Polyhydramnios Induction + Redemptive Water Birth | Maddie’s Birth Stories

Meet Maddie

How would you know that? How would you know that my baby's right there? And so I lifted up and I looked at her and I said, I don't know what you're talking about. And then I just went back to what I was doing.

Hey y'all, welcome back to The Labor Line, a non-mom's authentic look into the birth experiences of her mom friends. I'm your host, Emily, and today I'm joined by my friend, Maddie, who I met just a few months ago when Nate and I moved into the Austin area. She and I met through mutual friends at church, and as you'll see, she's just one of those people that are super easy to talk to. We attended a couple of girls' nights together, and truly without even really trying, we just became friends. And so I also think it was at one of those girls' nights or get-togethers that Nate and I first met her husband as well, her husband Zach, and we got to see how they parent their kids. And I think I say it later in our conversation, but I'll just say it again. Nate and I admire them so much. They work in such great unison. They parent in such intentional ways. And it was just something that was like really powerful to see in, you know, among our peers, you know, I have some awesome examples in my life as well, but just like right off the bat, that was something that really stuck out to us about them. And so I was so excited when Maddie came to me and agreed to be on the podcast because I knew there was just a treasure trove there. And as you'll see, that is absolutely the case. It is such an incredible story that she has for us today.

Her birth experiences truly could not be more different from one another, too. Her first experience, she was super uncomfortable with polyhydrominoes, which is something I never heard of. It's a condition where she had a ton of excess amniotic fluid, and then that led to, are you ready for this? Three days of hospital labor. Yeah, three days. And like 48 hours of that, she did unmedicated. So that's her first story, just to kind of give you a sneak peek, absolutely wild. And then from that, she had a redemptive unmedicated birth in a birth center with her second, that ended with just three minutes of pushing. I think she says it took like 15 hours from start to finish. So truly could not be more different. Her stories are just so amazing. Unfortunately, she also endured a miscarriage at seven weeks in between those two experiences. But I have to say her insights into that time and into that emotional journey were so powerful. And so I'm just so grateful for the genuine spirit that she brings to the podcast today. Also, before we just before we get into the conversation, I wanted to say that if there's a topic that is difficult for you to hear about, like, for example, today, there'll be a good chunk of the episode where we talk about miscarriage in depth. I have chapters marked in every episode, and there's like a brief little summary of what we're talking about and when we're talking about it. So if, you know, you're wanting to listen to a story, but you may not necessarily want to hear certain parts for whatever reason, you can refer to the chapters and skip any sections that maybe you're just not wanting to hear right now. And so we just want this space to be a place where you can come and feel as loved and as welcomed as possible. So I just wanted to point that out. I didn't know if everyone knew about that. Also, kind of where you'll find those chapters is the show notes are the show notes. And whenever one of my friends mentions a resource by name, I'll have that linked in the show notes. And I'll also have it highlighted on my Instagram. I need to add it as like a forever highlight. So don't let me forget to do that. But I want you all to have a list of all these amazing resources that people mention so that you can add that to your tool belt or share it with friends. So anyways, just those two things. I think that's all as far as housekeeping items, but this is truly just such a great conversation. I don't want to prolong it any longer. So let's jump to it. 

Welcome to the podcast, Maddie. I'm so grateful that you're here to share your experiences with us today. Tell us a little bit about yourself and your cute family and what you've been up to recently.

Maddie with Jay & Winnie

So my name is Maddie. My husband and I have been married for about five and a half years. We moved to Texas about three years ago. We have two kids, a three and a half year old, and now a six week old. And yeah, right now, we're just getting through early postpartum. We're only six weeks in. So it's the beginning of figuring everything out. But I think we're finally getting back to a new normal. And I'm excited to be at home with my kids and go back to being a stay at home mom.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, you absolutely win the award for freshest mom that's been on the podcast. So I'm so grateful for you being so willing to share your experience, especially, you know, having had one just so recently. And it's just so special to see how your family dynamic has changed in the past six weeks. You know, your oldest, he's still just a little boy, but he has this air about him now of like, oh, yes, I'm a big brother and he's rocking it. And it's just so tender to see each of y'all growing together in that way.

For sure. He's grown up a lot. It's crazy how your first kid seems like such a baby until you have another one and then you're like, you're not a baby anymore. You're a full kid now.

Yeah. Like, do you feel like that was something that, like, switched before your second was born? Or was it like he felt like a little baby until you had a new baby in your arms? Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah. No, we definitely wanted to wait to have our second until we felt like he was not a baby anymore. I wanted to soak in him being a baby as long as I could. And I would say about three, I was like, okay, you're not a baby, you're not a toddler anymore. Like as soon as he started sleeping in a bed, he was potty trained, all of those things. He definitely seemed like a kid. But there is something about just a level of maturity, I feel like, that I hadn't noticed until he was then a big brother and realizing just truly how independent he is and how much we've grown in the past, both of us, in the past three and a half years, now that I'm starting over and he's continuing on to grow and whatnot.

Yeah, that's such an interesting and beautiful reflection. I feel like I'm on the younger side of my family and I obviously don't have kids of my own. And so I don't know how that transition would be up close, but even just from the experiences with my nieces and nephews becoming big sisters and siblings, there is just something. I don't know. I don't know if it's just our perception or if they can sense... I'm sure they can sense something's different too. And so it's just sweet how everyone just, like you're saying, everyone just kind of continues forward together, even though it's a new experience. So that's so tender.

Yeah, it's been fun.

Deciding to Have Kids

Yeah. Well, I would love to know, how did you all initially even feel ready to have kids? Was it something that you all talked about a ton or is it just kind of something that naturally unfolded as y'all, as you and your husband progressed in your marriage?

I have always wanted to be a mom. Like that is my, you know, down to my soul. I have always loved babysitting. I've always loved working with kids. That's pretty much all my jobs have involved. I was in early childhood development for several years, specifically with infants and toddlers. Like, I love babies, I love kids. Being a mom was like just a big desire of mine, which is something Zach knew, you know, when we got married as I was like, I'm not, I'm gonna want to have kids sooner than later. I'm not saying as soon as we get married, but not five years down the road, you know? And so that was something getting married, we discussed a lot, not having necessarily a certain timeline, just what felt right. And I want to say, it was kind of about 2020, because everything sort of stopped. We had been doing school and working full time, like we had just been so busy, and having kind of that pause in time, I was kind of like, we're not working, we're not doing school. And so it was something, you know, we really started to consider and talk about, and what was the next five years gonna look like if we were going to have kids? Definitely something we prayed about a lot. That was a big thing for us. And yeah, it just felt right. I mean, it helped that my whole job was working with babies and learning about babies. So I've felt very confident in that. I can't say that we necessarily knew everything about how to prepare our marriage for a baby. I will say, I feel like we've done good and we've handled it well. But I do feel like it just felt like the right timing and something we had discussed long before we got married and all throughout our marriage, if that makes any sense.

No, absolutely. Absolutely. For that to be kind of established from the beginning, and being like, okay, this is roughly what we're feeling and just keeping yourself open to that. And then, like you said, when everything slowed down, I know for a lot of people, it created this window of opportunity of like, okay, well, if our marriage and everything can withstand a crazy global pandemic, then maybe we can take this next step, which like you said, like it's hard to know how to prepare a marriage for that on the outset. But for y'all to be unified in that from the beginning, I think is a great first step. I mean, and just from the outside looking in, Nate and I just like, we totally just, I don't want to say like, worship y'all because that sounds bad. But we just like, I guess the word is admire. We just very much admire y'all and like just very unified, it seems like. And super, super sweet, a super, super sweet team between you and Zach. So that's fun to kind of get a little peek on how it all began. But speaking of which, how did that first pregnancy go for you? Talk us through the beginning when you found out, all the way to your experience with that.

1st Pregnancy: Exhaustion + Polyhydramnios

That was kind of crazy. I, again, I felt like I knew so much about babies that I thought I knew so much, and I realized I knew nothing about being a mom. And those are two very different things.

Interesting.

