Successful IUI + Positive Pregnancy | Annika’s Birth Story

Meet Annika

Like, you know you're not being tortured, but it's also like, wow, this is really like not the most, I mean, you're kind of splayed open. The best way I told my husband, I'm like, it's like when you dissect a frog in science class, like that's kind of how I felt.

Hey y'all, welcome back to The Labor Line, a non-mom's authentic look into the birth experiences of her mom friends. I'm your host, Emily, and today, I'm joined by my friend, Annika, who I grew up with in San Antonio. She and I actually went to the same school and church, so we saw a ton of each other. She's just a few grades ahead of me, and she and her friends set such a fun precedent for all of us to follow. They still get together to this day, and they are just the best girls. They are so sweet and so fun and so supportive of each other. And so truly, you know, I keep talking about like, I was kind of always looking up to these other girly girl groups, and I would say that hers was definitely one that I wanted to emulate someday. And so I'm so grateful to count her as a friend. She was and is still to this day, an incredibly kind and positive light for me to have in my life. We ended up going to the same college a few years apart as well. When I was a freshman, I was actually a student athlete, and she worked in our nutrition center at the student athlete building. I will tell you, those first months of adjusting to college, plus adjusting to being a student athlete were tough. So it was so comforting when I would see her there, even just for a few minutes because she was from home. And like I keep saying, she's just such a sweet, supportive person. Not long after that, Annika started facing some chronic health challenges. But did that dull her light even for a minute? Heck no. And as you'll see in our conversation today, she is an incredibly resilient person as well. She uses her experiences, both the good and the not so good, to uplift and connect with others. These days, Annika is a registered diet tech with a podcast of her very own called 30 Minute Nutrition. She has 40 episodes with great information and easy to understand tips. She also has an Instagram @anniweeksnutrition where she started this super cute mama and me meal series where she shows how she's nourishing herself and her sweet baby boy. So definitely go check those out. Links will be in the show notes and on my Instagram. As she'll share, her road to momhood was a winding one. Today, she shares her IUI journey, her positive pregnancy experience, an induction, an epidural, 30 hours of labor, my goodness, and the emotional decision to pivot to a C-section. She also talks about utilizing accelerated resolution therapy or ART to process her birth experience. I'm so grateful that she's here today to share her perspective. So let's get straight to the good stuff and jump right into her story.

Welcome to the podcast, Annika. Tell us a bit about yourself and what you and your sweet family have been up to.

Annika + Calvin

Thank you so much. I was just telling Em I'm so excited to be here and so flattered that she asked me to share my story. But yes, we just have a little family. It's just me and my husband. We live in Santa Quinn, Utah, which is just this teeny little town. But I've been a, it's kind of a long name, but it's a nutrition and dietetics technician registered. But I just call it a registered diet tech for sure. I've been doing that for about five years and just taking a career break to raise my son. And honestly, I have to say, I know people say this all the time and it's such a cliche, but that's really been my favorite job. Just to see his face light up every day. Just like any job, there's other challenges, but it's really been such a sweet experience and honestly such a privilege, I feel like in this day and age to be a stay at home mom for a bit and really focus on that because it's, you know, cost of living is high. All those things are high. So I just try to remember every day that it is really a privilege to be a stay at home mom right now. But yes, anything else you want to know about me, I always draw a blank when people ask me, you know, tell me about yourself.

No, you're great. You're great. No, I think a lot of the moms I've talked to, they're like, honestly, I'm being a mom. It's like, honestly, that is like the all-encompassing, amazing thing. And I love that perspective and reminder. Like, yeah, no, it's it is a privilege to be a mom in general and then to just be able to focus on that and just the like presence and being present with your with your sweet son. It is absolutely worthwhile, the most worthwhile endeavor. Yes.

Thank you so much. I feel like it is that's almost today's battle. You know, it's just like being present, even with, you know, not even with babies, but just with the people around you. It's hard. I think actually something your dad said. I remember from growing up, he always said, like, be where you are when you're there. I think is the phrase like just kind of be present wherever you are. That's always stuck with me of just, you know, wherever you're at, be fully there, be fully aware. And I think it's so easy today to get distracted. And so just what what simple sage advice, you know, like to just help us return to ourselves and the people around us.

No, I'm just reaching because on my bulletin board, I have wherever you are, be all there. And, you know, he's like, I didn't come up with that. But it's like, I think even growing up, I was like, OK, sure, whatever. But in the years, honestly, since COVID and everything, I'm like, yes, so chronically online all the time. I'm like, OK, touch grass, take the air pod out, like the sun, you know? Exactly.

I know. I feel the same way. It's like it's so tricky in our day and age to do that. But then this, you know, five minutes outside, and it's like, I'm totally recharged. We're good to go. So I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Exactly. No, it's it is a struggle, sadly, but I'm glad even just having conversations like this. It's such a grounding thing of like, OK, yeah, no. I feel like if we just talk to people about their lives and their experiences instead of just gleaning what we can from social media, I feel like it makes me feel so much more seen, so much more connected and the world feels less black and white.

Those conversations are especially in motherhood are so important because I feel like the more I connect and talk with people and have conversations, it's like, OK, wait, I'm not alone. This is totally normal. Like, no one's really lost the baby weight, you know, like all those things. It's like, cool. Like, I feel so much more normal than like the fitness influencer I'm seeing online, which is important, too, you know, but it's hard to, you know, when you're trying to compare yourself to that. I feel that just having those conversations is so important.

Pregnancy: Positive Pregnancy After An IUI Fertility Journey

Totally. Well, on that note, I would love to just jump right in. I'd love to know what your journey was to becoming pregnant.

Oh, how much time do you have? It's a long one. I always love sharing it because, yes, we were, and I know I was talking to Em about this before, but we had a really long journey to getting pregnant longer than we thought. I have a bunch of chronic health issues, but none of them were linked to like the female reproductive system. It was just kind of random, kind of like autoimmune things. And so I had even had so many ultrasounds, so many tests prior to even getting married or getting pregnant. And no one could tell me I was going to have trouble. Everyone said, it looks great, you know, everything looks fine. And we just, yeah, we had a long road where apparently now the statistic, I think, growing up was like one in eight couples experience infertility. And by the time we were trying, it was closer to like one in five or one in six, which is it's crazy, right? Somebody you know, like it's a sister, a sister-in-law, a friend, you know, someone in your social circle. So we, of course, like everyone never thought that would happen to us. We were a little bit older. I know in Utah, like the culture is like everyone's pretty much married by like 22, 23. We were 25 when we got married, so we felt ancient, but we were trying to have kids around 26 and 27. And that felt like so old to us, like everyone we knew by then had at least like two kids was maybe trying for their third. And so it ended up taking us about two years to get pregnant. And the whole hard part about infertility is no one really like calls it infertility until you've been trying for a year. And so you might be experiencing infertility for a full year and feeling those struggles and that heartbreak before you can even really call it that. And of course, like the health care system is so hard too, because like the, you know, we were paying like hundreds of dollars out of pocket to go to these appointments to try to figure out what was wrong, but they couldn't bill us as somebody who was like pregnant or kind of have the insurance coverage that someone who was carrying a child could just because we weren't yet. And so and I'm so grateful, you know, those protective things are built in for pregnant moms. But during that whole experience, I was like, what? You know, what? Where's the help for us? Well, that was all happening. So there were so many nuances of that experience that I think gave us a lot of perspective by the time, like you said, just being present with my child now. It's like I've been dreaming of these moments for like years and years and years. And so we took a really long time. There's people, I think, that have taken so much longer than us to get pregnant. From start to finish, I think it took us about, it took me about six months to figure out something was wrong with my hormones. And then about two years after that of trying going to the fertility clinic and getting some assistance there, we ended up doing three IUI cycles. 

So what IUI is, it's intrauterine insemination. And so it's kind of what I call like the step before IVF. IVF is the big one that everyone talks about with all the injections, such an intense road. We actually had a consult scheduled if our cycle had failed, and that would have been our next step. And so we were incredibly blessed by some miracle to get pregnant with Calvin on our third IUI cycle and literally on the way home, I had stopped taking pregnancy tests at that point because it was just so depressing, like after getting negative after negative. And on the way home from getting pregnancy tested at the clinic, they do like a blood test, so you kind of have to wait for the results. And as we're driving home, I'm like, how are we going to tell our family we're doing IVF? Like I'm spiraling totally thinking like this failed, it had a 20% chance of working even if everything went right. And so our little miracle baby really is just like our miracle child. He's the light of our lives. And it just took so long to get him. And I just it's given me such a different perspective. I think, you know, a nine month pregnancy is hard too. So it's like, even if you get pregnant right away, there's just things about getting pregnant and being pregnant that are difficult. And so I'm in the end, I'm glad I had that experience, not for all the hard parts, but for the perspective, I feel like it's given me now. So I hope that answered your question. I know that was a long winded way to say, to share the experience. So.

