SURPRISE! I'm pregnant!

Y'all, it may be the best video I've ever taken of anything in my life. Let me just play you the audio. I will say perhaps a warning to our headphone listeners out there. 

Hey, y'all, welcome to The Labor Line, a non-mom's authentic look into the birth experiences of her mom friends. I'm your host, Emily, and surprise! Oh my gosh, you guys, I guess that whole intro is kind of a lie today because I can't technically call myself a non-mom anymore because you read the title right. I am pregnant, which is just crazy. I definitely have settled in to that fact more and more, obviously, but it still is something that I'm just like, wait, are you sure? Are you positive? But I am so excited to share this amazing new life with y'all that I've been experiencing for the past couple months. 

We're having a baby!!

I am due in March, so I just barely entered my second trimester, which is crazy. I wouldn't say that my pregnancy feels like it's gone by fast, but it is crazy that we're only like six months away now. That feels really soon, which, you know, six months is six months, but it just feels a little bit more imaginable than like, oh, like nine and a half months, 10 months, whatever. Like that feels like a decent amount of time, but we're already a third of the way through, which that is crazy to me. So if you do the math, you'll realize that I found out I was pregnant one week before The Labor Line launched, and I'll talk more about how that went for me. But, you know, I think you can understand why. I wouldn't have just like completely rebranded everything and thrown everything out the window and, you know, whatever. Like I didn't know, first of all, how it would go either the podcast or my pregnancy. And I was like not ready to share that with everybody, let alone like change my entire podcast plan and everything. So I've just continued to create content as a non-mom because it was a perspective that I've understood. And I've been doing that as I've been trying to figure out this new perspective of a soon-to-be mom or whatever my new intro will be. I've been thinking about it, and I definitely think I need y'all's help to know what my new little intro should be. And so maybe I'll put a poll up on Instagram because I can't decide if it should be mom-to-be or new mom or whatever, but we'll talk about that later. But I will say that all of this has created some major cognitive dissonance of trying to have this voice of a non-mom while knowing, okay, I'm not that necessarily anymore, but I'm still trying to figure out what I am instead. And so, I'm honestly so grateful to just be more authentic. 

There were a few weeks where I definitely needed to put some distance between myself and the podcast, because for a few weeks, honestly, I found myself being really affected by the episode and what was working for the mom that I'd interviewed that week and what was not working for them. So, for example, if the guest that week had had an unmedicated birth, I was like, oh, that actually sounds really cool. I should do an unmedicated birth too. Or on the flip side, if they had had a difficult time with breastfeeding, I was like, oh my gosh, what if I have a hard time with breastfeeding? Kind of like that anxious girly curse, I would call it, where there's already so much on your mind during pregnancy and to be presented with all these new variables every week that I would just chew on over and over again as I edit the episodes. I was having a little bit of a roller coaster experience, and I didn't really even realize how much it was affecting me until I was talking to my mom on the phone one day, and I was like, yeah, I think I need to not put so much stock into other people's experiences. As far as how it affects my experience, I still want to put stock into their experiences in the sense that there's value in sharing every story, there's value in sharing the positives, the negatives, and everything in between. But that doesn't mean that that will be my experience, and it doesn't mean that I need to carry that worry or those variables with me at this time. Maybe there will be a time in the future that I am grateful that I have XYZ to really look at for a specific example, but for now, they can just be their story, just the way that this pregnancy can be my story, if that makes sense at all. And it really wasn't until I found a doctor that I felt really confident with, which was only like a few weeks ago, that I was able to really like create that healthy emotional boundary and feel at peace with like, no, I can see that this is completely this person's story, and that this is completely my story, and they're separate. In fact, the top 10 things that I learned from the episodes that I shared at the end of last week's episode was, it's just so funny. I kind of wish I would have saved it for today, but it's fine. But so much of my reflections, I had so much more to say, but I couldn't say it because I hadn't said that I was pregnant yet. But one of the things was just how insanely variable pregnancy can be. And I think I mentioned it last week. Again, at first, that was kind of overwhelming, but then it really was almost freeing of like, okay, yeah, no, there are so many variables, and I really can't control anything other than how I'm emotional and how I'm emotionally reacting and being proactive in my emotions. And so it really was kind of like this light bulb moment, and I don't even know exactly when, but it's become a light bulb thing of like, yeah, no, pregnancy is crazy, and bringing children into this world is even crazier than I ever thought. Therefore, I need to stay as present as I possibly can, and process my experience while creating space for other people's experience. 

Anyways, there is so much I want to share with y'all. So I'm just going to kind of go in chronological order, and then if there's something I missed, I will put up a question box on my Instagram, and you can ask me there, and I'll be giving little updates here and there on upcoming episodes from here on out, and I'll be able to share things with y'all much more real time, which I'm really excited for. I'm excited for it to be a little mini time capsule of this whole experience for me, and I'm so grateful that I get to share it with you, all my friends, as it happens. All right. So where to start is a good question. I guess I will just start with the fact that I have not been on any sort of birth control for about three years, because I hated it. I hated it so much. I was on Nexplanon, and first of all, I gained so much weight. I had like the worst moon face ever. Besides that, way more importantly, I just felt completely out of my body. Like I had a very difficult emotional response to it. So, I got that out about like nine months into having it. And I'm very grateful that my periods have been always super consistent. So, we were able to just do kind of natural planning. However, we started becoming like less and less careful, and we kind of adopted this mindset of like, well, we're not trying, but we're not not trying, if that makes sense. And that lasted probably like eight-ish months or so, and nothing was happening. And then I started kind of freaking myself out. And I was like, wait, but we like really, really aren't being that careful. Like, why are we not getting pregnant? Is there something wrong with me? And there was this one month in particular that I got my period, and I was just like really nervous. And Nate was like, my dearest love, I understand that it's, you know, concerning, but let's not freak out until we've actually started trying. And I'm like, okay, that's fair. 