We got pregnant immediately, which was kind of a surprise. We were actually expecting it, which was great. It definitely made things a little trickier for the second because I kind of had a little bit of unrealistic expectations. But I hadn't really prepared my body as well. I hadn't prepared much mentally as well either. I mean, we were just coming out of COVID. We hadn't been doing much. And so it created this opportunity of just peace and calm and, you know, not things going crazy. There wasn't much going on. But I will say I was maybe a little lazy during that time. I was enjoying that peace and calm a little too much. So suddenly when I was pregnant, I was like, oh, I, you know, should be eating better and I should be working out and trying to jumpstart that when you feel so sick, so nauseous was definitely a challenge. So yeah, I was not expecting my first trimester was rough. It was hard. It just, again, being super nauseous. We took several trips at the time, which was super fun. We were, you know, hiking through Alaska and ziplining through Belize in my first trimester.

That's awesome!

Yeah. Honestly, it helped a little bit taking my mind off of it, but trying to introduce, you know, a new diet and new exercise and all of that. When I hadn't pre-prepared myself was a little bit jarring. And there were like several nights where I just, I hadn't eaten all day because nothing sounded good, but then I was nauseous because I hadn't eaten all day, but then nothing sounded good because I was nauseous and just trying to figure out something to eat and deal with. So that was kind of the first trimester. You know, second trimester was good, pretty easygoing. So in the third trimester, it got a little trickier. He was still breach near the end. And they also, I was measuring really large and I kept telling them, I was like, I am really struggling to breathe. Like I cannot breathe. And they're like, oh, it just seems like you have a big baby. Like it's totally normal. And I was like, I'm like, feel like something is sitting on my chest all the time. I cannot breathe. And because he was still breach, I went in to get an ultrasound to see if he was flipped. And they realized I had polyhydrominoes, which is I was creating way too much amniotic fluid. So I was just so big, not because he was big. I just had tons and tons of fluid. And it caused a lot of swelling. And everything kind of went from 0 to 100. It almost felt at that point because before then, I was kind of planning to go into labor naturally. And I wasn't necessarily planning an unmedicated birth, but I was like, whatever feels good at the time kind of thing. But I definitely did not want to be induced. And they were like, this greatly increases your chances for stillbirth and kind of all of this stuff. And so I went and got non-stress tests and he was doing fine. He was doing great. I was doing great. But my doctor, oh, I should mention his birth, his due date was Christmas Day. And so my doctor was just like, hey, I really think you need to get induced. And I was like, I really don't want to be induced. I really don't want to go through that. And he's like, I know, I know. He's like, and started, you know, giving me all this information that, you know, really overwhelmed me. Originally, I realized how much, how little you really know about birth. Like you kind of go to the OB, they check your weight, they listen to baby. And I mean, it depends on your OB for sure. But at least my experience was check my weight, listen to baby, okay, great. And sent me off. And I really, I didn't know much about what was going on. I didn't know how to prepare my diet, what I should be taking, or what I should be exercising, what medications I could or couldn't be taking. It was so almost like overwhelming to suddenly be like, wait, I wanna know what's going on with my body. I wanna know, you know, what I can do to help myself, to help my baby. So we did birth bootcamp, which I didn't know at the time was like an unmedicated birth class. But I kind of loved it because it kind of gave me this, it wasn't originally my plan, but it gave me these two different sides of the coin that I could then kind of decide what I felt comfortable with birth wise. But it was amazing because it did talk about diet, it did talk about exercise, it did talk about comfort measures and labor, it talked about, you know, every piece of pregnancy and different complications. And it was really great for my husband, because he learned how he could be involved in the birth and pregnancy and whatnot. So yeah, up until then, when we found out about the polyhydrominoes, that was something I hadn't prepared for. That was something I hadn't learned about because it was a little more rare. It wasn't the run of the mill stuff. I had learned about all the tests I was going to undergo and all of those basic things, but it was something new. So I felt a little bit caught off guard and overwhelmed by all this information he was giving me at once. And so we scheduled an induction.

1st Labor: Induction, 3 DAYS of Labor, & Epidural

And actually, I went in for this induction and the nurses were like, so we're calling this an elective induction because you really don't need it. And I was like, hold on. I was like, the doctor holds me. Now I'm going to have a stillbirth if I don't do this. I was just so overwhelmed. And they were like, yeah, your percentage does increase, but your non-stress tests were great. He was totally fine. So really, this is an elective induction. They were like, he probably didn't want to deliver on Christmas. And I was like, okay.

That was honestly kind of my thought when you brought up that his due date was on Christmas. Like, you should induce. Sadly, that was kind of a thought because I've heard of that happening. So what day did you go in for that induction? And did you go through with it after they told you that it was elective?

Yeah. I mean, at that point, I was so done with the pregnancy anyway. I was so big. My body hurt so bad. I just ached all of the time. I would literally, every night, be on my hands and knees in the shower, hot water pouring on my back because it hurts so bad. It was so hard. So yeah, I was already there. I was like, I'm going through with this. I'm going to get induced. So I got induced at 39 weeks, 39 in a few days. So I went in on December 19th. Yeah, I went in on December 19th and had him three days later.

Foreshadowing in the worst way.

That's horrible. Yeah. It was so long. And initially I was like, I don't, you know, I want to put off an epidural as long as possible. I would love to be able to get up and move and do stuff. But getting put on Pitocin is intense. It's a lot happening. And then on top of it, there's, you know, the cascade of interventions. Once you kind of start one thing, then if you're not progressing fast enough, they kind of, you know, suggest more things. And some push a little bit harder than others to try more things. So I was on pitocin and I wasn't really progressing super fast. And I was just kind of in pain. So they gave me a Foley catheter, which is like this little balloon that they put on either side of your uterus and that they then inflate to try and force your cervix to dilate. And that was by far the worst pain that I've ever been. It was absolutely miserable. I went from just a little bit of contractions, it was uncomfortable, not to like, I could not get a clear thought out. I was just in so much pain. I remember Zach supporting my weight because I was kind of in a squat trying to like feel through things. And it was either him or my mom was like, what do you need? What can I do for you? And I was just like, make it stop. Which I still went through it. I still, they kind of, I'm trying to think of what, they gave me some sort of medication that calmed me down. It didn't numb the pain, but it calmed me down until that fell out. And then it kind of takes you to a four. And then I was just stuck at a four and I was there forever. And they kept coming in to give me cervical checks and I would literally be bawling. I would be like, please, please do not give me a cervical check. Like I would like full body shakes, was like wanting to throw up afterwards. They were so painful. They were miserable. And I was like, this can't be helping you doing this. And they'd just be like, I know, I know. How about, how about in 10 minutes we do it? We'll do one in 10 minutes. And then, and eventually I just like, okay, like we'll do one in 10 minutes. So yeah, I stayed at a four for a really long time. Then they decided to break my water, which was kind of crazy with the amount of fluid I had.

Yeah.

They initially broke it and they're like, oh, that's not much more than usual. Like it was a little bit more, but it wasn't. And then she was, you know, checking my vitals and everything. And I said, I was like, I think I'm peeing. And she lifts up my gown and it's just pouring out. And she's like, no, there's the rest of your amniotic fluid. Oh my gosh. And it just like poured forever. But yeah, they did that. And then the last six hours of my labor, I finally was like, I'm so exhausted. It's been days. I haven't been allowed to eat in days because once they start you on pitocin, they don't want you eating. So I hadn't been allowed to eat in days. I hadn't slept because I was just in so much pain. So then I got the epidural and it was a strong epidural. I did not learn until after, at least from what I've been told, you should still be able to kind of like move with an epidural. You should still be able to get up and feel some pressure. I felt absolutely nothing. Like I had to have my mom and my husband like lift my hips and move them for me and everything. Like it was just so strong, which was nice because I finally slept and everything. But it definitely was a big reason as to why I was like, I don't want an epidural. Like I want to be up and moving. I hated being kind of stuck in that position. But yeah, with the epidural went from a 6 to 10 super quickly. And then I pushed for three hours and that was a long three hours. And I guess the same doctor, because I kind of had two different doctors that were kind of rotating in. So the same doctor that told me I need to get induced, I guess he walked out of the room before I even started pushing, he walked out of the room and told the nurse, she's gonna end up getting a C-section. Because he just thought I was gonna give up.