No, that was so insightful. And I relate to what you're saying. I'm 27 now, and in our culture, it's like, you're 27, don't have kids yet. But anyways, as someone who wants to have kids, I really do appreciate getting so many perspectives because I didn't even know until you just said that, like, insurance treats pursuant pregnant people differently than pregnant people. I just thought it was like, well, if you go to the OB or the gyno or whatever, like, it's all built the same. So that's super interesting. And again, raises awareness of like, no, there's like gaps that need to be filled. Like, we're grateful for the progress that we have, but absolutely, there's still need. And I'm so grateful for that perspective and that added information. I really had no idea.

Thank you. You're so sweet. It was a tricky time. We found out during that period that I had, like, I had a mild case of PCOS, which apparently was really hard to catch. And so I think, too, just those, you know, all those things that can affect women because of how complicated the reproductive system is, like, I feel like reproductive health is so important. Like I said, even if you're pregnancy doesn't have any problems. Even if you get pregnant quickly, I think most couples get pregnant within, like, three to six months usually, and then certainly within a year. And then that's why they say, like, you know, if you haven't by a year, go to see a doctor and things, or maybe depend on your age, it'll be different. But yeah, there's so many. I don't know if you felt this way about growing up. It was just like, OK, like, we want to have a baby. We'll get pregnant. You know, like, it just seemed so quick. And, you know, I think, too, like, we were always warned, like, oh, you might get pregnant if you're doing stuff you're, you know, not supposed to. So like, there was such a different, like, it was so black and white about the experiences. And I think it's another thing as you go older, that's just like, oh, there's a lot of gray area. Like, you know, I think it was interesting, too. Like, you know, adoption enters the conversation. Like, there's so many nuances and people's different experiences. And I think instead of one path, there's just a lot of different paths that people can take. I know, like, for us, we kind of felt when we went into all the infertility stuff that, like, OK, here's the next step and here's the next step. But some people skip steps and, you know, just go straight to IVF or do whatever feels right for them. And some doctors are more aggressive than others. And so there's just a whole spectrum of experiences that I didn't even know about prior, you know, in that whole preconception period that just blew my mind, honestly, once we got into all the infertility stuff. So it's such an interesting part of the conversation. I'm so glad you're willing to let me share kind of a little bit of what we went through, because I feel like it really is just such an important topic to discuss for those people that are having trouble, that are the one in five or one in six that are really struggling. And I know when we were going through that, it was like, I just want to talk to someone in person who's going through what we're going through, because that would shed so much light on what's happening. So hopefully anyone who's listening is going through that. Maybe you can feel like you're at least not alone at the very least, you know, just know that there's someone who's gone through it and is thinking through, you know, living month to month as you're taking pregnancy tests and doing all that. It's a hard time, but I feel like it brought such a beautiful, it really did bring such a beautiful perspective into our lives. You know, at the midnight diaper changes and the crying and all that in the middle of the night, it was like, nope, this is what we dreamed of, you know? We used to have nights where we hoped we'd be woken up by a baby crying, because that means we had a baby. So it's a special, it's like a very special, sacred experience. I think like childbirth, like it can be traumatic, but it's also, I look back at that time and just think of all the little miracles that happened along the way. So it's a special time, definitely.

Yeah, no, I have chills from what you're sharing, just like for you to reflect and say, there were times that we dreamed of this. And so like, even if the dream is hard, which, I mean, is such an understatement of motherhood, but even if it's hard just to be able to take that attitude of gratitude, Oh, I love it. I love transfer that to your parenting experiences. Just like I mentioned in the beginning, such a sweet, resilient perspective. And so I'm grateful for that, and grateful that we are, as just a community, as a society, are talking more about this because it is so common. I think it was, statistically, it's become more common, but I think even in our parents' generation, people were still experiencing it, but just so much less information than we have now. And so it's because of people like you willing to share their experience that we are gaining progress. So again, thank you for sharing that experience.

Thank you so much. And I love your focus, too, as like a non-mom, you know, like, or maybe a not-yet-mom, you know, it's like, I love telling people who are like, OK, I'm interested in learning more about my hormones or whatever. Like, you can do that, you know, before you have kids. And I just think that's such a beautiful, it's such a special time that I don't know if we focused enough on it. And I think we kind of were forced into it, obviously, with our infertility. But like you said, like, you can become more present. You can you can make goals, you know, about the type of parent you want to be. I think my husband and I really appreciated, you know, we had two years to have conversations about what do we want to be present parents? How much screen time do we want our kids to like? We had so much time to have all those conversations. And so it was really a neat time to reflect. And yeah, I just think it's neat even if for people who aren't parents, like what a cool opportunity if you're taking the time to listen to this or other podcasts or, you know, read materials, like there's so much you can be doing if you have the goal of being a parent or maybe being a better friend to the people you know that are parents before that time comes. So I love that we're taking the time to have those discussions.

Absolutely, absolutely. Well, just a good reminder that it affects all of us, even if you choose not to have kids, even if you're whatever and whatever stage that is how we're all here. We were talking before we started recording of like, well, even if like you're the most like disconnected person from this time of life, which we're all in different phases, but we are all connected to it in some ways because we're all here. And so even if it makes you just a more appreciative child or whatever, it is a worthwhile thing to talk about. So thank you. Well, so how did you feel when you found out that you were pregnant, when you got that positive pregnancy test? How was that?

Yeah. So I think the art and fertility experience really informs that whole finding out period of time because we found out in kind of an unconventional way. Like I said, I had taken so many pregnancy tests for two years. Especially the PCOS, there's times, I won't go too much into detail about that, but it's like your cycles can be way off. So there would be times when like my period was late and I thought I was pregnant, but I was, I'd be taking like more than average pregnancy tests just to make sure like the medicines were working. So anyway, like I said, we didn't find out in the typical way. Our story is kind of funny because we got back from the clinic, they ran the test for us. And so we were just, you kind of wait for them to call. Of course, I thought it was negative because we'd had that experience before. I could still tell you to this day, like the dates we found out we weren't pregnant because they just stuck out in my head after, you know, a whole month of doing like trigger shots and all those things. And so we were at home and I got a call and I legitimately thought, it was from the clinic and I thought I had like left my wallet there. Like it didn't even cross my mind that I was pregnant. I just literally thought like they're calling back way quicker than they normally do. This is super weird. Like I probably forgot something there. I probably forgot to pay, you know, the bill or something. And so I answered the phone and I didn't even put it on speaker because I was like, for sure, like it's just going to be some nonchalant thing. They kind of have a script, I think. I don't know that they actually have a script, but I believe they use kind of the same wording. You know, they'll say, hi, this is the clinic. Is this a good time? And so they kind of started it the way they had started the other calls. And so I thought, OK, like, for sure, they're telling me I'm not pregnant again. And I was kind of like getting anxious about it. I mean, either way, you're anxious, right? If it's positive, it's negative. You're kind of feeling a similar mix of emotions then. But yeah, I didn't put it on speaker, so my husband couldn't hear. But she said, congratulations, you're pregnant. And my guess is that they had called back sooner because it was good news. I imagine calling and giving bad news is, you know, it's sad. You have to like cancel certain things and schedule other appointments that aren't as fun. And so I, of course, you know, my face kind of, I'm in shock, honestly. Like, I think that was the main emotion that I felt because I just was not, I was hoping for that, but not expecting it. And so I was in shock. I didn't even realize my husband was like kind of judging the whole situation based off of my reactions. And so I think I felt a little bit anxious at first. We were overjoyed, really. It was like, I still remember we were sitting on our couch and like, oh, I get chills. I might even cry just talking about it. But we were like, just so happy. Like, you know, after that whole experience of two, you know, two plus years of trying and trying to get my hormones right and everything, it was like, wow, this is happening. And there's, I think we felt just such joy knowing that, like, I could get pregnant because honestly, like, unfortunately, part of infertility is like, you have to consider the possibility of maybe there's not a baby, maybe you can't get pregnant. Like, there's kind of all these worst case scenarios that you, you don't have to go through them. But I think we did just kind of to see, okay, what was our life going to look like if this doesn't pan out? You know, so we were just elated. And I think we felt so happy that, like, as of that moment, we were parents. Like, no matter what happened after that, if it, you know, if it ended in a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage or these things that can happen that are so tragic and hard, we just knew, like, okay, as of this moment, we're parents. Like, we felt like we kind of got to step into that new role for a minute. 