But during this whole time, like Nate and I were having more conversations about having kids, we both, you know, were being less timid about bringing it up in conversation. And it went from something that we felt terrified to talk about to something that we could like imagine adding to our lives. But honestly, like, I think we both were still kind of waiting for like this yes feeling that we just hadn't felt yet to really like give ourselves the green light of like, okay, now we're like actually trying. But then we had a really sweet experience at the end of May. So there is an LDS temple in San Antonio. It's like one of my favorites, if not my favorite, because it's my hometown temple. And Nate and I really wanted to go because it was going to be closed for like six months. So I think from, well, maybe not, whatever, from June to October. So we went right before it closed. And while there, Nate and I took some extra time to pray together. And we both just got this really strong feeling that the next time that we were sitting in this temple, so October, I would be pregnant. And it was like such a bigger feeling than I was expecting to feel when we went to pray. I was just kind of like, oh, help us feel more open about this. But instead, like separately, we both felt like, no, the next time we're sitting where we're sitting, I'm going to be pregnant. It was one of those moments where like the world feels still and you feel a little bit lightheaded and you just like, like the whole entirety of your existence just feels like it's happening in this one moment. It was such a beautiful thing. We both kind of left there being like, oh, okay. Wow. What? Like, okay. Yeah. Let's give ourselves the green flag. And I'm so grateful that we got that moment. There's been a lot of like big decisions that I've had in my life, that Nate's had in his life, that weren't that clear. But this was one that I feel like we both really were hoping for a strong answer, one way or the other, because we both just, you know, we want to do well. We want to do it in the right time. And so I'm so grateful that we have that moment, because since becoming pregnant, it's been something that I can look back on and feel a lot of reassurance about. 

So we decided to start actively trying. I bought ovulation strips and I just wanted to be extra safe. So I just tracked it on a piece of paper with my very scientific data, where I was saying, like, kind of positive on Monday, and even more kind of positive on Tuesday, and like positive, positive on Wednesday. But yeah, then we tried that first month, and we were sort of just waiting to see if I got a period or not. And then we had an upcoming trip to Utah and Idaho to see both of our parents. And I realized I was due to get my period right in the middle of that trip, which would be kind of emotional one way or another. I was also leaving a few days before Nate, and I didn't want to be apart when that happened. I was flying out on Tuesday morning, and I realized all of this on Monday morning. So we were cutting it kind of close, but I realized it because I had gotten kind of into jogging with my morning walks with Magnolia, and I was jogging that morning, and my boobs hurt. I was jogging past the neighborhood pool, holding my chest because it hurt so bad. So I thought that was a little suspicious. So I had taken two or three pregnancy tests before that, when my period had been a day late or something, and I'd kind of amped myself up to feel a lot of anticipation, like, oh, this could be it. But this time, for the first time, I was like, I don't know, like, it probably won't be positive. And honestly, like, it might be better if it's negative. And, you know, I was, like I said, I was a week away from launching the podcast. Nate had just started school again, which he was doing online on top of working 10 hours a day at his job. And honestly, I think I just got a little scared, you know? I'm like, wait, like, this is the most planning that I've done before taking a pregnancy test. And so there's, you know, a higher chance that this is really going to happen. 

But anyway, so we took the test, we had it flipped down on the counter, and Nate was going to flip it over for us. So we counted down, he flipped it, and there is this unmistakable line there. And immediately I was just like, what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no way, no way. Like immediately I was like in denial, even though I was kind of expecting it, I was not really convinced that it was going to be positive. And, you know, sweet Nate is just automatically like, oh, honey, and he's just hugging me and kissing me. And, you know, we're both in between like hugs and everything, we're like, oh, my gosh, oh, I love you. Wait, what the heck? Oh, I love you so much. But like, wait, ah, what? Seriously, you know, just all of the feelings all at once. And I was so convinced that it wasn't going to be positive, that we had dinner reservations right after that, that we needed to get to. And so I just felt like so out of body during that whole dinner, like, wait, what? Like, it just did not feel like real life. And during that dinner, I told Nate, I was like, you know, I think I just need to get a fancy test that says the word pregnant on it so that I can't like psych myself out and convince myself that it's just a fluke. So after dinner, we got a pregnancy or a fancy pregnancy test and sure enough, it said pregnant on it. 

So yeah, then the next morning, Nate went to work and I went to the airport and I spent a few days with my parents before Nate could fly out and join us. So I had to spend the first couple of days of knowing that I was pregnant, not only apart from my husband, but with my parents who I just wanted to tell everything do. So it was, it was, it was difficult. My parents have always been super good at like not pressuring us about having kids. But they just like, you know, bring it up as something they're looking forward to. And Nate's parents are awesome at that too, for that fact. We're very blessed that they have always been very respectful about that. But, you know, Nate and I had shared with my parents that we were feeling like the time was coming, that we were gonna probably have kids sooner than later. So I think it kind of gave them a little bit more of a green light to bring it up. And so it was just super cute. There were a few times that it came up, like when they were introducing me to a friend or something, they'd be like, this is our daughter, Emily. She and her husband live in Texas. And we hope that they get us some grandkids soon. And I just would smile and laugh along, but it was just so extra special and fun to know, like little do you know that we have, in fact, been working on that. 

And so it was just so sweet to be there. And it was also really sweet to be in Utah because both of my grandmas lived there. And I wanted to be able to tell them in person. And Nate and I had agreed beforehand that we would tell my grandmas and his grandma who lives in Idaho. So the first thing I did when I landed was go and visit my mom's mom in the retirement community that she lives. It's like right next to the airport. And my mom was there with me as well. But whenever she would step out of the room for a hot second, I would try to quickly tell my grandma. But she's a little hard of hearing. And so she really never understood what I was saying in the whispery, quick way I was trying to tell her. But it was still sweet to even have attempted to tell her because even though she didn't fully understand what I was saying, it was sweet to say it out loud and say it to someone that I loved. And it helped it feel a little bit more real. And later on, after we told our parents and everything, my mom was able to go back and visit her and tell her in a way, a much more understandable way than my rushed little whisperings could have communicated. And I didn't want to tip my mom off at all. And so I just decided, it's fine. We had the sweet time even though it wasn't exactly successful, I was still happy with how it went. And then my dad's mom lives really close to where my parents live. And so when I was down there, I had some free time one day, my parents were busy, and my dad suggested, like, why don't you just pop over to grandma's now? I think it'll work better than the plan that we had had to get together with them, which little did he know, created this perfect window of opportunity for me to tell her and like really talk about it. And so, at the time, she was receiving dialysis in her home, and so her nurse was there, and so she let me in the front door, and I could kind of peek around the doorway and surprise her. And then I just sat at the foot of her chair, and we, you know, as she was hooked up to the dialysis machine, we just caught up. And then, you know, eventually she just kind of naturally brought it up. This is like, so your parents tell me that you and Nate are ready to start your family soon. And I kind of looked at her like, mm, yeah. And her eyes lit up, and she's like, are you pregnant? And I'm like nodding my head like, mm. And, you know, it was so sweet, like just both of our eyes filled with tears, and we just held hands and we talked about it. And it was so special. Like she, you know, she was really the first person that I had like even been able to process this with other than Nate. It was just so special to have that memory together. And just to be able to like, I just felt so bonded to her in that moment. 