Thanks dude, jeez.

It wasn't until after I had a nurse that I absolutely adored and after I gave birth, she was like, he didn't believe in you. He walked out and said, you're gonna get a C-section. You did it. You're so strong. And I was like, thank you. But yeah, push for three hours and they definitely were just waiting for me to give that I'm exhausted. Let's move to a C-section. But I was determined.

That is amazing.

Yeah. And the whole time his heart rate was dropping. So that added another like, it's been three hours and every push his heart rate's dropping. But he was delivered vaginally with a nice cone head as they do. He was all wrapped up in his cord, which was the reasoning for his heart rate dropping and everything. 

1st Postpartum: No Sleep + Cross-Country Move

But yeah, after that, everything was great. Actually, my mom and baby care was not great. That was a little bit rough. I just kind of felt abandoned. But yeah, and then we ended up at six weeks old, when he was six weeks old, moving from Utah to Texas.

Whoa.

I think about that now because she's six weeks today, and we moved with him at six weeks today. And I was like, how did I pack up a whole house and move in those six weeks?

Seriously, especially it wasn't like, it wasn't like, oh, run of the mill type birth either. Like, that's an intense thing for your body to have gone through. And moving in general is just the absolute worst. And so to do that with him, that is wild. I did not know that.

And then, of course, Christmas was a couple of days later, and we lived in a basement apartment, and we had family that lived above us. So I was walking up and down stairs right after birth. I was, like, doing all the things. So I did not let my body rest. And I paid for it, for sure.

Man. Well, so when he was actually born, was it something where, like, did you just feel super out of it? I feel like I would have felt so out of it after three days of labor. Or was it, like, a grounding moment in the midst of just, like, that hazy three days of labor?

Yeah, it was just a massive relief. It was just, I was trying not to, like, bawl out of just relief. Like, I was just so happy to have him there, so happy. Like I said the other day, the first thing I kind of said, they placed him on my chest, but he wasn't really crying yet. And so they were like, you know, his Apgar was great and everything, but they were still checking him out, but he wasn't really crying yet. So they were doing a lot of stuff to him. And I was like, am I allowed to touch him? Like, am I allowed? And everybody was like, yes, like, you can touch him. You can. So, you know, just, and I really just touched his fingers at first. Like, it wasn't a full body just snuggling my baby. It was, and even that, like, I was, you know, holding back tears, just the relief, the excitement to have him there. Also, so, Zach, my husband passes out at the sight of blood sometimes, and so we really didn't know how the birth experience was going to be for him. And so originally, my mom was going to cut the cord. And so when it came time to cut the cord, my mom asked Zach, she was like, do you want to do it? And he was like, yeah, I'll do it. And everybody in the room started cheering for him. And I was like, you know, this is great for him and everything, but I am the one who just gave birth.

Like, seriously, yeah.

But I was very proud of him. I'm glad he did not pass out or anything. He did great. But yeah, it's a night and day difference from my daughter's birth for sure.

Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing your experience with Jay. That is like absolutely wild. A three day long labor. And for you, you said you got the epidural like near the end.

Yeah, the last six hours.

That I mean, hello. Like, do you have a bronze statue in your honor somewhere? Because you need like I will start a GoFundMe retroactively because that is psycho. And you're amazing to do that. I was exhausted.

That turkey sandwich they gave me after actually was the best thing I had ever eaten at the time.

Oh, my gosh. That sounds so good right now. I can't even imagine after that, like, absolute like near death, seemingly like experiencing.

It felt that way.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it helps that Jay is just like the cutest little like, he's just like a little dude, you know, he's just sweet and, you know, so worth it. But, yep, for sure. If he's ever giving you trouble in his teenage years, you call me and I'll play this part back to him and be like, listen, bucko, like, get a reality check.

So I will hold you to that.

Yeah, no, I'm so serious. We will all hold him accountable.

That 99th percentile head.

Oh, my gosh. Just to add it, just add it to the pile of insanity.

Yes, yeah, for sure.

Miscarriage: Grief + Emotional Support

Well, I'd love to lead in to your next experience if you feel ready to move on.

Yes. I thought I was going to be the person that, like, as soon as my baby was six months old, I was going to want to have another one. And I found myself, you know, just wanting to soak in him being a baby as long as possible. And he was super easygoing. Besides sleep, he did not sleep well. But other than that, he was, you know, super easygoing. And he really just felt like our little buddy that we just kind of took everywhere. It felt less like, you know, this was our kid or baby that we had to set aside our life for. He just felt like he just melded into our life. And he was just our little buddy that went everywhere. So, I mean, we took him to Italy. We took him to Switzerland. Took him to the British Isles.

Oh, my gosh.

He just kind of went with us everywhere. We had, you know, the best time. So, I wanted to soak in him being a baby as long as I could until he truly did not feel like a baby anymore. And I had actually originally wrote a note on my own. I wrote a note, and then I was like, Zach, you need to hold me to this. And I was like, I will not ask for another baby until he's at least 18 months old. And by the time he was 18 months old, I was not asking for another baby. I was, you know, I was almost scared. I was like, life is so peaceful right now. Life feels so good right now. Like, maybe we could just have one. Like, do I really want to add a whole other life into this? And the thing about a baby is you really don't know what you're gonna get. Like, they're a little bit of me and a little bit of you, but you really don't know how that's gonna turn out. And because I had worked with babies so long, I knew we had this like almost golden child, how easy going he was. Again, except for sleep. I will say he did not sleep through the night until he was 18 months old. And that, that was a struggle. Um, so at about two years old, he still, you know, felt like a baby, but I was like, I think we need to start thinking about another kid and what that looked like. And again, we went to prayers and, you know, constant discussions and how we felt and how things felt. And I almost felt nervous. Like every time I'd pray, I'd be like, please be no, please, please let it be no.

That's so real.

I was like, oh, you know, whatever's right for our family, I'll do, but I don't, you know, we would be ready, but I was just scared. It wasn't no, because I wasn't ready. I was just nervous. It was just a little scary. And for a long time, I got to like, you're okay, just keep doing what you're doing. You're okay, kind of thing. And then eventually we both started to feel, you know, more and more comfortable and good and confident about it. And I remember praying and just feeling like it'll be okay. Like it'll be all right. You'll survive, kind of thing. Like this is right. And we definitely wanted another kid. It was just figuring out timing and everything. And it was just a little scary. So, yeah, we started trying. And again, with my first, got pregnant right away. So I had in my mind, like, it obviously doesn't always happen like that. But, you know, a few months, and we'll get pregnant. And this baby was just not coming. And I was kind of shocked. Like, I was like, what? What's different? What's changed? You know, what am I doing wrong almost? And so about seven months of trying, we did get pregnant. And seven months is, you know, a normal time. But it felt like forever. It was a completely normal time to get pregnant in. But it felt like so long, especially in comparison to my first of getting pregnant immediately. So I was just so excited. It felt like the timing was absolutely perfect. I was like, this is why we need to wait. Because, you know, the timing of everything is going to be perfect. And we found out a few weeks before Mother's Day. So we told our parents Mother's Day. We were just so excited. Everything just felt so right. I felt relieved not having to deal with the tracking ovulation and the two-week wait and like my baby was here. And then just a few weeks later, I was about seven weeks along and I started spotting. And I was like, okay, that's, you know, that's normal. That's not, you know, a huge deal. That's not anything crazy. And I kind of reached out to my midwives. Um, and they told me what to look out for. They said, you know, spotting is normal. We can't, you know, guarantee anything, but take it easy. And these are the things to look out for. Um, and a couple of days went by and it just started getting worse. Um, I remember just kind of sitting in a chair outside, just trying to figure out, you know, is this, is this the opportunity to panic? Is this, do I just need to stay calm? You know, what's, what's going on kind of thing? But yeah, it just kind of got worse. And eventually they're like, how about you come in? They checked my hormone levels. My HCG was dropping. So they kind of confirmed, you know, you are having a miscarriage. Um, and then like that evening actually is when like I started to really miscarry and, um, pass. I was, you know, passing blood clots and was in a lot of pain. And I was just in my bathtub, you know, balling. Like I just, I did not understand how it was happening. I felt so confident that this was the perfect timing. And we were doing what we were supposed to. And it was so hard not to question everything I did. I was like, we went to Disneyland a few days before I found out I was pregnant. Is it because I rode all those rides? Or we went out for sushi and I, you know, ate sushi or I had deli meat or, you know, all those things that you tell you not to do. It was so hard for me not to almost tear myself down. And find a reason to blame myself, to be like, what did I do wrong to be in this position? Which obviously in most cases, it's nothing. There was nothing you could have done. And that's, you know, kind of what my midwives had told me. Oh, I totally forgot to mention that I went to the ER as well. So yeah, before they went and checked my hormones, I, they sent me to the ER just to, you know, get checked out and everything because I was bleeding stronger and I got an ultrasound and they're like, we can't, you're not far along enough to really see a heartbeat or anything yet. Based off of where I was feeling pain, they thought it may be an eptopic pregnancy. But they basically told me, yeah, you're having a threatened miscarriage, which was essentially, I could have a miscarriage, I couldn't have a miscarriage. We'll see. And then I got my hormones checked and everything. So yeah, then I actually had the miscarriage and all of that.