And I think I felt a lot of comfort, too, just working with the clinic. We worked with an awesome clinic here in Utah, and they, they do, like, three different ultrasounds that first trimester. And usually you just get one if you're kind of going, the normal router can get pregnant pretty easily. And so we got to hear, like, our baby's heartbeat a little bit sooner and have, we kind of knew all those experiences were coming. And so I think mostly it was just joy. Like, we were so thrilled. But I think as with any pregnancy, like, I was a little anxious. I was aware of, like, the miscarriage risk and everything, too. And just with infertility, it kind of puts you on edge a little bit. So it's a whole mixed bag of emotions. I feel like in my opinion and after my experience, like, any emotion you feel like is a valid emotion. You know, I think some people get pregnant and they're not expecting to get pregnant. And there's just so many different scenarios. And so when I, like you, probably love hearing people's stories of how they felt and kind of how things panned out, because it's so interesting that moment, really. Like, I will never forget. I can vividly play that in my head. You know, it's like an experience I'll never forget was finding out that I was pregnant. And even though it was an unconventional way, it was such a sweet moment for us to hear the news. And so the follow up to that, I guess, is the next day my husband, because he I finally when I put the phone on speaker, it was like they were reviewing my medications. Like it wasn't even anything interesting. I gave him the experience the next day. I did do the whole like peonies stick like pregnancy test. And I gave him the pregnancy test. So he was the first person to see it turn to stay pregnant, which was such a cool after having, you know, I think if I only took one a month, it would still be like 24 negative pregnancy test. So having, you know, finally having one that was like, oh, we finally had, I think we kept it in our drawer for like forever until it like, I think the digital ones like died a certain point. But we were just like so thrilled. We would pull it out and look at it and smile. And it was just such a neat thing to finally see that, you know, the word pregnant or the lines pop up. You know, we test every once in a while just to make sure if the hormones were still doing good. But it was such a neat moment and one that I'll never forget that.

That is so tender. I mean, I seriously like, as you were saying, I might cry. Like, I felt emotional. I think just the like tender feelings of that. So how was pregnancy for you like physically and mentally after that two-year lead up? How was that for you?

All the things. Yes, it was. I honestly, and this might be a unique experience, so I just want to preface it with that. But I loved pregnancy. I felt like I had a really mild first trimester, which is kind of the one everyone talks about. They'll tell you, you know, I was sick all the time, right? Just felt gross. And to an extent, that was true. I really did just experience the textbook pregnancy symptoms, which was so funny to me after our whole struggle to get pregnant that took so long. It was like, really, like, I'm just gonna have like a, I was so grateful for it, but I was like, wow, this is just a totally normal textbook pregnancy. So I was pretty queasy the first trimester, and of course had those anxieties of just wanting to check up on the baby and wanting to make sure everything was OK. But yeah, a lot of it was just so that first trimester, I'm kind of like I'm not a blabbermouth, but I do like I'm a pretty open book. Like I like sharing with people. So that was tough for me. The first trimester, we really like wanted to wait to tell people. I think our immediate family, we told around like 10 weeks, but around 12 or 13 was when we really started sharing, just because we were worried about anything bad happening. And so, but I think anytime people want to share is super valid, you know, whatever works for you. It's if you're really sick, it's super hard to hide those symptoms. So I respect how anyone wants to deal with it. And I think with subsequent children too, I've heard, it's just like, it's just kind of a fact of life. You know, it's like, cool, we're pregnant again or whatever. You know, it's just kind of a part of your experience. So for us, that was just kind of how we chose to deal with it. And the second trimester was really good too. I'm trying to think of anything specific. I didn't really have, I couldn't eat chicken for like half my pregnancy. Don't know what that was about. But for some reason, that was my one aversion. I remember like crying at Chick-fil-A around like, I think it was like 24 weeks because I loved Chick-fil-A and I was finally able to eat there again and so happy about it. 

But I just, yeah, I was really focused on, I definitely know the nutrition side of things, just with my line of work. It was like I wanted to make sure I was eating well and eating enough. And that was something I definitely did in the first trimester. I ate like every two hours, even though I did not, nothing tasted good. I didn't feel like eating, but that helped me kind of feel good and keep my energy up. I was more tired, I think, than I've ever been in my first trimester. But once you hit that second one, I really feel like it is that like, it's that honeymoon period of like, you're starting to show a little bit and you feel like you can share with people and wear the cute maternity clothes, like things kind of even out there, and you're not like so big that you're running into like the doors, and you know, like you don't feel huge yet. And so it's a really special time. I feel like you still have plenty of time to prepare. You usually figure out if it's a boy or girl, then like there's just a lot of really cool things that happen in that second trimester. And then I was warned that like the third would be really rough. But I actually like the third trimester a lot, too, because it was just you. I really do feel like I went into like a nesting mode of like, okay, like I want our home clean. Like it was very grounding. Like I just wanted to be home and make sure our home was really like a safe place for the baby to come. And so I will say the last six weeks was pretty tough. I think the baby was just getting big enough that it was like, you know, it felt like more like elbows and you know, my side and my ribs. And then it was like, oh, these cute little flutters. Like it definitely felt more like movement was happening. And so I don't know that I was prepared for that. Like I think it's a common experience. I just hadn't heard or maybe asked people how those conversations were like, I was asking what it would be like that for a long, but I was kind of shocked. 

My mom had me at when I was six weeks early. So I think she had me around. I'm like, I'm trying to do math on the spot, but I think that's like 34 weeks. And so once I hit that point, that was such a weird realization to me that like, I was already out at that point and I still had like six weeks to go with my own child. So, and I was like, wow, that's so crazy that that happened to my mom, but I was grateful she had a C-section, which I'm sure will get into labor and delivery in a minute. But yeah, I ended up having a C-section as well. So it was reflecting on my mom's experience. I was really grateful she had the experience she did because it prepared me the whole time. I was like ready with my hospital bag six weeks before, because I was like, I cannot be unprepared because that happened to my mom, you know? Like, you just never plan on that kind of thing happening. And so anyway, it gave me a lot of good, a lot of good time to prepare. And I, because I'm like an independent contractor, so I was able to take the six weeks off before. And that was such a special time too, because like I said, I was just preparing our home and kind of preparing mentally, like you touched on just my mental health during the whole thing. I was really, luckily, I had some friends who had had some really tough experiences, like kind of the prenatal anxiety end of it, of having those things kind of beyond the norm of just being anxious and, you know, having waves of depression and things as your hormones are changing. And luckily, I didn't experience any of that, but I was really checking in with myself. It was the time I was still going to therapy. I was so motivated. I remember telling my therapist, like, this is the time I've been so motivated to just make sure my mental health is good, because, you know, if it's not good, like, how am I going to serve my baby? You know, how am I going to give him a good example of how to process emotions if I can't myself? And so just taking that time really to just have grace for yourself, I think is important because it was, I mean, nine months is a long time. Like, I look back on that. My son right now is seven months. So I'm like, holy cow, like, I, like, he's been alive for less time than I was pregnant with him. So it just blows my mind sometimes, like, what a stretch of time that is. And I think it's I'm so glad I had examples around me of how to treat myself with grace and how to take breaks and things. Because, I mean, you're literally growing life. Like, that is such an interesting time and such a tax on your body and your mind. Honestly, like, there's so many hormones fluctuating sometimes at different, like you have hormones that are higher one trimester and lower. And so, I really feel like any way someone's feeling during pregnancy, like, there's probably a reason why you're feeling that way, you know, your body is going through so much. So I was just so grateful. I loved being pregnant. There were some challenges about it. But I think, like, I said to my husband, I'm like, I could be pregnant all the time. I don't know that I have a problem with that because I just felt, I honestly felt like a goddess. Like I was like, look at me, like I'm glowing. Like everyone was so introduces like a whole new set of conversation topics. You know, everyone's kind of hush hush about infertility. Some people don't know how to like talk about it. But once you're pregnant, it's like, okay, there's like a million things you can talk about. And so it was a really fun experience. And I'm hoping, you know, we obviously don't know with infertility what our next experience having a kid's going to be like, but I am so looking forward to the pregnancy part. 

That first trimester is tough, but it was, I think there's, I really believe like there's special things about every different stage within that pregnancy. There's, I think when you're pregnant, I was honestly a little sad to like share it with people, even though I wanted to, and we had to write, like I was going to be carrying like a bowling ball around at some point. But it was like, I loved having that little secret with my husband, and that we just kind of got to go places and smile when we saw the baby clothes and like nobody knew. And so there, I feel like really even when I felt queasy and all those things are happening, like there was really something special about every stage. And I think just, you know, on the opposite end of that, there are struggles with every stage too. So I think just being open to the different experiences you have during that is, it's important to just be, you know, I think we can picture how we want it to go, kind of like we were talking about announcing you're pregnant or finding out you're pregnant. Like, it's good to have kind of an open mind about how that's going to play out, because, you know, you can be in shock, and that's totally normal too. So just all those different emotions you feel. There's a lot, I think, I was definitely more anxious towards the end too, just thinking about what birth would be like, because I don't think anything can really prepare you for that. And I took classes, like I tried to prepare. So just that whole experience is pretty wild too.

