subsequent kids. So truly we can never ever show each other enough love and care and concern. And you know, just like how self care doesn't have to be anything crazy, caring for each other doesn't have to be this big elaborate thing. Even just a simple text, I love a good meme sent to me on Instagram. That is a love language for me for sure. Or even just something fun and laid back like a game night can help us feel less alone. So thank you for showing up for each other. Thank you for showing up to this podcast week after week and sharing these episodes with your friends. Seriously, nothing means more to me than hearing about how an episode impacted you. And in fact, on my Instagram stories, I'm going to start sharing those texts that I get just because nothing makes my heart happier and makes me feel more connected to y'all. And don't we all need more heart happy moments of connection to celebrate together? So truly, thank you for being here. Thank you for showing up. And thank you to Malloree for being on the episode today. All right, that is enough for me for today. Will I see you same time next week? 

K, love you, bye!