Yeah, thank you for sharing such authentic, vulnerable feelings of that. I don't know if I've ever really talked to somebody other than like maybe family members about their experiences. And it's something that people are like, well, don't tell people before X amount of weeks and blah, blah, blah. It's like, but why not? Right? Like, yeah, why not tell them? Because then it like creates more of like this veil over these experiences, right? Where it's like, well, yeah, don't tell anybody because you definitely don't want to tell people about your miscarriage. It's like, but then, you know, for people like me who are removed from, you know, childbirth or pregnancy and that kind of stuff makes it hard for there to be a dialogue even because it's like, well, there's not supposed to be one. But I don't think that's helpful. So I'm kind of curious just for my own, you know, being a friend of women who have gone through this. Was there something that you needed at that time that you didn't have? Or was there something that you were offered that you didn't know you needed until you received it during that time?

I mean, one big thing is how many people, when I started to share about my miscarriage, how many people really I realized in my life had shared a similar experience? And like you were saying, just kind of keep it to themselves, don't talk about it. And it is, I mean, it's heartbreaking. And so I totally understand if that's something you don't want to share, but it was so comforting to kind of feel like, okay, you know, it's not just me. I remember I knew my cousin had had a miscarriage, and I reached out to her and I called her, and she just said everything that was going through my mind. That was just, you know, circling in my mind. And she was like, I know that, you know, you're probably finding reasons to blame yourself, but it's not your fault. And, you know, talking through that, that was so great. And so that was really great from people that had had a miscarriage, just to, you know, support those feelings, because I did feel a little bit like I was going out of my mind, like just, you know, spiraling almost a little bit. And on the other end, there were people that I had told that just cried with me. And I'm not someone that normally cries, I would say. And just to, just to feel with me. And that just was so comforting. And the day that I actually was having the miscarriage, I went to a church activity, who knows why. I just, I couldn't be at home sitting and being miserable. And my friend had come up to me and she was like, hey, I've just been thinking about you this week. Like, how are you doing? And I just burst into tears. I was like, terrible. I'm not doing well at all. Like she had no idea I was pregnant. And so I kind of told her this story and, you know, she just cried with me and was like, I've never experienced that. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the way that you feel. And was just, you know, there with me. Similarly, I had a sister-in-law that I hadn't told I was pregnant. And I was almost a little worried that there'd be like feelings of I was never told. Like I was never, but instead she also, you know, just cried with me and just felt with me. And it was, you know, a baby she didn't even know about. And was able to empathize with me and it was so sweet. And so both of those things, I think, were really great. They were really comforting.

Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that. And I think, you know, just for me, like that's a helpful, powerful reminder that you don't have to, like, really try to fix anything, right? Like that's not what's needed most of the time. Most of the time, it's just to be with someone where they are. And I think sometimes it's easier to be with people where they are, if you've been in a similar position. But also, like, it doesn't take much to just ask someone like your friend, like, how are you doing recently? I've been thinking about you. And then actually really caring how people are doing, and not just kind of flippantly being like, oh, well, I don't think you're going to actually talk to me about how you're feeling. And so I appreciate you teaching me, and I'm sure other people who are listening right now, just even the power of simple things, like checking in and being with someone, even if you don't know what to say. So thank you for sharing that.

I feel like there were times where I didn't want to share it because I was like, I don't want them to have to deal with this. I don't want them to feel bad or to feel awkward. But keeping it to myself was not any better. And so having these people that I really could talk to and not feel bad for having, not negative feelings, but such strong feelings. And they could just be there with me, and yeah.

Yeah. Well, maybe we all be that for other people, right? For the people in our lives. And just a reminder to like slow down and just make yourself one of those people that are available to be there for friends, even if, you know, like you said, your sister-in-law didn't know what this whole scenario was, but you knew that you could talk to her. So, thank you. Yeah.

Yeah.

2nd Pregnancy: Physical Prep + Subchorionic Hemorrhage

Well, so how was recovering from that and then eventually feeling brave enough, like to try again? I feel like that's super brave to put yourself in a vulnerable position like that again, to try to bring another baby into the world. How was that for you?

Yeah, for sure. It was definitely an experience. I did not expect to have postpartum similar symptoms. Having a miscarriage, that was kind of new to me. My hair started falling out and I was like, hold on, I didn't get nine months of beautiful growth. Like this isn't fair. Having a big hormone jump like that, I still had to experience. So, yeah, it was definitely hard when we did my first period after having a miscarriage was just gutting. Like just destroyed me and we were on this gorgeous family vacation in Iceland. And I mean, I had a great time, and I'm so thankful for that experience. But to say that my mind was not just constantly focused on what I had lost and that I was like, I shouldn't have a period right now. I should have a baby. This isn't how it's supposed to be right now. And it was hard not to let my brain take over everything and to focus on what was in front of me instead of, you know, what I lost. Not that I, you know, need to completely move on and let go. I'll always hold that with me. Even having a new baby, sometimes I feel bad that I still grieve that loss a little bit. But that's a different baby, you know, and nothing will ever, you know, fully take that away. And that's okay. But not letting it all consume me was definitely a fight, especially when we started to try again. And once again, it took several months to get pregnant again. And every single time, it just, I feel like, hurt that much more. Because every single time, it was like, I should be pregnant. I'm supposed to be pregnant right now. And I'm supposed to be this many weeks, you know? I'm supposed to be this close at this point. And I had actually a friend that got pregnant at a very similar time that I had to my miscarriage. So it was almost, you know, this comparison that I could see how far along I was supposed to be that, you know, my 20 week ultrasound was at this point and different things like that. But I will say, when we did get pregnant again, man, the joy of that is not comparable. And I just, immediate tears, immediate, you know, was just so excited. I just didn't do any cute thing to tell my husband. I literally just went into our room and I told him, and we just held each other and bawled. Like, it was just, just so excited. It was so great. Definitely a lot of anxiety about, you know, losing this baby for the first several weeks. There was a lot, and there was a lot of discussion on, do we tell people? Like, do we, you know, want to go through that again? Do we, now that we truly have experienced what it's like? And from my perspective, I was like, screw the 12-week wait. Like, the people that I tell early on are the people that I wanted support from if things went wrong. And so why, you know, why wait for something to go wrong to then tell people? Because I want support. I want to tell people, you know, family and everything. I'm not going to post it on Instagram or, you know, tell the whole extended family, but, you know, our close, our close family, I wanted the support from them if something went wrong. But we kind of went back and forth about what to do. And then actually at about nine weeks, I woke up covered in blood, and it sent me into a full spiral. Just panicked. I was like, I how I don't, how can we be here again? How can this happen again? I just again told my husband and we both cried for completely different reasons than the joyous ones, just a month earlier. And there were several people close to me that I hadn't told yet. So instead of doing some cute announcement to say I was pregnant, I was reaching out to these family members and being like, hey, so you didn't know I was pregnant, but I would really appreciate if you were there for me right now. Like, I'd really appreciate if you would have some prayers or whatever, just be there for me right now because I'm heartbroken, like I'm struggling. And so I definitely regret not telling them earlier because I much would have rather told them in some cute fun way and been able to enjoy it instead of, you know, that being the way that they find out. Ended up going in and getting an ultrasound, and I had a subchronic hemorrhage, which I cannot fully explain what exactly it is, but I was bleeding from something that was not, you know, it was on the outside of my uterus. So baby was fine. We were totally okay. It was a massive relief. We were able to see her heart rate and everything. And so it ended up, you know, working out. But I think for me, that was a big moment in saying, screw the 12 week wait for me personally. I want the support of, I know these specific people that I want their support from, and I had wished I had gotten a better way to tell them instead of waiting.