Right after being with her, I actually went on a solo hike on one of my favorite trails out there. It was so nice to like have some alone time, to process everything. And I like usually listen to something while I hike. But this time I was just quiet, and I was just really trying to process everything and just like breathe. And I actually took a little voice memo because I'm not great at journaling, but from time to time, I'll like record myself just talking things out. And so I actually have that little clip, and I'll share that with y'all right now. 

“I am currently on my favorite hike, Primrose Overlook Loop. And I found out two days ago that I'm pregnant, which just sounds like every time I say it, it sounds like someone else is saying it. And I don't know. I am scared because it's just the rest of my life. And I want to do it well. But I'm so grateful that we could just get pregnant. And I'm so grateful to be in such a beautiful place and be reminded that the world is beautiful. That earth is beautiful, and sometimes we just make it complicated. And so I'm just excited as well. And I want it to feel real, and so I'm trying to be present, and trying to just say it over and over again till it sets in. And to all the beautiful birds and insects singing, it's just so grounding. And yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited for it to feel more and more real too, and for it to take a couple months to really set in.”

I just have so much love for that sweet, sweet girl, that sweet version of myself. I bet you can hear this too, but I was pretty timid recording that, and I didn't want to be screaming, obviously, because we're hiking, and I'm trying to be respectful of other people. But I also was just like, okay, this is crazy. This is absolutely crazy. And I was just trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling. I've learned that I'm a person that dissociates quickly when big things happen, because I really like to intellectualize my feelings. And rather than just like feeling them most of the time, like, for example, when I was engaged, I disassociated hard because I was feeling so much, and I just I didn't give myself time to feel my feelings. And so a lot of it was a blur, and I just didn't like want to mess anything up and blah, blah, blah. So I just kind of like went into, you know, fight or flight or freeze. I was definitely like frozen for a lot of that. And, you know, obviously, I'm grateful that everything happened when it did. And, you know, I wouldn't change anything other than the fact that I wish I could have just slowed down a little bit more and just soaked it all in and like given myself time and space to like process everything. So on that hike, I decided that like with this pregnancy, I am going to take things as slowly as I need to. Like I just wanted to be present and let myself enjoy it and not worry about everything the whole time. And I really do. I've been surprised with how slowly I've been wanting to take things, but I'm so grateful and I'm honestly really proud of myself. And I'm so grateful for Nate for like helping me keep to that because it's made such a difference. But anyway, so on this hike, I was thinking all of that. And then I came to like one of my favorite parts of this hike, which is like this beautiful meadow that's surrounded by these trees. And it's so quiet and so secluded. You know, you can like hear the breeze and some birds. But other than that, you really don't hear anything. So I decided to take this as an opportunity to really ground myself. And so I walked out into the meadow a little ways and I sat in the grass. And I just started talking to myself and saying out loud over and over again, like, Emily, you're pregnant. You're pregnant and it's okay. You can do this. Because like I said in the recording, at first it really felt like someone else was saying it. But I just sat there and I told myself that little phrase over and over again until it sunk deeper into me. And it really wasn't until I was able to say like, I am pregnant and it's okay and I can do this. And it started to feel true. And again, I'm just so grateful that I did that. And honestly, it was what I needed. And it really has just felt like this anchor as I ride these different waves of emotions that come with such a big life change. 

So a few days after that, Nate came into town. We spent some sweet time with his family. And we got to tell his grandmom, which was so sweet and special as well. We had said we wanted to tell our grandmas, but we really hadn't thought about how sweet of a thing that was, because it was so wonderful for the first people in our lives to know about this little baby. We're like our amazing grandmothers, who are honestly these amazing matriarchs in our lives. They're the only grandparents that Nate and I have surviving. And so it was just so special to almost start from the top and trickle down as we shared this news. And it was just so special, like I said before, I just felt so connected to these women. So fast forward a few more days, we had the opportunity to get together with all of Nate's family and my parents, which had not happened since our wedding almost four years ago. So we were all going to get together for lunch before Nate and I flew out. And so it was like perfect timing to tell everybody. I was so much more nervous the day of than I thought I was going to feel. It definitely felt like another big leap onto the path of like, oh my gosh, this is real, and this is actually happening. My life is actually changing. Our lives are not the same. So I relied a ton on Nate to take the lead that day. And so we did the classic pretend to take a picture, but it's actually a video. And then as you're counting down, you say, hey, we're pregnant. So we told everyone that we wanted to get a picture since we hadn't got a picture of us since the wedding. It was the perfect coverup. And y'all, it may be the best video I've ever taken of anything in my life. Let me just play you the audio. I will say perhaps a warning to our headphone listeners out there. 

“All right, everybody on three. One, two, three, Emily's pregnant! [absolute mayhem ensues]”

Isn't that the best? It's just perfect. Yeah, it's my favorite video ever. The most excited, screaming person is my sweet mom. It was the best. I will say, I also apologize to everyone in that video because I think we were all just so, it was seriously out of the blue. I feel like that was right before we had lunch, and during lunch, everyone was kind of had aftershock. So I'm sorry to shake us up so much, but it was priceless. And it felt so good to finally tell all of them after a week of trying not to be too obvious and whatever. So that was amazing. But then it was hard to leave for home two hours after that. But it was definitely worth waiting to be able to tell everyone at the same time. Nate's the oldest, and so this is the first grandbaby on his side. And like I've said many times, I'm the only girl. And so this is like the first time that my parents will see one of their children like actually be pregnant. And so it was just really sweet to get to tell them all at the same time. 