Yeah, no, I appreciate the example of a positive pregnancy, though, too, because sometimes I feel this way, where I get a confirmation bias from like, well, I know this is going to be hard, so I'm just going to look for all the hard things. But then to hear someone's positive experience of like, no, I actually liked this. And I have another friend who she has like five kids, I think, and she like loves being pregnant. And I was like, what are you doing? She's like, yeah, no, I don't know. There's something so special about just that bond, that time, and just so cute. Just like you've been your example of you and your husband, just knowing between the two of you, what a sweet bonding thing that is. And for the whole journey for it to be something that y'all went on together and for it to kind of culminate and like, yeah, this is our little secret. This is our little fun thing. It's so cute. That's so freaking cute.

I know. I felt like a little bit of grief, honestly. I think just like, oh, we have to share with people now. But I wanted to, you know, it was just like, again, another like mixed bag of emotions there. But I think you hit it on the head, too. Like there's such a special bond. I didn't even touch on this part, but I think I'm so glad you brought it up because, you know, like I felt my baby kick before my husband did, you know, like there's so many special sweet things that I was able to experience with my son before I even knew he was a boy and knew like all these things about him and how he looked. And like you just kind of sit there, or maybe this is just me, but I think other moms experience this. Like you just sit there in daydream, you know, like what are you going to be? You know, like, what are you going to be? Like, what is your life going to sound like? Like I would get lost so many times and in my own thoughts, just thinking about, you know, what he would become. And so I'm still experiencing that to some degree, even though he's earth side with us now, you know, it's just like, we're just figuring it all out, but it's so fun. I think, you know, you're, you're wanting your husband to feel when the baby kicks and you're trying to time it, because they don't always kick when you want them to kick. And just all those fun, I think we see it portrayed a lot in like TV shows and stuff. It's just so fun to have those experiences in real life. And, you know, like I said, nine months is a long time, but it's also like, it's relatively short when you think about raising a human for 18 years. And so just like really, if I had like one piece of advice for people, I would just say like, just relish it. Like it is such a sweet time to cherish, you know, that when you look back, you know, while you're in it, like you're focused on being queasy and, you know, maybe not enjoying it as much, but like when you look back, you're going to be like, wow, that was such a short time, you know, compared to all this time I've spent with this person that I've gotten to know. So I'm just so grateful. I'm so, so grateful. I don't know what I did to deserve like a like a really, you know, just easy pregnancy. I think I had, you know, joint pains and think just common things pregnant people deal with. But it was, yeah, I don't think I necessarily earned it, but for whatever reason, I just am glad I do have a positive pregnancy story to share, because like you said, I was expecting it to go horribly. Like I was expecting the worst case scenario just, I think, because of our infertility journey, but also because I had had friends who just said, yeah, like this part's the worst or that part's the worst. And so to like have a positive experience, I love talking about being pregnant, because I loved it, honestly. It was such a sweet time. And I think, you know, I know friends who have been really sick during their pregnancy, so that's super hard. Like I don't want to minimize how terrible and awful that feels, but I am also really grateful I had a positive story to share, because I think that can happen for other people too. Like, maybe it's less common, but I love being pregnant, and I think it's just a really unique time of life to have that experience and to go through that. And so I'm hoping more people have positive experiences, and maybe as, you know, we see those improvements in health care in different areas, mental health, all those things, maybe that'll help buoy people up. You know, even if you have a difficult pregnancy, it's like maybe that can help make the experience a little bit more positive. So I'm hoping, yeah, putting about positive energy down to the world, because I know, yeah, I feel like a just, I haven't met a lot of people who love their pregnancy experience. And so I'm just grateful that that was what I went through and hoping there's more of that in the world.

Absolutely. Absolutely. No, just got to bring the vibrations up a little bit, right?

Like, yes, I'm like, I don't want to be toxically positive. Like, I know there's people who definitely experience, like, a really, really rough times, but I want to believe there's other people out there, too, that can have a good, I think, I guess, my point is, like, I don't want to scare people away from getting pregnant just based on that experience. You know, I think for me, I was totally expecting to have, like, a bad experience. But then, yeah, to know, like, there is a, you know, a spectrum of experiences you can have is so important because I think that'll maybe I know people that are, like, deathly afraid of getting pregnant just for the pregnancy on its own. So I'm hoping, you know, sharing different experiences. And I think that naturally exists in, like, a friend group. Like, I know within some of my friends, like, we have a total different experience. I have friends that are sick and have HG the whole time. And then mine was, like, totally positive. And I have friends that are somewhere in the middle. So, like you said, just talking to your friends, talking to other moms, talking to sisters and sisters-in-law and your own mom. Like, there's so many people you can ask. And I think honestly, that's one of the best things I did to prepare was just ask everyone, you know, like you're doing, like, how did your pregnancy go? How did your labor and delivery experience go? Because honestly, the more you know, it's better to prove that's the most you could do to prepare, honestly, I think. So I'm hoping there's more positive pregnancy stories in the world. I totally am aware that mine was like an easy one. So I hope people who are having a rough time, like get access to the help they need, because it's yeah, physically and mentally, like you touched on all those different facets of it. Like it really, it touches every area of your life, your finances, everything. Like once you're pregnant, it's an interesting experience and adjustment. I think every trimester and every week there's apps, you know, you can download and see what's going on. And it's like, there's something different growing and going on inside of you, like every single week of that pregnancy. So as a mom, it's kind of tricky sometimes to go through that and, you know, try to eat the right thing that week, or try to do the right amount of exercise and not overdo it. Like just striking that balance is tough. And so, yeah, it's a very unique period of life for sure.

Absolutely. And I think we take it for granted that we just have babies. You just do it. But as we know, we're talking, it's like, well, your conception part of your journey was so hard, but then your pregnancy part of your journey was not so hard. And so it's just building a bigger house to store all of the experiences. And I am grateful that we have an opportunity in this day and age to just share all of it and just not hopefully be overwhelmed by it, but just feel seen and welcomed into whatever space with whatever experience that we're having. So I'm so glad that your pregnancy was positive and that we could hear that experience. And so I'm curious, kind of take us into early stages of labor delivery. How was that process for you?

Labor: Induction, Difficulty Dilating, & Emotional C-Section

Yes, it was so intense. I think I touched on it before. But yes, we had kind of, I mean, just like our I feel like our pregnancy journey was like bookended really weird, like with the infertility and I had ended up having a c-section. Really glad I had a like a normal pregnancy, because I feel like that gave me kind of a good piece of mind in between. I think if I had had a more rocky challenging one, like I think maybe, you know, God, higher power, whatever, like knew that I needed. We believe in God, so I'll say God. But like he knew that I needed probably an easier pregnancy to deal with the things that kind of bookended our experience. So yeah, it was really interesting. I have some other I was talking to him before about this, but like we have some tricky chronic health issues within with me specifically in our family. And so I was really worried about going into labor at home because I'm just at higher risk for fainting. And so I was just having like, I would have these visions and I don't know, you have really vivid like dreams during pregnancy sometimes. And so I would have these like pictures in my head of me fainting and my husband needing to carry me in my hospital bag to the car. And so I was like, no, no, no, like we're not going to do that. So prayed about it, like did all the things that I felt were like good to help me make a good decision. And I, our doctor had offered an induction, which I think is becoming more common in this day and age. And he just said, you're a good candidate. Like I think this would actually be a really good option for you if you're worried, you know, there's nothing keeping you from having an induction to get your baby here. And I just thought, you know, like I think that's going to be to be monitored through that whole process, to induce labor at the hospital. Like I think that's going to be a good fit for us. And I honestly, I mean, I'm summarizing that, but like I went back and forth for probably two or three weeks. Like, and towards the end, you're seeing your doctor, like every week, every two weeks, like there's a period of time where you're seeing them really frequently. And so they were asking, they weren't really pressuring, but they were like, hey, have you like decided yet? And so I was really kind of torn about it. I think it's another one of those decisions within motherhood and pregnancy, where you're kind of second guessing, like, am I doing the right thing for me or for the baby? Like there's such a, because there's so many different experiences now, you kind of wonder like, am I making the right choice? And so went back and forth about that a lot and finally decided that we will do the induction. And so it was, the whole setting up of that was really nice. It's kind of just like scheduling an appointment you just do with the hospital. And we went in, like, if you have a dog, like we both have dogs, we were just talking about it. And so, like, you can schedule for your dog to be with somebody. If you have other kids, you can schedule child care. Like, there's some really nice aspects of that that I would definitely recommend. We ended up going in pretty early in the morning and our nurses were great, our hospital we went to was awesome. But for whatever reason, my body just like did not want to get labor started and they threw everything at it. They do so many things. I'm sure lots of people on your podcast have talked about these experiences, but, you know, they can, they'll check like they'll do cervical exams to see how ready you are down there and then they'll give you like a pill and they'll break your water. Like, there's kind of what they call a cascade of intervention, I think is what it's called. But they basically try to do all the things to get your body to just be prime, to push a baby out. And so, and most people, it works. I think in about like, I'm probably quoting the statistic wrong, but I think in like 60-ish percent of people, like the things they do to induce you will work. It's kind of rare. I think it's 60 to 80 or something like that. But the things they try to break in your water and giving you a Pitocin and all those things will actually work and just kind of jumpstart your body. And so that was the experience we were expecting to have. I had a really, really wise friend that told me to prepare for an unmedicated birth, she said, it's just good to do that no matter what. And so I had taken childbirth classes, I'd taken all these things. I was like aware of the C-section, but I just didn't think that would happen to us. And so long story short, I ended up being in labor for about 30 hours. So over like over a day.