Man, for that to just, you know, for you to think this is happening again, and then for it not to be happening again, and just such a roller coaster of emotions for you to be going through and just, man, I can't even imagine what that would be like. I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough, or maybe you didn't feel comfortable, but you felt brave enough to, like, talk to people about it before you knew that it was gonna turn out okay, because I just can't even imagine what a triggering thing that would have been. I just, and for y'all, I don't know if I even knew you at that point, but just for y'all to just, like, keep showing up and just, like, having this toddler and having these things you're trying to do, in the meantime, it's just really incredible. And it's a very, like, important reminder to all of us that, like, you literally never know what is going on in someone's world. And, like, it's so important to be kind and to show up how you, the best that you can show up, because you don't know how other people are feeling. And I'm so grateful that it worked out and that, you know, she's here, obviously. But the emotional journey that y'all had to go through for some reason, it's just, it adds, like, a level of, like, sweetness and, like, sacredness to her, you know?

For sure, yeah.

Yeah. Well, so, you know, now you know you're pregnant with her and, like, things are going better, or, you know, like, things are progressing along. How was that pregnancy for you? How was that different than your pregnancy with Jay?

Yeah. So much better. I had made sure before we started trying about almost a year before we started trying, I, like, I was like, okay, I'm cleaning up my diet. I'm going to start working out. I'm going to start being active. So that made it really easy to continue on. When I found out I was pregnant, I also just knowing now a little bit more what to expect. It was just a lot easier dealing with being nauseous. I, you know, knew foods that I would be able to eat, that I would, you know, make me feel okay. I wasn't trying to eat entire meals. I was just, you know, snacking and eating small things. With Jay, we learned that rice and beans was, like, the best thing to eat for me because it just, it wasn't heavy in my stomach, but it had enough protein and stuff. And so I literally ate so much of that with him. And with her, we went on a trip and we got chicken fried rice. And I was like, this is it. This is amazing. So some form of rice, apparently, is my comfort food. But yeah, being able to know what to expect, being a little bit more prepared just made it so much easier. Being active made it so much easier. I read the book, Real Food for Pregnancy, which kind of just focuses on like a whole food diet. I definitely didn't follow the book to the tee. I kind of took pieces from it, but tried to stay to a whole food diet as much as possible, which helped me a lot. So yeah, the experience was so much better. I just felt so much better. Even at the end of my pregnancy, just physically, I did not feel like I was in tons of pain. It felt good even having a toddler to chase around and take care of.

Good. I'm glad that it was a better pregnancy. It makes sense that you learn from each experience, right? But it's so cute that chicken fried rice and rice and beans. It's like, well, it's the main things. It's the main things that you need. It's the building blocks. 

2nd Labor: Birth Center + Redemptive Water Birth

Yeah. Well, I'm curious, especially knowing, to kind of on that point, knowing what you knew about your labor experience with Jay, what was your game plan going in with your experience with Winnie? I feel like I would be so nervous the whole time. Okay, block out three days from my due date at least.

I definitely feel like I did a little bit of a 180. You know, like I mentioned, I went to a midwife this time around. I decided to go to birth center. I was like, I don't necessarily feel confident in a home birth, but I know I wasn't a big fan of the hospital experience, so I toured a lot of birthing centers and different options and I landed on this one. And it just had everything that we needed. So then I knew I was committed to a completely unmedicated labor because I was doing a birth center. So I started prepping for that. I definitely had a lot more opinions on the things that I did or did not want in labor, which I think made me feel more confident that I could go in and know, you know, this is the plan. I felt like with Jay, it was kind of just up in the air. And I was like, whatever happens, happens. And with her, I felt a lot more in control, which was kind of the goal. I did often compare prepping for an unmedicated labor. Kind of felt like someone said, okay, you're going to run a marathon, but we're not going to tell you when you're going to start the marathon. It's just randomly going to start one day. We can give you kind of an estimation, but we're not going to tell you when. And you're not allowed to practice running. You can practice breathing. You can practice your mental mindset. You can be active beforehand. You can eat really well, but you're not allowed to practice running. Like that's that you're going to have to just jump in to that one. And so it was a little more nerve-racking, you know, being like, how do I prepare for something that, I mean, I had some experience with, but definitely not to this level.

That analogy is like so descriptive and illustrative. I feel like, I'm like, yeah, that totally makes sense. I mean, not that I've ever even attempted to run a marathon in general, but just like the, like, it's not just something that you can plan on, but it's something you have to be prepared for. So it's, that's such an interesting comparison. So you liked your birth center experience. You were telling me like that you did your like normal checkups at the birth center, is that correct?

Yes, yeah. So everything was done at the birth center. Here, there were specifically four different midwives that I kind of rotated through, and it was just whoever was on call was going to be the one that I was going to see. And yeah, the only thing I would say I didn't like is if anything again did go wrong just in the slightest, because they could only do basic healthy pregnancies, I was sent to the ER. So there was another experience where her heart rate was really low, and we had to go to the ER and do a non-stress test and everything. And they're like, yeah, she's totally fine, probably just wants to play with her umbilical cord. And we're like, okay, that's $3,000 for that. Thank you.

Thanks, girl.

Uh-huh. But other than that, it really was wonderful.

Okay. Well, I'm so excited to hear about your unmedicated birth experience. I mean, just from the little bits and pieces that you've been sharing with me in passing, like I've been looking forward to this. So I'm curious, how did it get started? How did labor start for you?

Yeah. So actually, I had a friend who, our due dates were literally like three days apart. And she had a membrane sweep when we were like close to 39 weeks, and literally went into labor and gave birth like six hours later. And yeah, as soon as that happened, I was like, man, maybe I should consider a membrane sweep. And I kind of was going back and forth about it because I hated being induced so much that I was like, is this, I know this is very different than pitocin, but I didn't want to, again, put my body in a position of something that wasn't ready for. And so I had a little bit of anxiety about that. I was like, is it if I do this, am I pushing my body into something that's not ready for, and it's going to make things hard? On top of that, again, with my son's birth, cervical checks were awful. And one great thing about going to a midwife is every single week that they asked if I wanted a cervical check, I was like, no, I was putting them off as much as possible. So I kind of had that on my mind. And then my sister-in-law came and stayed with us. The hope was that she'd be there for the birth to take pictures. I knew I wanted my husband there and I wanted my mom there. And that was kind of it for being my support team. But I was like, I really want someone to take pictures. And my sister-in-law was like, I'd love to come visit. I'd love to just hang out with you if the baby comes. That would be exciting. And I would love to take pictures for you. And if not, I'm so happy to visit, which was just so sweet of her to be supportive. And she helped make food and prep stuff for labor as well, which was great. But she was here for several days, and we passed my due date and everything, and the baby still wasn't here. And I was feeling all this pressure. I was like, I want the baby to be here when my sister-in-law is here. And we were doing all the wives' tales to try and induce labor. We were doing all these exercises. We were doing all these exercises off YouTube. It was not happening. So I went in for an appointment when I was 40 weeks and one day. And I was just like, you know what? I want a membrane sweep. I was like, if this can maybe encourage things, and then I can have the baby when my sister-in-law is going to be here, let's do it. And another reason I didn't want to get a cervical check is because I was worried if I wasn't dilated at all, was that going to discourage me? Which I knew some people are at a two for weeks and still don't go into labor, and other people go from a zero to being in labor so fast. So I knew it really didn't mean anything, but I still, I was like, I just feel like I'm going to be so discouraged. But I finally, I was like, you know what? I just, I want this membrane sweep. I want to, you know, I want this baby to be here before my sister-in-law leaves. So I had asked for a membrane sweep, and she went to go give me one and was like, I can't, you're not dilated at all. She was, I was over my due date. And she was like, you are not dilated at all. And I was just crushed. I was like, I'm going to be pregnant forever. Like it's never going to end.