So then we were home and the podcast launched two days after that. And so that was kind of my life for a little bit. We then focused on telling my siblings, which was so fun. At that time, all but one of my siblings lived in Texas, so we got to tell almost all of them in person. It was so special. And, you know, I wish I had time to tell every single story, but I will just say the best one was telling my brother, Chris, and his wife, Jordan. So the week that we found out that we were pregnant, Chris and Jordan announced to our family group chat that they were pregnant with their fourth baby. And Nate and I were like, oh my gosh, wait. So that means we're going to have a baby around the same time. So we knew we had to do something extra special to tell them in person since, you know, we were like going to be experiencing this together. So my niece and I had started writing each other little cards over the summer, like we had mailed back and forth. And we started this little tradition where every letter we would end with like a peach and a pits, like the peach being something sweet that happened that week or whatever, and the pit being something not so great that happened that week. So I wrote in my letter that my peach was that I was going to have a baby in March, just like her mom. And you guys, I literally could not have scripted what happened next more perfectly. So we get to their house and I'm like, oh, hey, I actually have your letter in person. I just thought instead of mailing it, I could give it to you. So she takes it and she goes to read it by herself. And us adults are in the kitchen. We're just, you know, casually talking and just catching up. And a few minutes later, my niece just perfectly calmly comes in and is just like, thanks for my letter, Auntie Em. And then she turns to her mom and is like, Mommy, did you know that Auntie Em is having a baby in March 2? And Jordan and I just like, she just, she just looked at me and immediately we both were just crying and we just held each other and hugged and cried. Nate and Chris were hugging and celebrating. And the whole thing was just so perfect. It was so cute. And then we were able to just talk about pregnancy. And it was, it was perfect. It was like such a core memory. And we didn't know it at the time because I hadn't had my first appointment yet. But we are actually only due two days apart, which I am so freaking excited about. It's, oh, it's just like a dream come true. 

But yeah, so speaking of not having my first appointment yet, I had a really hard time finding a doctor. So Nate has insurance that doesn't necessarily have like a network. So I had my choice of doctor, which is really great. But it's also really overwhelming because I don't have like a list of or anything to go off of. So I just literally was Googling. I was looking on Reddit for like actual reviews of doctors. And like I was debating going up to Austin to have a doctor because there, you know, it's just a bit, it's the biggest city that we live next to. And we just felt like, you know, we could probably get really good care there. But we also wanted Nate to be able to come to as many appointments as possible. And we don't live in like Austin proper. And so for him to like be able to, you know, sneak out of work, you know, an hour or so early just wasn't really an option. And so we ended up finding a midwife who works for a hospital that's only 15 minutes away from Nate's job. So I decided, I was like, well, I just need to pick one and go for it and try it. And then if we don't like it, we can go back to the drawing board. So, you know, I did the whole run around. I called my insurance and the hospital and the insurance again, the hospital again, because I had no other way of knowing if this doctor was actually covered by my insurance. And so finally, I like got the green light that I could go ahead with this doctor. 

And this hospital wanted me to have a confirmation of pregnancy before they would take me in as a patient. And, you know, like my sister-in-law, Becca's story was similar. She needed to go get a confirmation of pregnancy. So I knew it was a thing. But they, I had to go to this one clinic in order to be a patient. And I was like, okay, whatever. So I googled the clinic to set up my appointment. And the website was like really encouraging. It seemed really like neutral and unbiased. Information was very like clear and direct. And it was like really encouraging to just be a woman living in Texas, having a pregnancy experience for the first time. It was just really encouraging that something that like really seemed to value women and would help them get health care that they needed existed and that this clinic was referring me to them. Then Nate and I go to the clinic and we pull in. And the first thing we notice is that the logo is completely different on the building than what was online. There is a T in the name of the clinic. And online, the logo was just like a font, whatever. But in person, the T was a big cross that took up the entirety of the logo. And I saw that as a bit of a red flag. And, I mean, obviously, I'm a Christian person, but it was a red flag to me that there seemed to be something shrouding the intent from what was online to what was in person. It's like, okay, let's just be up front, people. It's not whatever, like, whatever, let's just be up front. So Nate and I were like, okay, we need to be ready for this to kind of be a preachy thing, even though we were literally just here to receive healthcare. 

But I will say, there were some things I really did like about how this clinic conducted themselves. So we went in, the waiting room was super nice and beautiful and calm. They saw that I was with a man, obviously, and they asked him to take a seat, and they had me go to the front counter to fill out my paperwork. And there was great inclusive language, all that good stuff. And on the paperwork, there was a place to say that I have someone with me, but I would like them to not come back with me, or I would like them to come back with me to the ultrasound, or there was another option that was like, they want to come back with me, but I don't want them to come with me. And obviously, the man that was with me is my husband, and I love him very much, and I want him to be there. But I understand that that's not always the case. I so appreciated that that was part of their process. And just, you know, like something from a previous public health student perspective that I felt was super positive. And also everyone there was so nice. You know, they were so sweet. Everyone I worked with was so sweet. So I don't want to be talking trash or anything, but I just wanted to share some interesting things that happened, to say the least. So to start, they had me go back without Nate to give them a urine sample and just confirm I was pregnant. But then they were like, hey, let's go into this room and we'll finish up your intake questionnaire. So this very nice lady comes in, and we're talking a little bit, and then she starts asking me questions. And these very quickly went from like general get to know you questions to very religious questions. Like, for example, she asked me if I believed that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. She asked me if I was baptized, when I was baptized, in what way was I baptized? Like very, very, very specific questions that had nothing to do with my health and nothing to do with the care that I was looking to get that day. So, you know, I was pretty uncomfortable at this point, which again, maybe sounds weird to say because I am Christian, I am religious, but I am not looking for my health care to provide a religious experience for me. I'm looking for my health care to provide me optimal, unbiased, unmotivated by anything other than my health and the health of my baby health care. And the other issue was that, like, I, like, other than feeling bombarded, I felt like when I was asked health care questions, I was worried that if I answered them in a way that they didn't like, that I may be denied the health care that I went there to receive. So again, like, I truly don't mean to overshare or slam or anything. I think what they were trying to do, like, as far as providing health care for free, is so great and admirable. And I really do understand that they were trying to do something additional that they saw as helpful. But I just I wanted to share my experience, especially being in Texas, especially as a Christian person, that even I was uncomfortable. And if they went much further with their questioning, I probably would have been like, honestly, like I cannot answer these questions, but I didn't ever feel like it crossed my boundary. But I just, I seriously, well, it kind of crossed my boundary, but it wasn't like I need to leave right now. It was just kind of uncomfy and unexpected. But I just, I could not stop thinking about someone who maybe would have come in, who wasn't Christian or religious or whatever, that were just trying to get a confirmation of pregnancy like I was. And they, I just kept thinking about how even more blindsided they would feel than I was. And again, like, I just wish that this clinic would have been more upfront, so that I, like, even I could have just, like, prepared myself a little bit more to be in that situation. So anyways, kind of weird thing. I just wanted to share. 