Yikes.

And when I look back at that, it's so surreal. I thought I would be like starving and everything, but I was really just focused on my child, you know, getting him out safe and checking his heartbeat. You can, they'll hook you up to all these machines, and you can like hear their heartbeat and everything. So I was just really focused on making sure he was okay. And luckily, thank goodness I had an epidural. Like I, everyone's experience is different, but I would highly recommend if you're considering an epidural as part of your experience. It's a really good thing, a beautiful thing about modern medicine. So I will say luckily I never got, I never got to active labor, which I believe is like six centimeters and above. So the highest I ever got was three centimeters, which was great if you don't want like a tough labor, but not great if you're trying to get a baby out. And so we were like really towards the end of that struggling. The epidural took a while to figure out too. And so I wasn't, I mean, I was in pain. I always tell people like I wasn't in active labor, but I was having contractions. And I didn't know this before taking childbirth classes, but pitocin contractions can be really intense. Like if they're, if they are inducing labor and they aren't natural contractions coming on. So I don't know that we would have done anything different. I because I never dilated beyond three centimeters, I think they gave us two different dates about a week apart to induce. And I think the same thing would have happened a week later. We just happened to choose that, you know, earlier one. I don't know that for sure, but I like to believe that like we would probably have ended up in the same place. But anyway, we saw a huge change of staff. Like we saw so many nurses and doctors come through. I think I saw most of the doctors from the clinic just because we were there for 30 hours. This is such a side tangent, but I will say we ended up getting like a Roku stick, like an off-brand Roku stick to put in the hospital TV. And I would highly recommend if you think you might have a long labor. That was the best decision we made that whole time.

What a great hack. I do that in like hotel rooms, but never thought about in the hospital. That's so smart.

A nurse had told us, and luckily before my labor even got kickstarted or anything, we had a Walmart that was right across from the hospital I was giving birth at. So my husband just ran there. The nurse had told us like if I had one hack to give anybody. So that's like so random, but I would say like, I mean, they're like you can get an off-brand one for like $15. So I would say like put it on your registry, do whatever to get it there because it was so, it honestly was a big mental help because we just turned on a bunch of shows that we had seen that we loved. And like Madagascar, like kids movies, you know, just kind of lighthearted things to make labor seem a little less scary and intense. And there were times in the middle of the night where like I was up, but my husband was trying to sleep and eat and, you know, do all the things he needed to do to stay healthy. And so it was so nice to have like just our comfort shows that we could pull up instead of, you know, like whatever, you know, we love impractical jokers, but like sometimes that's only, you know, whatever's on in the hotel or the hospital. And so it was nice to just be able to pick, like it gave us a little more autonomy over how we were feeling in the moment. And so it's kind of a random thing, but I always love mentioning that as part of our labor story, because I'm like, would highly recommend, that was probably one of the best decisions we made, but it was super nice. 

Yeah, that 30 hours of labor was tough and it was really disheartening, because I wasn't dilated very much. I just felt like kind of a wimp going through it, but I look back and think of how strong I was. I think in the moment, they couldn't get, they do this thing where they manually dilate a balloon to try to get you more dilated. And at the time, they couldn't even insert the balloon because I wasn't dilated very much. And I was in pain, and I thought this time, I knew people who had done unmedicated births, so I was like, wow, I'm such a wimp. I can't even believe they can't even get the balloon in there and stuff. But looking back, I'm like, you know, I was in pain, and I was uncomfortable, and I had a human being sitting on my pelvic floor and all those things. And so I'm so grateful for Modern Medicine, and that they tried everything they could to just get me to be in labor naturally. So I'm so glad we could monitor that whole process. But yeah, about 24 hours later, so the next day, the second day, my doctor came in. It was a different, it was a newer doctor. He's actually the one who ended up delivering the baby and we left him. We will never go see anyone else now, but he came in and he, I feel like just has such a sweet, I hope everyone has good doctors, because he was so sweet to us. He just was like, I'm not going to tell you what to do. This is your story and your experience. And he's like, I don't even know that I would recommend a C-section right now, but he's like, I think that's where this is headed. So take some time. Don't feel like you're in a rush. Obviously, we need to get the baby out one way or another, but he's like, I want you to just talk to your husband. And he's like, I have one or two more tricks up my sleeve. And so one of those was stopping the pitocin and restarting it. I guess for some people, that works. And then I can't remember what the second one was. But by the time we were kind of like looking into the C-section, the baby started experiencing, I can't remember exactly what it was. It wasn't super scary, but it was just like basically signs that I had been in labor for a long time. And so the doctor was saying, you know, like, don't freak out. Like, we're not in emergency section territory or anything, but your baby is starting to show signs. I mean, the water had broken at that point. Like, you know, things had just been changing for almost 30 hours at that point. And so the doctor was like, I think, you know, he's like, I'm going to recommend a C-section at this point. That's kind of the best standard of care once you've been in labor this long, just so your body can kind of have some relief from that, you know, that exhausting time. 

And I laugh now because, like, I had a friend who went through a really similar experience. I used to just think hers was like a horror story. I'm like, I will not go through that. That is so, so scary, but literally went through almost the exact same thing. So I think, and I'll probably cry telling this because it was so, it was shocking. Like tons of women have gotten c-sections, but when a doctor comes in and tells you like, they're going to have to cut you open, you know? And for me, this is my first major surgery. I had like, you know, I was empty taken out in those things, but I was like, oh, my gosh, like, they're going to take a knife to me and cut my baby out like this. It was kind of a shocking experience. And I also was laughing because my husband literally, bless his heart, was there like the whole time. Like, this was the one moment he stepped out in like two days to grab food for himself. And that's when the doctor came in and was like, okay, like, prepare yourself. And luckily my husband was in the hallway. Like he was racing back. He literally, I felt so bad. I think he had two meals that entire two days, the first two days we were there. And he's like six, three, like he's a taller guy. He needs more food than that. So he was doing the most for us in that moment. But yeah, he came in and I kind of explained to him like, okay, like I was kind of shaking. And I get like panic attacks from time to time. So I think I was having the onset of a panic attack looking back now. But I was like, okay, like the doctor just came in and obviously like, I want this baby to come out and I'm going to get emotional just talking about it. But it was, yeah, it was a really scary moment. And it was, I was honestly terrified. I remember like looking at my husband and a poor guy, he's like shoving Panda Express in his mouth because we're about to go on the OR. I was like, hey, like I am terrified, like more scared than I've ever been. And I don't even know if it was for like the fact that they were cutting me open. I think I was scared of their recovery too, because that's what everyone talks about with the C-section, is like the recovery is so hard and so bad and so much longer. And so I just told them, I'm like, I'm so excited because knowing we're going in for a C-section, I know that's a kind of a timed thing. It's not the exact same time, but you know you're going to meet your baby within the next two hours. So we were so excited, but I was shaking. And of course, you get labor shakes sometimes too. So all these, I mean, I had been flooded with hormones. I had all these things were going on in my body. I was shaking. I was mentally, I was having a panic attack. It was just so many things going on at once. And they had said, okay, if you're going to do this, we can do this at 1:30. And I think it was at noon that the doctor came in. And so the best way to describe it to people is it wasn't an emergency C-section, but it felt like an emergency to me because it was like, you got to be ready in the next hour and a half for them to cut you open and pull this baby out of you. And so it was really intense.