No.

And it, because I was induced with my son, I didn't know what my body kind of naturally did. So I didn't know if it was a little bit more normal for me to go over my due date. But it being my second, I was hoping it wouldn't go too far over. So yeah, I was completely crushed. But I think also part of it is I just had accepted the fact. I was like, okay, Sophie's not going to be here. It's all right, you know. Like it's not going to be the perfect plan, but it'll be okay. And I think that kind of allowed me to relax a bit. And I think that helped a lot. And even that evening, I was like, man, my contractions feel a little bit different. But I was like, I'm not, you know, I'm going to be pregnant forever. I'm not thinking too much about it kind of thing. So then, she was going home the next day. And I had told my husband she was flying at like 5 a.m. Or she needed to be taken to the airport at like 5 a.m. And so I was like, you know what? I'm not sleeping well anyway. I would love to take her. You know, I'll just get up and take her. And he was like, okay. And then at 3 a.m., I was woken up to just these really consistent contractions. And they were like all around my back, which I typically didn't get intense contractions like that unless I was working out. So I was like, I've been laying in bed for several hours. Why are these contractions so intense? But they were like three and a half minutes apart and only 30 seconds. And I was like, well, this doesn't make sense because I was always told that like they start, you know, at like one every hour. And then they, you know, go to like every 30 minutes and then they go to every 15 minutes. So I was like, these are consistently three and a half minutes apart. And they're like super short. So I wasn't super sure. I was like, I'm just going to try to go back to bed. So I tried to go back to bed, but they were just feeling more and more intense. And so I was like, I think I'm in labor. I had texted my friend that had just had a baby because she was up with her. She was nursing her baby in the middle of the night. So I was like, what do you think? And we were kind of talking about it. So eventually my husband woke up just a little bit and I was like, hey, so I think I'm in labor. And he was like, what? He was like, what? What do I need to do? What do I was like? Nothing. I was like, nothing. Just just like, you know, I cannot take your sister to the airport right now. And he was like, OK. And she had woken up. And so we kind of told her, I was like, hey, so I know you're heading to the airport right now, but I'm in labor. And she was like, of course, of course. It's right as I'm heading to the airport. And she was so sweet. My husband said literally the whole drive, she was like looking up flights that maybe she could stay a little bit longer, but it just wasn't going to work out. Yeah. So he took her to the airport. I kind of let my mom know. He called his parents to pick up our son. And I just kind of spent the morning. They were, you know, not anything super crazy. I was watching Love Island and just kind of doing whatever to stay comfortable and calm. My mom came over. I, Zach was like, do you want me to make you breakfast? And I was like, no, I just want my mom to make me breakfast. I was like really craving like just comfort and something about my mom's cooking. I was like, I just, I just want my mom to make me breakfast. So she came over, made breakfast, braided my hair. And those first couple hours, we just kind of hung out. It was, you know, super easy, you know? And then eventually we're like, okay, let's go on a walk. Let's get things moving. So we went out on a walk and it was super, super bright outside. And I get migraines pretty constantly. And when I get migraines, I'm like throwing up out of pain there. I'm like knocked out in bed, growing up. And the combination of being up since 3 a.m. and how bright it was outside, I started to get a migraine. And I was like, I can't, I cannot be in labor.

Oh my gosh.

And deal with a migraine. So we headed back home. I took some medicine. We like heated up a really hot bath because normally that kind of helps subside it. We got like cold washcloths. Like we were doing everything we could. And so during that, I was like, I just need something to listen to. I was like, I can't, originally I was planning on watching stuff in labor because that's, you know, comforting to me. And up until then, I had been, you know, watching Love Island and different things. But I was like, I can't open my eyes. I just need something to listen to. And there's this YouTube channel that does Disney Jeopardy. And so I was like, Zach, put on Disney Jeopardy. That's awesome. So I was in the tub, just like covering my eyes, switching off cold washcloths and everything, kind of hoping this migraine will subside and playing Disney Jeopardy, just listening to Disney Jeopardy and playing along. Thankfully, because I was able to catch it in time and everything, it started to, you know, subside and I started to feel better. So I got out, but I was like, I don't know, Disney Jeopardy was kind of fun. Like could you turn on Disney Jeopardy in the living room? So we continued to play Disney Jeopardy. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't, you know, just the birth ball, sitting on the birth ball was not working for me. So I would literally just like walk circles around my couch. And as a contraction happened, I would go to my husband and I would lean on him and he would, you know, provide counter pressure. She, my, pretty much my whole pregnancy was in one position and that it was sunny side up. So we were spine to spine when she needed her spine to be to my belly. So because we were spine to spine, I had a lot of back labor, but it was nice because then my husband was able to apply counter pressure to it. So it was, you know, easier for him to relieve the pressure almost. So yeah, and I had my mom following my contraction so that I wasn't like nonstop being like, oh, was that 30 seconds? Was that, you know, it relieved the pressure of me constantly seeing what my contractions were at, but she was keeping an eye on them. And they stayed consistently three and a half minutes apart. Like they did not let up, but they were like super short. And so we had like a message, just my midwives and everything. And we're like, hey, not, you know, still in early labor and everything, but just wanted to let you know, this is where we're at. And they're like, okay, as soon as, you know, they get to being about an a minute long, you should come in. They told me I could come in whenever I could. I could have come in at that point if I wanted to. But they're like, if they're a minute long and that close together, you really should come in. 

So yeah, I just kind of paced her on the couch. And we did that for a while. Then my other sister-in-law came to pick up our dog. And she was so sweet. She brought us lunch. And she switched off with my husband and applied counter pressure for me while he ate and got food. And I ate in between contractions and everything. And I continued to play Disney Jeopardy the whole way through. I mean, like, mid-contraction, like, yelling out answers. But yeah, they finally got long enough. And it's funny because I had heard someone say that they were like, you know, it's time to come in when the woman in labor does not want to leave. Like, she's ready to just nest. Like, she's done, she's where she is. And I kind of thought that was funny. And I definitely got to that point. Like, by the time that everybody was like, okay, we should probably go in. I was like, no, I don't want to. I just want to stay here. I was like, I do not want to get in the car right now. I just like, this is what's working for me. I just want to keep working with this. But we did eventually get in the car. I was coaxed into the car. It's just hard also. I was moving so much through contractions, just suddenly be like, now I have to sit, and I cannot move, and I cannot. Every little bump in the car and every little whatever, it was not enjoyable. But yeah, we headed to the birth center. On the way, I had told my husband, I was like, if I'm less than four centimeters, I'm going to be so mad. I was like, I need to be at least a four. And so we got there. I asked for a cervical check and they're like, you're at a four. And I was like, okay, that was my bare minimum. 