But I do also want to share about the actual confirmation ultrasound, because it was super sweet. So at that point, Nate is welcomed back to the back with me, and they tried to get an ultrasound on my stomach first. I found out that I have an anterior uterus, which just means it's tilted more towards my spine. And especially with how small everything was at the time, they just really couldn't get a clear image, and that was fine. Luckily, from talking to my sister-in-law, Jordan, who, you know, I had just seen a couple weeks before then, I found out that internal ultrasounding was a thing. I had never heard of it before, but it makes sense it's a thing, but I would have been super caught off guard if she hadn't mentioned that. So we did an internal ultrasound. The one that they used was like a little bit bigger than like a super tampon, so it really wasn't crazy, and they put a bunch of jelly on there or whatever. But I did not have a negative experience. I've talked to some friends since that have had not comfortable internal ultrasounds, so I'm grateful that it wasn't that bad for me, but I'm also grateful that like I had a little bit of an expectation going into it. So we do the ultrasound, and I at this point, I thought I was seven weeks pregnant. So I was expecting just to see like a little blob on the screen, and I was excited to see that little blob on the screen. But then they got the ultrasound going, and there was this whole little gummy bear of a person in there. And it turns out I was two weeks ahead of where I thought I was, which for one, I was so grateful for, because I'll talk a little bit about it after this. But at that point, I was feeling sick, and the days were just kind of melting together, and I felt like I had been sick for a really long time. And so to feel like I was two weeks, or to know that I was two weeks further into this pregnancy that I thought was so encouraging. And you guys, this little honey was so sweet. First of all, the ultrasound tech was so sweet. She was probably my favorite person in the whole clinic. And she said that our little baby was like one of the most active little nine-week-old babies she'd ever seen in her life. And who knows if she says that to everybody. But this little, this little bean was just flipping and flopping every which way. It was so cute. They were like moving. And at one point, like you could totally see their little hand, like looking like a little wave to us. And it was just, it was the best. It was such a highlight for sure. And it helped me feel like it was so real. And it was so special that Nate could be there with me, too. I failed to mention this before, actually. But before going to this appointment, I was pretty nervous because like the only thing that had told me that I was pregnant at this point was a positive pregnancy test and the symptoms I was feeling. But, you know, I'd heard enough stories to know that things like chemical pregnancies exist or that like, you know, miscarriages could happen without you really noticing or whatever. So I was really nervous, more so than I thought, or more so than I realized until afterwards. And then, you know, like having like a weird start to the appointment made me feel even more nervous, but then just to see this little person that I've been hanging out with for nine weeks without ever having seen was just so, so, so special. And it was definitely a turning point in the emotional journey of processing my pregnancy. And she, you know, our ultrasound again, so our ultrasound tech was so sweet. She printed us off like nine pictures and they immediately went up on the fridge. When we got home, they immediately went to the family group chats and they were just this special little ray of sunshine in our, in our lives at that point. But yeah, so I did get my confirmation of pregnancy, obviously. 

And so I could finally schedule my first midwife appointment. I have to say I was a little nervous to go to that hospital and see this midwife after like having gone to that clinic because they were like, well, you have to go to that clinic. That's the only place we'll accept a confirmation of pregnancy from. And so I was just nervous that like the same weird vibes from the clinic would carry over to this hospital. And Nate and I were just, we were totally on the same page of like, OK, let's meet this midwife because I did like her vibes. Like I picked her because I was able to like find a lot of good reviews about her. She had a video on her web page, and she just seemed like a really nice, bright, knowledgeable person. But we both agreed, like if there's any weirdness at all, we will look for a different doctor and try to go somewhere else because we might as well, we have like this insurance that will let us. And so we just, we were like, we were kind of going in with our guard up a little bit. And I also have to say, I was super empowered by all the women who have shared their stories on the podcast. My friends who haven't shared on the podcast, but have talked to me directly, who have told me over and over again, like be picky. So because of them, I went into this appointment ready to like stand up to myself, stand up for myself, or just like cut ties if anything was weird. But y'all, I have to say, I was blown away how much I liked this provider. Literally every nurse, every receptionist, everyone that we met there was so nice, so personable. They took their time explaining things to us. And so by the time we did all the intake stuff and everything, we were just so excited to meet our midwife. And when she came in the room, she was just this ball of energy. She totally lit up the space, and she just like, she got right to it. But I, it felt like, it felt like a family friend just like coming in and talking to me about my pregnancy. And like, it was so cute. She had a volleyball shirt on from the local high school. She was talking to us about how excited she was for game day. Her nails matched the color of her glasses. Like, just so, there's such good vibes. And she explained everything super well and to the point. And I didn't, again, I didn't feel like it was a script. I didn't feel disconnected. It just felt like a very professional, very warm person. And then she asked us if we had any questions. And I told her, I'm like, well, I kind of have like the, I'm kind of beginning with the end in mind. So a lot of my questions are about labor and delivery. And she's like, great, go for it. Ask me anything. And so I literally asked her like every question that was on my list of things that I wanted to know. And like I was able to take breaks and ponder. And I, you know, I was like, oh, wait, I can't remember this one thing or whatever. And she just sat there and she was just listening. And she like, she even like asked Nate, she's like, is there anything that you want to ask that you haven't been able to? And she just explained everything so well. And I just like, honestly, I felt like she is a person that if crab hit the fan, she wouldn't completely turn into a different person. I just feel like she has a personality that can like work in so many different situations. And like, in those moments, I don't want someone to sugar coat things for me, but I also know that I would not do well if they went into robot mode or whatever. And so I felt like she matched that middle ground really perfectly. And we got a glimpse of that because I went into the appointment planning on doing genetic testing, mostly just because I thought that's just kind of protocol or whatever. And I didn't have really strong feelings one way or the other. So I was like, yeah, why not? Fine, that's great. If you want to do genetic testing, that's fine. But then something that one of the nurses said suggested to me, it was much more up to me to choose. So I asked her about it. I was like, why would I not want to get genetic testing? I guess I just because I thought that that's just what you do. And she just super straightforwardly but warmly was like, yeah, actually, most people don't get genetic testing, unless there's a history of something in your family or whatever or other reason you may have. Like most people just don't do it. And she also explained it to me that, for the most part, it's not even a diagnosis. It's how likely you are to have something, like a marker on one of these genetic disorders or whatever. And even if something does come up, it's weeks and weeks until you can actually find out if that's actually the case until you're like 20 weeks along. And even then, like, you need to do an amniocentesis, which a lot of people don't want to do anyways. And so, you know, I thought back to Madeline's experience a couple episodes where she got that false trisomy 18 marker and how that just, like, loomed over her for weeks and weeks, and then it turned out to be a false positive anyways. So our midwife said, if you decide you want to do it, you could literally come in the next day. We draw your blood. We send it off. It's no big deal. But, you know, just think about who you are and how you react to things. And, you know, you can decide for yourself if that would be a helpful thing or if that would be a really stressful thing. And again, I just really appreciated how she explained that to me. It didn't feel biased. It just felt helpful and direct and personable. I feel like I keep saying that word. Whatever. I really like her if you can't tell. 