Like looking back, I actually have gone to therapy since then and done like an accelerated resolution therapy. I think it's called ART to reframe how that experience went in my mind. Because it was really, I think, looking back, both me and my husband agreed, we were in shock. It was like, whoa, this is probably the last thing we thought was going to happen to us. We had taken, we took all these childbirth classes and planned for maybe an unmedicated birth. If we were like, labor is really progressing or something, we want the epidural and all these things, but that was the one variable we were aware of. But we didn't know how to prepare for that. We were as prepared as much as we could be, I think, but I don't know how prepared you can get for that other than when you're going through it, or maybe being able to talk to someone who's had a similar experience. So it was, I guess, the moral of the story is like, I lived through it, everything went okay. But it was scary. And I had been in labor for so long at that point that my body was just tired, as I think anyone's would be. You're just exhausted. You have all these natural hormones that exist at that stage of pregnancy. And then they're pumping fluids in you. And all these things that are good for your body to have while going through that experience. But it's a lot. It's an unusual, you're not in that setting in everyday life. And so I think it can feel kind of jarring no matter what your birth experience is. But yeah, the whole C-section was interesting. I don't know if there's anything specific you want to know about that. But it was, yeah, it's kind of my pictures of it were like, you're just numb from the waist down. I had seen just what I had seen in TV. And so it was like, oh, I won't feel anything. They'll just cut me open. Maybe he'll be out. We'll have to sew me up. I'll have a scar. It was kind of just very factual for me. But we were blessed with just the best anesthesiologist. I was so out of it at the time. I don't even remember his name. But he was, hopefully, I don't know if he's listening. Maybe he'll make his way here somehow. But he was just the best. My husband was really focused on just holding my hand. They have to strap you down because everything's so sterile. And it just feels like, you know you're not being tortured, but it's also like, wow, this is really not the most. I mean, you're kind of splayed open. The best way I told my husband, I'm like, it's like when you dissect a frog in science class, that's kind of how I felt. I knew they had to get me in position to take the baby out and the placenta and all those things, but it was scary. And I did kind of feel like on display, like you're just not, I'm pretty like, like I said, an open book, but I was just like, wow, there's a bunch of nurses and everybody. And at that point, you've been examined so much, you kind of don't care, but it's still, it's not an everyday thing, right? You're just kind of a, there's bright lights so they can see everything. Like it's just kind of interesting. And so they pulled me in at this point. I had been under, like I had had so much medication and things that I was shaking, and my husband was focused on holding one of my hands. And then the anesthesiologist was just walking me through everything. And it was, he was the best. Like he would say, okay, like there, you're going to feel some pressure. You know, they got the different medications to numb me and everything. But the really interesting part of the C-section is you don't feel any sharp pain, but you feel a lot of pressure. And I think I had told myself like, okay, well, like anyone could do with pressure. You know, like I just like had told myself my whole life, like pressure isn't pain, you know. But for me, like I get really uncomfortable when any pressure is put on me, mental, physical, whatever. Like if I feel that, like it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me emotional. And so I think for the first time that experience really taught me, like I'm allowed to feel and, you know, like I was making noises while they were cutting me open, kind of like labor noises. And I had never seen that portrayed anywhere. And I was so grateful I had the anesthesiologist right behind me, because I kind of add to myself like I'm just going to make whatever noise I need to get this baby out, like whether it's a C-section or not. And so the anesthesiologist was awesome. He just kept saying like, this is normal. Like he kept repeating to me like, this is normal, you know? And it wasn't like he was minimizing anything I was going through is actually what I needed to hear. It was like, this noise you're making is normal. Like people do this when they're having a C-section. And so it was just amazing. He would just walk us through like, hey, they're about to pull the baby out. Like we can see him moving like he's doing, like he would just keep telling us, because my husband was so focused on me, and I'm so grateful he was there for that, and that we had another person, another personnel there that was just telling us, because my husband didn't know anything either. He's never been in a room where someone's giving birth. And so it was so awesome to just have great people around us. And I hope everyone gets that experience if they do, are put in that situation that they have someone that's kind of walking them through, giving them whatever they need. So that was really such a blessing for us that we had someone there. And I wish I remembered his name. I'm going to have to look through like all of our paperwork because he was just such a godsend in that moment because I'm someone who needs kind of to be walked through stuff sometimes, you know, for someone to tell me it's all right every 30 seconds. And especially when I was having a baby, it's like you really don't know walking into any surgery, right? Like what you're going to experience and how things are going to end up. And so I was so grateful that he was just saying like, this is normal. And this is, you know, it felt so abnormal and so weird for us to be experiencing. So to have someone say like, no, we see this. This is like this is what's happening and it's OK. And that was really special. 

But yeah, the best moment, and I get emotional every time I tell this, but obviously there had been so much lead up to having our son. And, you know, they got him out. And there's like this scary, like 10 or 15 seconds or maybe even longer, where like you don't hear them make a noise. And it is the longest, like 10 or 15 seconds of your life. Like, because you're just waiting to hear their cry. And we finally heard him cry. They kind of like jostle him around, do whatever they need to to get like a noise from them, make sure they're breathing and everything. And then they held him above the drape. And it was like this beautiful moment. Obviously like nothing, you know, I felt like, oh, they're gonna give him to me. Like, you know, I had pictured all the ways that moment could go, but once he was out, it was just like, he is safe. Like part of me like was just buoyed in that moment. Cause it was like, he's okay. Like that was what I had wanted. That whole pregnancy, I was just worried. You know, I wasn't worried the whole time, but like I had these moments where like, I feel like I'm not gonna be totally okay until I just see that he's breathing and he's fine, you know, and he's out. And so he also shocked us too. He had a full head of brown hair. Both me and my husband were blonde as babies. I'm still blonde, but it was like so funny. Like he had so much hair and dark hair. And so it was just like kind of this funny moment where like they pulled this baby out, and I'm like shocked and elated and happy. And I'm also laying on the table. Like there were so, I don't know if I could have felt more emotions in that moment. It was just so special to finally like see him. And he was outside of me and it was, he was healthy and he was okay. And that whole experience, like I'll never forget that either. It was just, it's cemented in my mind. And it's so funny to me because there's so many things that are hazy. Like they can give you some like medications and things to calm you down afterwards. And so like the rest of that experience is so hazy, but that will always stand out to me, is just seeing my baby for the first time and hearing him cry and know he's okay. And it was tough right after my husband had to go with the baby, which I'm so glad he went with him, but I was still like laying on the table, which was hard. But I was so glad to know that my husband was with our son and checking him. He was healthy. I mean, he's been like just the healthiest, happiest baby since then. He's so chill. So I'm so glad he had a little scare. They, it's kind of sometimes hard, I guess, to get them to breathe, you know? They're going from amniotic fluid to like oxygen, normal air. So he had like a moment or two where his oxygen wasn't quite where they wanted it to be.

But like I said, we had awesome personnel. I think the respiratory therapist came in and he's like, he's good, give him a minute, and just trusted that he would be okay. And he was, and so it was, yeah, it was such a special moment. You know, everyone was calling us mom and dad. And I think it was tough a little after, like just, you know, I had pictured like having skin to skin with my baby right after and kind of having those special moments. And I, what I didn't expect to be being like sewed up, you know, right after I had given birth. And so I do remember like they were sewing me up and like the anesthesiologist was like, okay, they got the placenta out and I felt them sewing me one direction and I thought like, okay, finally, like they've got me closed. And the anesthesiologist said, okay, they have your uterus shut. And I was like, you're kidding me, right? Like they have the whole outside layers so still like, and I was just kind of done at that. But I mean, like I said, I've been in 30 hours of labor. Like I was, I really wanted to hold my baby too. So, you know, you feel all these hormones. I think different women have different experiences with it, but I just had like, I just like, I just want to hold my baby that I've like worked so hard to get here, and I could hear him crying outside because they're, you know, trying to get him to breathe and do all those things and stuff. It was, that was tough. It wasn't how I pictured it, but I was so grateful. I had, I had one friend specifically that I had talked to about her experience. It was really similar. And since then, I've talked to two different people and they were saying kind of the same thing. Like, it's okay if you didn't picture your labor experience going this way. It was really sweet. My husband did eventually come in and he doesn't, hopefully he doesn't mind me sharing this, but he's not like a very emotional person. Like he has emotions and we'll share them, but I'm very like, I will cry. You know, I'm kind of a weepy, like that's how my emotions will come out. And my husband's just kind of stoic. Like he's very sensitive to people's emotions, but doesn't necessarily show them. I think too, like men, a lot of men experience that. It's just like, it's tough to figure out a way to share your emotions. And so, but he, I remember he was like, came in and was crying. And he was like, I'm so proud of you. Like it was such a special moment where he's like, our son is just beautiful. He just, he was crying for like a while. And of course I was out of it. So I felt bad because I wasn't really, I wasn't feeling to the full potential, I think that I usually feel. And so I was like happy, but I was just kind of loopy like out of it. But I was grateful my husband got that experience of like, you know, being able to be emotional in that moment. And to just, he just kept saying like, I'm so proud of you. He's so beautiful. Like our baby is so beautiful. And so it was really special. He got to hold the baby. Basically the most skin to skin we could do was the baby's cheek was kind of against my cheek for a while. And then once they got me kind of unplugged and from the things they needed to get me off of, I was able to hold him as they wield us to the postpartum room. So that was like our whole labor. It's a long one. So hopefully I wasn't too long. It was a long, the whole experience was long. So I'm like, I don't know how to short it because it was like a pretty long couple of days there. And but it was intense. But I would say like everything being said and done, like it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Like it was certainly an experience I didn't expect, but there were those redeeming moments for sure of like getting to see my son, hearing his heartbeat, joking around with the nurses. We had just the best people around us given the experience. And so I do think too, I was so glad I had a friend, like I said, she went through a similar experience and she just said, I'm living proof that you can make it through it. And that helped me so much. So I'm hoping if anyone has a similar experience, like I am also living proof, like you can have that intensive an experience and make it through. And you can have a C-section and recover, okay. And we obviously have leaps and bounds to go with medicine, you know, and kind of the way the health care system runs. But there are so many good people out there working and their whole goal, you know, I had a whole team around me that was just trying to get my son out healthy and happy. And so there's definitely, there can be positives among, I think kind of the theme, you know, we're seeing with my whole experience is like, there can be positives, even if it's super duper challenging to go through.