But she had said, she was like, your baby is still sunny side up. She's like, I think if you could get her moved into the right position, it's going to go so quick. Like she'll, you know, at this point it had been about 12 hours. It was 3 a.m. when I had woken up in labor and it was 3 p.m. by the time that we got to the birth center. So it was about 12 hours. So I was like, okay. So they had me in an exaggerated sideline position and that was pretty uncomfortable. Just because again, I was up and moving through things and now I was like laying in this position and it was really comfortable in between contractions. I could lay down and relax, but during contractions I was like, I just want to move. I just want to, you know, and it was harder for my husband to apply counter pressure because I was laying on my side, so he couldn't really squeeze my hips or anything. And so it was definitely more intense. And I knew I wanted to save water as my like last-ditch comfort measure, because that had always been a big comfort for me. And so I was like really trying to save, get in the tub for that last-minute comfort measure. I was not wanting a water birth. A water birth kind of made me nervous. And I just I didn't have anything against it. It just wasn't in my mind. But I knew like near the end of Labor, I wanted to be in water. But being in that position was so uncomfortable that I was like, just start the tub. Like just I was like, turn on Disney Jeopardy and start the bathtub. So after doing that, though, she had flipped. So as soon as she flipped the right way, I got into the tub again, was playing Disney Jeopardy the whole way through. My midwives thought it was hilarious because I would be, they would be in the middle of checking me and I would be like, holes, the movie holes. And they'd be like, what? What are you? And my mom and my husband were like, she's playing Disney Jeopardy. It's the answer to the Jeopardy question. They were like, oh, okay. They're like, we've never seen this before, but all right. Yeah, things were just progressing. Things were going well. I was feeling good. Eventually, my midwife had tapped me on the shoulder. And she was like, hey, your baby's head is right there. It's right there. You could reach down and feel it. Her head is literally right there. And in my mind, I was like, I'm on my knees in the bathtub right now. I haven't been checked since I arrived. Like, how would you know that? How would you know that my baby's right there? And so I lifted up and I looked at her and I said, I don't know what you're talking about. And then I just went back to what I was doing. And yeah, there was also another point where I had tried flipping over and she was listening to the baby and a contraction started and I like smacked her away and turned back over. I feel so bad. I like, I'm sure, you know, she's used to it, but I felt so bad. I was like, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm not trying to... I did eventually learn she had had a mirror with a light that she slid under me. And that's how she saw that the baby's head was right there. So that made more sense afterwards. But in the moment, I was like, you don't know what you're talking about. I was like, how on earth would you know that? I kept, though, waiting. I had been told, like, you're in transition when you can't talk through your contractions anymore. Like, they're so intense, you can't talk through them anymore. And I was literally playing Disney Jeopardy through my contractions. So I, in my mind, I still had hours to go. Like, so that was the other thing is I was like, how would you be telling me that my baby's right there when I'm, you know, still have forever to go? And another thing I've heard a lot about transition is typically, you know, the woman will be like, I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted. Like, this is, you know, it kind of gets to that point. And I do remember, like, looking at my mom and just saying, like, this is hard. Like, this is really hard. Not that I was, like, at my end or anything, but I was like, this is hard now. This is getting hard. But again, I still did not think that I was close, even to the point that my body, naturally on its own, at the end of contraction, started pushing. But I didn't say, like, oh, I am pushing, or I feel the urge to push or anything, because I was like, no, I'm not ready yet. Like, I'm still playing Disney Jeopardy, like, you know?

That was like, the metric the whole time.

Seriously. And I was like, when I can't play Jeopardy anymore, that's when this baby's gonna come. And it was a crazy sensation, especially compared to, you know, with my son, I had this super, super strong epidural that I could not feel a thing to, like, my body completely on its own, naturally pushing. And so it kind of did that twice. And I just didn't say anything, because I was like, oh, I'm not close. It's, I didn't, I didn't even fully know if I knew I was pushing or not. And then I kind of lifted up my head and I looked around and everybody was in my room. And I was like, oh, this baby is coming. Like, I was like, I am close. This baby is coming. So then I kind of pushed with the contractions. My big thing is all through contractions and everything, I was trying to breathe really low and deep to just kind of, instead of clamming up, instead of clenching up, to kind of like breathe down and deep. And I had practiced that a lot before labor and everything. I had actually seen this nurse say, the best time to practice is when you're pooping, because that's the closest you're going to get to the feeling of pushing. So that was, so I was breathing really low and deep, which was really great, because again, with my son, I, at least they kind of encouraged what's called like purple pushing, where you hold your breath and then push as hard as possible. And by the end of like every contraction, I felt like I was going to pass out, especially doing that for three hours. So this time I was like, I'm breathing through my pushes, which makes a lot more sense. You know, when you're lifting weights and stuff, like you're breathing out at the hardest part. So I was breathing really low, was breathing really deep. And so my first push that I pushed with my body, I pushed her head out in that singular push.

Oh my gosh.

I definitely felt like I was supposed to stop, but I was like at the ring of fire. I was right there. I was like, I don't want to do this again. I'm just going to push all the way through till her head comes out. So, I pushed her head out, and then literally the next contraction, I pushed her body out. So, it was kind of a total of four pushes. It was three minutes.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah. Yeah. And she was out. My husband caught her, which was like night and day difference from him. You know, we were worried he was going to pass out from blood, and this time he was like there, and he caught her, and he handed her to me, and that was just such a great moment. Again, such a big difference from like, and I touch him, to like just taking my baby in my arms, and having her on my chest, and just breathing, and you know, it was just such a euphoric moment, for sure. And then they were like, you're bleeding a lot. We're giving you Pitocin. And I was just like, it was something we had discussed before. I was like, I'm open to Pitocin if you feel like that's needed. So it was great, because we had already had that discussion. So they just kind of let me know, we're going to give you Pitocin. You're kind of losing a lot of blood. So I was like, OK. And they gave me the Pitocin. And then they were like, because you're losing so much blood, we don't want you to deliver the placenta in the tub because we want to be able to monitor your blood. So pretty soon they had me up and out of the tub and on the bed to deliver the placenta. And I will say this probably was the downside of not having an epidural for me, is when you have an epidural and you have a baby, as soon as you have the baby and kind of deliver the placenta, like you're done. Like you just love your baby and they take care of all the stuff down there. And you know, you just love on your baby. When you're unmedicated, you're still feeling everything. Like you're still having contractions. They're giving you fundal massages and that does not feel good. You're delivering your placenta, getting stitched up again, like you still feel everything. So I will say that was probably my, for my personal experience, the only downside of not having any sort of medication, is I was like, but my baby's here, I'm supposed to be done. Then you're definitely not done. You, you have more to go. But actually, it did get a little crazy after this point, because I had delivered the baby, we had established nursing, you know, but it had only been about 15 minutes and they were like, hey, so actually we have another mom who just went into labor and is like on her way. Do you mind moving into our smaller birth suite? And I was like, yeah, no problem. I'll move, you know, into the smaller birth suite. So we cut the cord and everything and moved into this smaller suite and they just gave us, you know, our golden hour and just kind of held the baby and enjoyed that time together. And, you know, they were taking care of this other mom. They had a different midwife come in. So I still had my midwife and they were taking care of this other mom. And so I had been laying there for a while and they came in and they're like, hey, so let's get you up and, you know, going to the bathroom and all of that great stuff. And I stood up and just blood poured out of me. It was a lot of blood. And so they're like, lay back down, lay back down and gave me another fundal massage and my uterus had completely refilled with blood. And so they emptied it out and everything. And they're like, okay, so you've had a hemorrhage. They're like, it's not, you know, it's stopped. So, you know, here's, you know, the pros and cons and how we feel and kind of gave me the option if I wanted to go to the hospital or not. And I was like, I really, if it stopped, I really don't want to. But it was really great, them discussing with me, you know, the benefits, the risks, all, you know, giving me the full view of everything. And then, you know, giving me the option of what to do. And so I was like, I really just rather stay here. And so they're like, okay. And then someone poked their head in and they're like, hey, so another mom just went into labor.

She's like, okay, everybody.

They only take three women a month. So there were three of us do that month, and all three of us went into labor the exact same day.

Was it like a full moon or something?

Seriously, it was crazy. So they were like, all that's left really, they're like, you're looking really great. Another great thing about a birth center is after four hours at this birth center, you can go home, and they come to your house and come check on you 24 hours later. And so everything was, the blood had calmed down and everything. And so they're like, all that's left really is if you want to get stitches. So they're like, do you mind going to an exam room? Because it'll be a lot easier to get stitches in the exam room anyway. And then we can shift the other moms around. And I was like, yeah, sure, I can totally do that. So we went into the exam room. And I kind of asked my mom, because I was still really lightheaded and stuff, I was like, can you go get us dinner? So my mom kind of left and went and got dinner. And while she was gone, I was like, hey, because I was in an exam room, I didn't have a bathroom in my room anymore. And I was like, I need to go to the bathroom. And they're like, yes, we will totally help you with that. One of the moms is being sent to the hospital right now because she is having a hemorrhage. So if you could just hang tight in your room right now so that the hallway is clear for the paramedics and everything. And I was like, oh yeah, I can totally do that. So the paramedics were coming in and all of this was happening. I guess my mom kind of showed up. She had left for like 15 minutes to go get us food. And she came back and there was an ambulance and a fire truck and everything. So she was like in a full panic. She came back into our room like almost in tears. And I was like, are you okay? And she was like, yeah, I just, you would, when I left, you were just recovering from a hemorrhage. And then I come back and there's fire trucks and ambulances. I guess when she came in, one of the midwives reassured her, it's like, it's not Maddie, you're okay, it's okay. And so, yeah, that was kind of crazy. There was, after the paramedics and everything left, they went to go help me to the bathroom. And one of the husbands was out of the room. And so the midwife was like, sir, please go back to your room. So I could walk down in my diaper and robe and everything. So it was very chaotic for that little bit of time. The midwives handled everything wonderfully. They did a great job. They had to call in literally everybody to handle the three of us. But it was definitely a little crazy, a little chaotic. I ended up having to get fluids just to help because I was still after eating and everything, still really dizzy. And they were like, okay, if you feel good, you can go home. I was like, yeah, I feel great. And Zach had loaded up the baby and everything in the car, and I stood up and almost passed out. And they're like, never mind, we're not letting you go home. So they gave me fluids and everything. And then I felt great. And then we headed home.