But yeah, in general, like my first trimester wasn't too bad, which I don't want to just leave it there. I also will say it wasn't too good either. Like it was it was hard. And I feel like sometimes the first trimester just is kind of not talked about a ton, other than the side, oh, you throw up a ton, which I will say I did throw up a ton. But I don't think we talk about a ton, because for a lot of people, the first trimester, you experience it kind of in secret, because for whatever reason, you're not sharing it with people, or you're processing things. But I was really, really surprised by a couple of things with my first trimester. So again, for one, the nausea, it didn't hit me until like eight weeks, seven, eight weeks. Before then, I would feel like extremely hungry between meals, to the point where I'd kind of feel sick, which I feel like was something that I had experienced before. But then when I would eat, it would go away. But then I would feel hungry sooner than I would have otherwise. And so I remember like when I told my sister-in-law Jordan, I was like, yeah, and I haven't even thrown up yet. And then I jinxed it and I started throwing up. And it wasn't honestly too bad. And sweet Nate, he's just the sweetest. He had never seen me throw up before then. But no matter what, every time, like he would stop what he was doing and run into the bathroom to hold my hair or like rub my back or whatever. And just, just so sweet. And you know, if I got sick while he was at work, he would be like, I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you. And so I was so grateful to like have his support in that. And a couple of things that helped were these like, I should have looked up the actual name of them. They're like preggy pop drop, something silly. And like they look, they look like the label was made on like Microsoft Word. And I got them from Walmart. My friend Angel put me on to them. So shout out to Angel. They work so well for some reason. They just taste like a lollipop, but they have been so helpful for me. I did ginger chews for the first couple weeks, and then they just got so, they became too much. Like the texture and the strong ginger flavor and everything. So those are amazing. I also found that bean and cheese burritos were like my lifeline. Like this baby was built off of bean and cheese burritos. I would wake up and my one task when I woke up was bean and cheese burrito. Make a bean and cheese burrito. Because if I could get one into my body quick enough and like have the protein of the beans and everything, it really helped me. And then the other thing that like just helped me fill my stomach so that I didn't become sick from not eating was ramen. Okay, like those two foods were my lifeline. 

And it was also hard because I just, it was so hard to put more on Nate. Like I said, he works 10 hours a day at the dealership that he works at. And then he started school again. So he would literally go from having these long days at work to having late nights doing homework and everything. And I was so grossed out. Like I could not do the dishes. Like I could hardly eat, let alone like clean food off of plates. Our fridge was like so gross to me, even though he was like, I literally don't smell anything. I was like, it's rotten and horrible and everything. And so like in between that, he's trying to take care of me. And I just felt so guilty. Like he was so sweet and perfect and everything. But I struggled to not be productive, and I struggled to not feel like I was pulling my weight and everything. And he was so sweet to always try to remind me, you are literally creating a human today. And I'm like, I know, I know. But still, I could do more. I wish I could do more. And really that was the hardest part of the first trimester was the emotional side of things. Like that week before the ultrasound, I was just so... I just felt like I was living the same day over and over again. We're like, I would wake up. And from the minute I woke up to when I fell back asleep that night, my one job was to try to not to throw up. It was emotional. It was hard. And I was so much more overwhelmed at times with the prospect of like, oh, my gosh, it would be quiet. And I'd be watching like a TV show, and I'd just made myself lunch and whatever. And then I'd have these moments where I'm like, oh, my gosh, I will literally never experience this again. Like, the minute I have a baby, I will never have any time to myself and whatever. And obviously, like, that's not 100% true. But I kept kind of getting hit with these, like, these truth bombs of like, well, things are about to change in a major way. And I still, like, that still is like a scary thought to me, but I can like meet it with more confidence now of like, yeah, no, life is gonna change a lot. But I like, and building this team of support, not even just my doctors at this point, but just friends and family and like plans and all these things like to help me not just go in blind, I guess is all I'm saying. 