What a beautiful reflection on that whole experience. I appreciate you being so open and vulnerable with all of the feelings, right, all the things. And I think it is such a balancing act of recognizing, like, this is the craziest thing I've ever done. But also, like, I also have these things and like all these resources. And so I think I appreciate how well you balance that. And I think just knowing a little bit more about your previous medical experiences before having a baby and everything, I can see how that has informed your perspective on it. And made you such a resilient person. I don't know if you feel that way, but I feel that you are.

Not all the time, but. No, I appreciate you saying it because it is. Oh, yeah, I think, like I said, like I remember talking with my therapist and just saying, like, I I feel more motivated than ever. Like, I have to bounce back from this. You know, I think and that was the scary part for me. It was just like, I have to make it through this. I have a baby now, you know, like it was like, I have to figure out a way and the best way is through, I guess, you know, like how they say, like, I just got to figure out a way through it. But yes, so many emotions. But it was, yeah, it was such a long lead up. Like, I think there was something so special about struggling for so long, then having the nine months of pregnancy and then finally seeing him. It was like that made it all worth it. I do that a million times over. You know, I'd have all those panic attacks again. I would have the trauma that I'd need to figure out how to process and all that just to make sure he's here and healthy and, you know, that's not a guarantee too. I know that's such a privilege to have a healthy baby with zero issues, you know. And so just to have that experience, it really does give you perspective. And I'm glad, I don't know that I felt that way immediately after, you know, there's so many things going on postpartum. And so I'm grateful now, like you said, that I'm able to reflect and look back on that. And thank goodness for therapists and all the mental health people too, because it's a lot to process. I don't know anyone that's been able to really process it, like, as it's happening. I think it's something you really do have to look back on, or at least I know I had to, just to really think about all the nuances of it, and even to experience that gratitude, just beyond the challenges, and focus on those moments, literally reframe the way I was thinking about everything that happened. So yeah, it's a mind-blowing experience. I'm not sure there are even words to describe how that all unfolds for people. I think, as we mentioned before, just everyone has a different experience. And so I like you love hearing people's labor and delivery, and pregnancy stories. Everyone has a little nuance that I just hadn't considered before. So yeah, what a unique time. I keep saying that, but yeah, it's really just such a... It's one of a kind. Even if you have a textbook pregnancy, textbook preconception, textbook delivery, what a special... But that's your story, and that's how you got your baby or babies or whoever here. And so it's just a really touching thing to hear someone describe how that all happened for them.

Yeah. Well, that's why every single experience, I think, is worth sharing because it's like, oh, you know, it's just kind of typical. It's like, there's nothing typical about the experience of... Pushing a baby. Yeah. Like you, like bringing life, more life into the world is just a miracle. Any way, shape or form, any way that it happens. So I'm just so glad that you had the experience of emotionally processing through your birth, too. I feel like a lot of times we talk about the physical recovery, which I am curious about too. But I think sometimes the emotional is left by the wayside, because you just have to go, you just have to do this. And so I'm glad that you had that experience. And I'm grateful for you sharing your experience of mentally processing that.

Thank you.

Postpartum: Intensely Vulnerable + All the Feels

How was the physical recovery for you?

Yes, it was intense. I think it's another, especially, I can only obviously speak to having a c-section, but gosh, you're just, the bleeding is about the same. I know everyone wants to know the bleeding, like how intense is it? But it's about the same as I've heard from a vaginal birth. That is pretty similar. I think the best way I ever heard it described to me was like, it's just a really bad period. And I would say after having been through it, I would agree. It's just the most intense period you've ever had. They're recovering physically from that. For me, I think it was the vulnerable aspect of it was just like, I was coming off of being on an epidural and a spinal block, I think, for almost two days. And so I had to have people help me stand up again for the first time in a while. I got really swollen in my legs, just as you would expect sitting there and not being able to move my legs and having all these fluids come in and being pregnant. I got super swollen and luckily, they have compression stockings they put on you if you're in that situation to help prevent clots and things. But anyway, I had to have people help me stand up and help me make it to the shower or the bathroom. And you have a catheter and all these things that are, if you choose to do like an epidural and the more medical side of things. And so there's really no hiding anything. I mean, your doctor's coming in while you're learning to breastfeed. There's so much that's going on. And luckily, I do have an attitude of being an open book. And so that didn't faze me too much, but I think it's totally valid if someone's going through that and you're used to being a little more buttoned up, or maybe having a specific setting to share your emotions or express things. That can be a lot coming off of those hormones, and especially if that's not your typical way of living, that you're kind of that vulnerable, which is totally okay. It's a lot, honest. I think that's the best way to describe it is it's just a lot. You were going through so much. I remember I was still coming off of the medication they gave me post C-section when they were trying to teach me how to breastfeed my son. And luckily, I had taken so many classes, but I just remember thinking like I'm not even fully off the medication yet. And he needs like this liquid gold that I'm producing, but it's like it's still it's difficult. You know, like I haven't even fully come off of these meds. And I'm trying to get my son to latch and all these things. And so it was it's intense. I think it's as intense as pregnancy, if not more like it's the biggest hormonal shift. I think a woman or any human really goes through in their life like it's unless you have like another medical issue that would swing your hormones that much. Like it is a lot and you're coming off of it pretty quickly and your body's shrinking. It's adjusting. Like it's doing all these things at the same time. And not only that, but like you're given a human to keep alive like during this thing that might be so intense just for you personally. That was the biggest shock to me. I think I just remember turning to my husband and saying like, I'm like not to minimize what men go through, but like, holy cow, like, is there any other situation where you're like, how do your appendix out? Or like you're getting cut open, you know, for whatever reason, and then they hand you a baby. I'm like, this is just like, it's not irresponsible, right? Like you have to take care of your baby. But I was thinking in my mind, I'm like, any other situation, they would be like, don't move, rest, you know, but like with childbirth and labor and delivery, it's like, it's so funny because like, that's really such a different situation, especially if you have a C-section. It's like, you just had major surgery. And instead of being able to kind of relax to the extent that you were before, they're giving you like a tiny human to take care of, that you love and you want to do that. But it is, it's a lot to process. And luckily, I think this is pretty standard, but you can stay for a couple more days if you've had a C-section than I think a normal birth. They kind of keep you obviously as long as they need to for you to be okay. But I think insurance, if you have insurance, covers a certain number of additional days if you have a C-section. So we took the full extent that we could, and I'm really grateful that we did. We missed our beds at home and everything, but we just were like really, really needing the nurses kind of around. I remember thinking the day we left, like this is the earliest I'd feel comfortable leaving. Like I think that might have just been a me thing, but I couldn't shower for four days. It was really on the fourth day that we were there that I was, and I was not expecting that either. I'm like, my hair was so greasy. I was really out of my element in a lot of ways. But some of the times the nurses will offer to take the baby for a minute or do something. And I would just say, if you feel comfortable, accept the help. That was a big lesson for me. I love being self-sufficient and being able to take care of myself. And motherhood has taught me you really just, if you're what take the extent of what you're comfortable accepting. You know what I mean? And I think in some cases that needs to be more than what you were comfortable accepting before. At least for me, that's the way it was. There's still certain things I was uncomfortable with and certain types of help that I would say, you know, honestly, I don't really need that. But in the hospital, it was like there was really no hiding. And so it taught me pretty quickly to just, there were things I couldn't do. I couldn't lift the car seat for a couple of weeks. Like there were just things, I couldn't take my dog out the same way. There were just things I had to let my husband or someone who was visiting do. And I think we talk about postpartum, it's like this six week or eight week period. But for me, I was like, I think postpartum lasts a lot longer than that. Like it's, your postpartum like after pregnancy, really, you know, until whenever you decide it's over. I think in my point of view, it's like that can't, you know, I'm still having like postpartum hair regrowth and all, like I am still experiencing things from that time of life that, you know, affect me day to day. And so I think really, I think there is like a clinical definition of postpartum, but it's a long time. I think it lasts, you know, I think my hormones are still stabilizing from that experience in a way.