So wow, it was in a third of the time, right? Like, was it even a full day?

No, it was a total of 15 hours. We got to the birth center at 3 p.m. and she was born at 6.09.

2nd Postpartum: Quick Healing + Adjusting to 2 Children

So wow, talk about truly night and day difference. How did that affect your postpartum then, having such a redemptive birth experience?

Yeah, yeah, it was so much better. I had prepared myself with all the sprays and the creams and the witch hazel pads because again, with my son, I wore my adult diaper for my bleeding and then I lined it with an ice pack and then I lined that with witch hazel pads and then I lined that with witch hazel foam and then I would spray my perineum and everything. And I did that several times a day with my son. And with her, I realized I didn't need any of it besides, you know, the diaper for the bleeding. But literally, I had bought all of this stuff and I was like, I don't really need any of this. Like, I feel good. Like, I feel great. They made a really big emphasis on me staying in bed for two weeks. And they even told, like, my husband, they were like, she's going to stay in bed for two weeks. You're going to, you know, they told my husband and my mom, you guys are going to take care of everything. She's going to stay in bed for two weeks, which was hard. It was a long time to try and stay in bed. And I'll be honest that, like, about a week, I started, you know, getting up and doing a little bit more and more. My husband would be like, they said two weeks. And I was like, I can't stay in bed for two weeks. But yeah, the combination of not having to recover from the medication, from not having to push as long, and then from resting, like, really allowing my body to rest, made such a difference. Like, by the end of those two weeks, I felt great. Like, I felt really great. It was almost hard to, like, remind myself, like, hey, I'm still only two weeks postpartum. Like, take it slow, because I, you know, felt like I was ready to conquer the world, not having, not being pregnant anymore. And besides being tired, like, I was, I was ready to go back to normal life at that point.

It's incredible how much those experiences affect each other. I mean, it makes sense. But I remember, I think I saw you when you, the day you hit two weeks, and I was like, oh, has it been like a month or something? Because you just looked so, like, like so refreshed and so just, I mean, I don't know if you felt refreshed, but I just remember talking to you that day, and you're like, it literally could not have been more different, which is a good thing, right? Like, I'm glad that for all of that, that you went through to bring Jay here, the experience you had with your miscarriage and even the scary beginnings of Winnie, like, just such a beautiful arc to this point.

Yeah.

And, you know, I'm sure it's not all just, like, sunshine and rainbows all the time. I'm sure that things are difficult. But I, from what, you know, I can tell and from what you've shared with me, like, it seems to be this really tender time in your, in your family, like, when you brought them to the world.

Yeah. My son has just been the sweetest, the sweetest thing. It's been fun watching him step into the role as a big brother. We had got this course pack called Singleton to Sibling from Love Every. It's like this toy company, and they make Montessori toys. But they had all these books about, you know, being an older sibling and labor and when baby starts to crawl and wanting to be the baby and all of those things. And so we read all those with him, and so I felt like we really prepared him. But I was still nervous, you know, introducing the two of them. I was like, is he going to be jealous? Is he going to, you know, have a hard time? But at first he was kind of, you know, didn't really care. He was like, okay. He was like, this thing doesn't do much. But it's been so fun to watch him, you know, step into a role as a big brother and be so sweet. It's been so fun to watch my husband and the confidence of being a second time dad for sure. Like him also, you know, just feeling so confident and so that man, I cannot do a swaddle for the life of me. Like unless they have the little velcros or whatever, I cannot and he has mastered the swaddle.

Yeah, go Zack. That's awesome.

Yeah, yeah. So it's, it's, yeah, it's been fun to watch our family grow into these new roles and, and figure things out for sure.

To My Pre-Mom Self…

Yeah, absolutely. Well, just to wrap up our conversation, I like to ask, what is something that you would tell your pre-mom self, knowing what you know now?

I think a lot of parenting is having this feeling, having this thought of like, oh, I just, I couldn't do that. I couldn't handle that. If I was in that position, it would be too hard because I worked with babies. I remember with my son, I was like, I take care of such a range of babies. I was like, as long as they sleep, as long as he sleeps, I'll be okay. And of course, he was a terrible sleeper. Or just the thought. I had, as everyone who's been pregnant, I had thought about having a miscarriage and I was like, I wouldn't be able to handle that. That would be too hard. And so much of parenting has been having these fears of like, I wouldn't be able to handle that. I wouldn't be able to do that. And then it happens and you do it. And sometimes you come out feeling like, wow, that sucked, that was miserable, but we survived. And other times you're like, wow, I didn't know I could do that. Like, I didn't know, you know, I had the ability to do that. And so to really embrace being pushed out of your comfort zone because so much growth comes from that. And that's just a beautiful thing about having kids and being a parent is experiencing those high highs and those low lows and just growing from them and hopefully being a better person overall because of it.

Stunning, so beautiful. Thank you. That, wow, I like have chills all over me. That's just so powerful and that I can just see so much of that reflected in what you've shared with us today. And I just want to say thank you so much for not just like, you know, gliding over some of these topics, but being brave and strong and talking about your experience. It's helped me, you know, be able to understand a little bit better some of these things that I know my friends have gone through. I just haven't known how to help or what they've felt. And I know I'm not the only one. I know that there's other people listening that want to be better for their friends. And so thank you for helping all of us be a little bit more empathetic with the mothers in our lives from what you've shared. So truly thank you for coming on the podcast today.

Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Of course. All right, y'all, a huge thanks to Maddie for sharing her powerful experiences today. Weren't they just like as different as something could be? Just seriously so cool. It felt like, you know, like when you watch a really good movie and it feels like it was maybe 15 minutes long because you were just like so hooked. I have the problem in movies particular, sometimes even like if I go see a musical, I like don't blink because I'm just trying to take in every single little detail. And that is exactly how I felt when we had this conversation. And honestly, like listening to it again as I was editing, just so amazing. And I also just can't get over her response to that final question. Just like so empowering, like thinking to yourself, well, as long as blank doesn't happen, I'll be all right. And then of course, the way it goes, blank happens and you made it through anyways, and you grow and you become a better person. And so I just loved that she put that into words. And like whatever the opposite of toxic positivity, that is what her response was. It was just so grounded and real, but still so inspiring. So truly, I'm just so grateful that she was on the podcast today. I'm also speaking of gratitude. I am so grateful for you, my dear, sweet goddess of a listener. Thank you for creating a loving community where these stories can be held and celebrated together. And honestly, if there's an episode to share, to bring more people into this community, I would say it's this one, because it runs the gambit of experience. So if someone's looking for a relatable episode, they most likely will find something good to relate about in this episode. So I hope that you would send this to a friend, and I'd love to hear how it goes. You can always DM me over at our Instagram, at The Labor Line. You can leave comments on Spotify, and I think you can leave them on Apple Podcasts as well. I'm not 100 percent sure. But whatever way, I'd love to hear how it goes, and just continue to feel this amazing friendship that we are building together over here on the podcast. So you are amazing. I'm so grateful for you. Thanks for listening today. And as always, my friend, will I see you same time next week? 

K, love you. Bye.