But I want to say some things I've loved about pregnancy. I feel such a strong connection to Nate. He is literally the best person ever. Like, I cannot, like, I cannot imagine doing this with anybody else. He told me that the other day, he works with some interesting people sometimes, and he was saying that one of his kind of scummy co-workers, when Nate told him that we were pregnant, his co-worker was like, oh, well, that sucks. Like, you're never going to find your wife attractive again. Like, I sure haven't found my wife attractive since she had her kids. And Nate was just like, I wanted to slap that guy. And he told me, he's like, you have literally never been more beautiful to me, and you will never be more beautiful to me than when you bring our child into the world, because you literally created life with your body, and that's like goddess behavior. I don't think he said goddess behavior. I'm like paraphrasing. But again, just so sweet. He's just been so wonderful. And I'm already an emotional person. And then add the hormones. I've been bawling my eyes out at any given thing, and he's just so tender and so sweet and perfect. 

The other thing is I felt super motivated to eat well and exercise as I've crested into this second trimester, like, and I don't feel like garbage all the time, the, like, previous student athlete in me freaking loves it. Like, sometimes the prospect of, like, yeah, just eat healthy and exercise for the rest of your life until you die to be healthy. I'm like, okay, that literally does nothing to motivate my little ADHD brain or whatever, but to have, like, a time frame and an event and, like, a goal to work towards, ah, it feels so freaking good. And so, like, there's this part of me that I honestly haven't been able to tap into in a very long time that is just, like, so excited with this, that I did not expect at all. Another thing that I love about pregnancy is that I am pregnant with so many people that I love right now. And it is, it has added to the joy so much. So, you know, my sister-in-law, we're very close. Our due dates are super close. My best friend growing up, she's due a couple weeks, er, like a month or two before me. And she has been, like, my guru of being like, hello, I have reached halfway point. Here's a couple of things that I learned. Anyways, how are you on your journey? I'm like, oh my gosh, you are my goddess. You are my light. Love that. She's amazing. I have a super sweet cousin that I just found out is, like, due a couple weeks before me, which is so fun. I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a long time that just found out that she's pregnant. Like, it is it is a fertile year, y'all. I don't know what is going on. I don't know what they're putting in that water, but it has been such a joy and such like a moment of of girlhood and like connectedness. It adds so much. 

But yeah, and then my other favorite part of pregnancy is that every ultrasound is literally the best thing to have ever happened to me. Okay, I already mentioned earlier how sweet it was to see this little person on our confirmation ultrasound and just seeing like this little being that was already so active at just nine weeks old. It just it truly helped everything feel so much more real. And it like gave my nausea and all the emotions of everything like more value because I knew that all of that was going towards making that little person possible. So, yeah, I'm like, okay, I can deal with this because look how cute and active and sweet they are. And then we also had a quick ultrasound at our first appointment with our midwife. It was cool. She had an ultrasound wand hooked up to an iPad. So she brought it over to us and just briefly checked everything. She was trying to find the heartbeat that day, but because I had an anterior uterus, she could see it, but we just couldn't hear it, which was fine. But it was still so fun to just see our little baby again. And they were just as active as they were during that first ultrasound, which is so cute. I'm like, oh, this is just part of their little fun personality. They're just so excited to be here. And so it was so tender. I wish that we could have gotten a picture of the baby that day, but it's really not that big of a deal. We will have and already have had a lot more opportunities to see baby and get pictures and everything. So no big deal. And then I don't think I ever ended up saying, but Nate and I just decided to not go for genetic testing that day after that first appointment. But I will say I'd gotten myself pretty psyched about finding out the gender from genetic testing. 

Up into that point, I hadn't really even wanted to know the gender of our baby. Like I keep saying over and over again, I have been wanting to take this pregnancy as slowly as I've needed to. And I had a lot of friends that were doing the sneak peek tests and finding out, I like six weeks and eight weeks and 10 weeks. And I had just no desire at that point in my pregnancy to find out because I just, I was pretty adamant that I did not want to feel like I was trudging through any of these fun parts of pregnancy. Like I had hope that the really difficult nausea days and difficult emotional days would become less and less as I got further away from that first trimester. And so I just did not want to announce that we were pregnant while I wasn't feeling well. I didn't even want to start my registry while I wasn't feeling well. And so I really did not want to do that super fun milestone of finding out the gender of our baby while not feeling well. But by the time that we had that first appointment, I was already starting to feel a little bit better. And I had done the math of like, okay, if we did the genetic testing, it would take two weeks to get the results back. And I would be leaving the first trimester right as we got the results. And I was just kind of getting ready to go from like the survival mode of my pregnancy to the thrival mode of my pregnancy at that point. Plus, my mom was coming into town a couple weeks after that, and I was like, okay, hold on. It would be so great to know if I'm having a boy or girl before she comes into town, so that when she's here, we can just like lean into it. You know, we can like go a little cray cray. We can like fully enjoy this time that we have together, because, you know, once the holidays come and everything, like who knows when we'll be able to just have this time to just be excited about the fact that I'm pregnant together. And so anyways, all of that came together to bring us to a place where I was like, I, you know, I just want to know the gender. So we decided to go to an imaging place that just does ultrasounds kind of for fun. And their gender reveal package was way cheaper than a blood test. And so I was like, well, let's just do that. So on a weekend, Nate and I went to this little office and it was so tender to get to see the baby and just like have an entire appointment dedicated to looking at the baby and just basking in the joy of having this ultrasound together. And we were able to hear the baby's heart rate for the first time there, which again, just added another level of like, oh my gosh, this is happening. This is the best. There's this little honey in there. However, our baby is a very prim and proper little person, and they did not want to uncross their legs for us. We ended up actually having to go to this place three separate times to get a clear image of this baby. And I will say, the first time we didn't get it, I was sad. I was disappointed. And like, you know, add the extra hormones on top of that, and it made a little disappointment and to a little cry on the way home. But everyone at the clinic was so nice, and we ended up actually seeing a different ultrasound tech every time we went for a rescan. And the one who finally got the image is literally our hero. Nate couldn't go to the third scan because we didn't want him to miss work. So it was just myself and our amazing tech Sabrina. Shout out, Sabrina. She actually has two sons that work with Nate. And so we had that sweet little connection. And when we found that out, she was like, okay, well, not that I had any doubts beforehand, but now for sure, we're getting this picture of this baby because my friends do not come in here and leave empty handed. Like you are going to get this answer today. And so y'all, after an hour plus of twisting and turning and coughing and drinking water and going to the bathroom and jumping up and down and everything, moving my legs, different positions, we finally got the image that we needed. I swear, I like felt a little sore where the wand kept having to go for a day or two after because Homegirl was helping us out. She was not going to let me leave empty handed, like she said. And she had me close my eyes any time she got into range of getting the image that she needed. 