I think I read somewhere that it takes like two years for even your organs to like shift all the way back down. And so it makes sense that, of course, like in all of that, if even your physical body takes that long to recover, it makes sense that you're emotional, you're social, every part of your world is going to be in motion for that time.

And so yes, I know from like a nutritional standpoint, your body's nutrients don't even really replenish until you're 18 months out of it. Like it can take that long, of course, it may take shorter for some people, but like with breastfeeding too, that was a big adjustment for me. Just we had like, again, a textbook breastfeeding experience, like my son Latchwell, like everything went, like my supply has been good. I really have had no complaints, but it's the amount of time it takes to breastfeed a kid is like so much more than I think I was, I don't know, I like read all the statistics, but until I was actually living it, it's like timing every, you know, the mental math of just being a mom is a lot. And so like, I love that you said it can take a while, cause yeah, it's a lot, I feel like it's a long time to really adjust. I don't know why I was expecting it to all happen in those six to eight weeks. I don't know if that's just the way it had been described to me before, but yeah, I think it's, it's awesome. I think women are becoming a lot more vocal about that period of their life and what postpartum looks like. And I'm glad there's women that felt vulnerable enough to, you know, share that with me before I went through it, because there weren't a ton of surprises. I think there are things that just strike you differently. But for me, I didn't feel like there was like anything that really just caught me off guard, other than how much time it takes to breastfeed. That was like, I don't know, for me, I was just like, wow, that was really the one thing that I was like, holy cow. I'm, you know, it's like a part, I think they did the math and it's like a part time to full time job per year once you factor in like cleaning pump parts and eating sufficient calories to make sufficient calories. Like, it's really intense. And yeah, like you said, like being a stay at home mom and things like I used to, you know, I used to believe it was the most important job, but I really kind of didn't understand like, I'm like, oh, wow, that is really a job. Like I spend, even though I've taken a career break right now, like I spend sun up to sun down being feeling busy, you know, like cleaning all the toys and, and all the things and making the baby foods and you know, just any, anything related to raising a child. It's like it takes from when I wake up to when I go to sleep now. So it's a big adjustment. I think postpartum lasts a long time and I'm glad you're asking, you know, you're not just ending it at labor and delivery. You're like asking about all that for your life is so important to you because they're they're just like every experience we've talked about. It's like there's such a wide range of things that can happen. And it's a crazy time, for sure, to say the least, to say the least.

Right. Well, I am so grateful for how descriptive and just reflective and everything has been. It really it's helpful for me as a non mom to hear specifically about the postpartum period, because I feel like that's where okay, that's where I can be a village. That's where I can be better informed and not just I mean, I love babies. Don't get me wrong. But I've learned in my adulthood to ask about the mom and check in on the mom and not get so distracted by the cute, chunky cuteness happening, but there is this whole other side. And so I'm grateful for your experience and your reflections on that.

I want to put it into like, it was such a joyous time as well. I know I forget to mention that, but we had so many babies, like those newborn snuggles, there's nothing like it. And just like you said, we were so grateful to have a good village around us. And I think that is something you can do. If you don't have kids or choose not to have kids, you can be that village. And like you said, ask the mom. I think that's like the motto is just ask the mom what you can do. And sometimes it is take the baby for a couple minutes. And like what a bonus that you get, you know, baby snuggles. But like sometimes she needs laundry done. Sometimes she needs food for the first time in the day. Like it's just really intense for a lot of women. So yeah, check in on your mom's like there's nothing. I think for me, there was nothing better than a text, you know, because for me, that gave me like an option, you know, to accept people coming to my house or say, you know, today's not a good day, like just having someone text me and check in and maybe I wasn't struggling and I was okay that day, but the days I was struggling, it was nice to have somebody just know that they were thinking about me and wanting to know that, you know, how I was doing and maybe willing to help and come, you know, provide assistance in whatever way I needed. So yeah, check in on your mom's there. There are days where you definitely struggle, especially postpartum.

Yes, I need to make a bumper sticker that says that.

I love it. I will buy it. I will buy one for all my friends.

Pre-order. Yes, I'm all for it. Right?

I would promote that like crazy.

No, such a good reminder. Well, you've given such great tips and reflections the whole time. I do always love to end by asking, if you could go back to the beginning of this process, what's one thing that you would tell your pre-mom self?

To My Pre-Mom Self…

Oh, that's such a tough one. But, I mean, this has gone right along with the theme we've had today. But just have grace for yourself. You know, I think it can't be said enough. Like, give yourself time and space to be open about things. Yeah, I wish I had been a little more, had more grace for myself, especially during the infertility period. Like, I was so hard on myself and my body for not doing what I wanted it to do. And just, yeah, from beginning to end, I think just I wish I had, you know, like you said, have a bumper sticker or something on my mirror or somewhere that just says have grace for yourself today. You know, like however today unfolds, maybe it's a good day, maybe it's a bad day, in whatever stage I'm going through. But just to, you know, have grace with yourself and be open to whatever's happening. And just know that I think we've touched on this too, but there's like not one way to process things that you can have these emotions and they're not bad. You know, you can be frustrated with how you're feeling during pregnancy and also so elated that you're having a baby. Like there's space to hold two different emotions at the same time. So, yeah, if I had to summarize it, probably just have grace with yourself.

Beautiful. Beautiful. I love, I agree. I think we have so much more capacity to feel than we give ourselves credit for.

Yes.

And I think we need to give people the space to feel all of it too, and not just label one thing or gloss over another thing, but be there with people, be there with yourself or whatever in whatever you're feeling, and just it's, I understand like, it's not as easy as if you were to ask someone, how are you doing? Good. Oh, great. And then you move on, right? But even I think especially like, like you've been saying, like, we just need to give ourselves and each other grace and space to just-

Grace and space. I love it.

So many slogans coming out of here at the end.

I will buy all your bumper stickers.

I love it. Well, it has been a delight, truly a pleasure to have you on the podcast. I'm so grateful for your vulnerability, for your authenticity throughout your experience. And so I know a lot of people will feel more seen and more heard from your experience. So thank you for being on the pod today.

Yes. Thank you for having me. It was, I was looking forward to this all week. It's been, I'm sorry, I'm laughing because I can hear my son like screaming in the background. But happy squeals. But no, it really, it's such a special thing. Like, you know, I'm, as I mentioned, I'm pretty open. But like to be able to share with somebody I know, you know, someone I grew up with my story, it's like, I know you're going to take such good care of it and share it with who it needs to be shared with. And yes, it's such a like special unique phase of life. And, you know, I just pray and hope that moms can have that grace and space that we talked about to go through it. And yeah, just so flattered that you chose me to be one of the women and that you're one of the women that has a story that you want to share. So I'm just touched and honored that I get to be part of it.

Well, thank you so much, truly.

All right, y'all. Thanks so much to Annika for being on the podcast with us today. See what I meant about the resilient thing. Like sheesh, she is just incredible. And can we give a quick recap of those great bumper sticker ideas? We've got checking on your mom, friends and give yourself grace and space. So shout out to Annika for those great merch ideas. New merch line launching soon. Just kidding. Just kidding. But hopefully someday they'll be awesome. But in all seriousness, she is such a radiant example of staying hopeful when life throws you curveballs. I'm so grateful for her honest insights into the reality of bringing her cute, sweet little son here. And I'm also so grateful to you for listening. Thank you for sharing these episodes, too. It's the best way to grow the podcast, and I can't do it without you. It makes such a difference, so it truly means the world to me. And if you aren't subscribed yet, and you're this far into the episode, I just have to ask, what are you doing? Hit that follow button so we can hang out next week. All right, friend. Same time next week? 

K. Love you. Bye.