So I left with the little surprise envelope and so I had to go straight to the bakery. So I wasn't tempted to open the envelope because I did not realize how tempting it would be until it was right there in my hands. I'm like, oh my gosh, the answer, my baby's fate, everything is in this little envelope that's just sitting next to me. So I went to the bakery. We went with Walmart and y'all, they made us the cutest vintage heart cake in less than 48 hours. We did not give them very much time, just timing, logistics, and everything, but they were so sweet to work with. They were so excited. We like bounced ideas off of each other, and the freaking cake was less than 20 bucks, and it was good. Like, I'm not even that much of a cake person, and it was good. So, you know, Walmart, not a sponsor yet. But highly, highly recommend them. Seriously. So anyways, it was so fun, and our gender reveal party was just such a dream come true. We really did not want to do anything crazy. We wanted to keep it super simple and just have a fun little thing that we could do together. And since both of our parents live out of state from us, we felt like it was super important for them to be able to find out at the exact same time together. Like the way that they were able to find out at the exact same time together about the pregnancy itself. So we planned a little Zoom call with everybody, and my siblings that live in Texas were actually able to come out and be there in person, which we weren't really expecting to be a possibility. It was like the night before school, and one of my siblings lives multiple hours away, but they were in the area already, and so it just worked out perfectly that we got together for like an hour. And it was just such a sweet, loving time. 

We had a little theme, I guess you could say, for our gender reveal party. Our cake said, How We Wonder What You Are from Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. And we also had little gold stars on the cake. Nate and I were both wearing like creamy and gold colors. And it was just so simple and lovely. It had been raining all day, and the sun came out like 30 minutes beforehand. So we were able to like do it as the sun was setting. It was just so sweet. So we had pulled our family to see who was team boy and who was team girl. And it was like a 50-50 split down the middle. Nate has always been on team girl. If he had it his way, we would only have girls. He just wants to be a girl dad, which I think is so cute. It's like such a little green flag thing of his. It just matches his personality so well. It's so cute. I had been on team boy for a while, mostly because I just thought it would be ironic if I as the only girl had a boy first, because all my brothers have had girls first. And so I was like, oh, that would just be so funny, so ironic. But as we were getting closer to the reveal, I started to have a hard time imagining it being anything other than a girl. In fact, my friend Maddie, who was on the podcast, we were talking to her about it, and she has a perfect record of guessing the correct gender for her friends. She's like 11 for 11. And so she said that we were having a girl, and Nate was so pumped. And so there was this added level like, man, are we going to be the ones to break the streak? 

Well, we did not break the streak. We are having a little baby girl! Oh my gosh, I seriously beam every time I say it. It just feels so right. Like, oh my gosh, see? These emotions, like we're just so over the moon to have this sweet little girl joining us. And we have just been levitating off the ground since finding out. Man, sorry. Not sorry, but I'm just so excited to have this little girl. And especially as I've been trying to embrace girlhood more, and just like tap back into those things that just like a deep part of me loves, I am so excited to have a little friend to share that with. And I feel very humbled to be bringing a girl into the world, especially a world that's not always as gentle and as soft and kind as I'd want a little girl to experience. Oh, guys. But I know that she's strong, and I know that we are going to grow together so much. And I am so excited to see Nate as a dad. After everybody left the party, Nate and I were just laying on the couch, and he had his arm around me, and he put his hand on the baby, and was just talking to her, and talking about her. And I really think, like, having a girl is helping him feel even more excited to be a dad. Not that he wouldn't have loved a boy. I think he was just so nervous. Like, he's the oldest in his family, and he just, I think he was nervous that he would, like, mess up if he had a boy first. Which, you know, we're going to mess up either way. We're first time parents. All parents mess up a kajillion times. But I think for him and for me, having a girl first just seems like the introduction to parenting that we need. And he is just, he loves so many of the most beautiful parts of life. And he cherishes, like, beautiful places and thoughtful creations and all that stuff. And I hope that we have a boy someday so that he can foster that in our son. But I know that he's just so excited to share that beauty of the world with a little daughter. And so, oh my gosh, I have to pause. I like can't stop crying. Okay. I think we're good. I think we're in the clear. But I'm just so excited. 

And on a lighter note, I am very excited to start the Pinterest boards, the registry, you know, just start really preparing for this baby girl and just like enjoying it, you know? Like, there's so many things to be stressed about, and I am positive I will be more stressed in the future. But I'm really just, I'm just so excited to really just let this dream unfold before us more fully and to lean into the excitement even more. Yeah, it just feels like the beginning of go time, honestly. And I can't wait to continue to share this journey with y'all. It's been so sweet to reflect on this journey so far. I'm so grateful that I have this space where I can celebrate and process and learn and grow with all of y'all's love and support. 

You know, so I'm, like I said, I'm sure there's things I didn't cover that you're curious about or whatever. I would love to keep talking about it. Obviously, I'm just like, I'm so excited. And so I'll have a little question box up on my Instagram, or you can send me a question if the question box has expired by the time you hear this. I may not answer every question, but I'm excited to hear y'all's thoughts and continue to share my journey as we celebrate the journey of my mom friends. Oh, that reminds me, I need your help to figure out my new label for myself, I guess you'd say, because I'm not a non-mom anymore. So I need your help to know what I should call myself, because I can't decide. I like not partial one way or another. So in a couple days from now, after the Q&A is done, I'll put up another question box of my story or a poll or something. And honestly, I am also just so excited to be feeling better in general and to have more energy to put towards the podcast. I'm so grateful for y'all's unwavering support during all of this. I definitely feel like I had to put a couple of things on the back burner as I just got through my first trimester. And so I'm so excited to be more engaged with y'all and to really just get back in the saddle with the podcast more fully. So buckle in because we're back in action and the podcast is just going to bloom from here. And I'm so excited. Thank you so much for listening to my rambling. It was seriously so sweet and special. And I can't wait to share this with my sweet daughter someday just so that she knows how excited we were for her and how loved she was from day one. So, friend, will I see you same time next week? 

K, love you, bye!