Empowering Delivery + Comforting Community | Anahi's Birth Story

Meet Anahi

I just wanted my mom, you know, we're like all just girls at the end of the day. Like, I was just a girl still, so I just needed my mom and her help, even though I was about to become a mom.

Hey y'all, welcome to The Labor Line, a non-mom’s authentic look into the birth experiences of her mom friends. I'm your host, Emily, and today my incredible friend Anahi is on the line with us. And I'm so excited for her to be here and share her amazing story. During my last few years of college, I moved into an apartment right next door to hers. And she and I actually got to know each other best through church. She was the president of our congregation's women's organization. And she asked me to be a counselor for her, so just kind of help her out with the day-to-day stuff. And from then on, our friendship just took off. She, I think she'd been living there a couple semesters before that. And so she had this wonderful friend group already established. And she let me just kind of latch on to that. And she just filled all of our lives with so much fun and community and memories. And so I'll have to share some of the things that we got up to during that time, because it was truly just like the glory days, like everyone talks about. 

And it really just helped me feel the joy of like female friendship. Because like growing up with all brothers, I sometimes really struggled to fully embrace girlhood. I was blessed to like have, you know, a couple girlfriends at a time throughout my whole life, but I'd always just kind of gravitate more towards guy friends or like co-ed groups, just because, again, because of my brothers, it felt more familiar to me, and I knew how to like exist in that space a little bit more comfortably. But I always looked at these like all-girl friend groups, or most of the girlfriend groups, that, you know, it just seemed like they could let their like girly freak flag fly. And I just wanted that. And I truly think it wasn't until this time with Anahi and our friends in that apartment complex that I really ever felt that beautiful sense of girlhood. And, you know, we could just be completely feral and silly as naturally as we could cry through a breakup together. Or like there was a weekly farmers market in the summer, and we would get all dressed up as a friend group. And there was this cute Italian couple that sold like freshly baked focaccia bread with all these different flavors that were so good. And so we'd always stop at that booth first and get a different flavor to try as we were walking around looking at all these other vendors. And it was just the best of times. And I'm so grateful for those memories. 

And I'm so grateful to have Anahi as a friend. She really represents the kind of like mom's mom or just generically like the girl's girl that I'm trying to be, and I think we're all trying to be around these parts. She's one of those people who has a ton of friends, and she is devoted to each and every one of them to the point you're like, okay, how do you have time to do anything other than being my amazing friend? Because you're just like so present and all in with every person that you're with. And even now, like I saw her on social media. One day, she'll be like in Arizona with a group of friends on a trip. And then the next week, she's in California celebrating something with her family. And then the next week, she's at home in Utah with her husband, dancing in their Paraguayan dance group. And on top of all of that, she's not just an incredible friend. She like she works full time as an awesome speech pathologist. And on top, on top of that, she's a devoted mom to her sweet girl, Maya. And so she's just truly an amazing person. And I'm so excited for y'all to hear her story. Today, she shares about the emotional adjustment that came with pregnancy for her, the team mindset that she and her husband had going into labor, and empowering mostly unmedicated labor experience with an epidural at the 12-hour mark, and the raw emotions of parenthood that were magnified by going back to work just three months postpartum. I have to say, my favorite aspect of her story is just this beautiful thread of community that runs throughout. She had wonderful, beautiful support from her husband, family, friends, and as you'll see, even her medical team, which is so awesome to hear. We love having more positive, you know, hospital experiences here. So if that's what you're looking for, if you're looking for a positive hospital birth, this is it. Okay, I'll stop yapping, and let's go on to her story. 

Welcome to the podcast, Anahi. I am so grateful that you're here. Take a minute, introduce yourself, and tell us a little bit about what you and your family have been up to recently. Yeah.

Anahi & Maya

I'm so excited to be here. I feel like I don't always get a space to talk about being a mom, so that's really exciting. But yeah, I live in Spanish Fork, Utah right now. I'm a speech language pathologist, so I work in the school districts, helping the little elementary school kids, and I love it. And yeah, it's just my husband, me and our baby, Maya. I guess she's not a baby anymore, but she's two. She just turned two years old. And yeah, we're here in Utah, just swimming, enjoying the summer, doing fun things.

The best, the best. And it's so fun to see on your Instagram, your trips and everything you do together, and dressing up your cute little Maya. She's so photogenic and so sweet.

Maya does love to take pictures. She loves to dress up, and so it's really fun for me.

That is so fun. And well, if you're ready to go, let's just jump right in. I'm curious, how did you find out that you were pregnant?

Pregnancy: Adjusting to "New Normal" Mentally & Emotionally

Yeah, so we kind of wanted to wait a while. After we got married, we got a lot of advice from just older people in our lives and some friends who have had kids that waiting before we had our baby was a really good thing for them because we got to spend time traveling and just creating our own new life together. So we waited a bit, and then we just kind of felt ready to start trying and to see if I could get pregnant. And I had an IUD in, so I had it taken out, and I was like, yeah, let's just see, like, whatever happens happens. Whatever happens to, like, maybe it'll take a while, maybe it won't, but I got pregnant pretty fast, which is a huge blessing. And, yeah, I just started having, like, some of those early symptoms that you read about on Google. But, like, we were just walking one day. We would take walks around where we live, and there's a lot of, like, little fast food places and, like, a Target. And I just was, like, super grossed out by the smells. I was like, why does it smell so bad? He's like, it just smells like fast food. I was like, no, that smells, like, extra bad. So, yeah, I started having things like that, and I would, like, sleep a lot. And then we were like, I wonder if you're pregnant. So, I just took the test. Um, I actually didn't show Aaron for a while because I was kind of nervous.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't know if this is true. I was like, the second line's super faint. It's probably just my mind playing tricks on me. But it was definitely, I was definitely pregnant. And so, yeah, I just took a test, and I finally showed him one night and he was really excited. So, that was kind of how we found out I was pregnant.

Yeah. Well, I feel like there'd be so many feelings surrounding that. Like, I don't even know if this feels real yet. And so, yeah, I feel like if I didn't have to tell my husband right away, like if he wasn't there in the room with me, I'd be like, let me just digest this for a second. Yeah.

No, there's definitely a lot of like, like we were planning on it, and there still was like so much anxiety around it and uncertainty. And I mean, I'd never done it before. I'd never taken a pregnancy test or like been trying to get pregnant. So I almost like didn't know if I should be excited or if I should be sad that my life is changing or I don't know. There was a lot of emotions. So yeah, I definitely needed to just sit with it and just stare at it for a while. My husband's very, Aaron's very like comforting and peaceful. Like he's a very like, he's like a rock. So it's not that I was scared of him or anything. I just didn't know what to do with all the feelings. But it was kind of nice after I told him the next day, we did like a little like picnic in the park. And there's like a beautiful sunset. It sounds really cheesy, but there's like this beautiful sunset that night. And we were just sitting there talking about like what our lives would look like, what we wanted for our baby. And it was just so beautiful. And then that way, that's when I felt like at peace. And I was like, okay, we can do this probably.

With asterisks, like probably.

Yeah, probably.

I don't know. But no, that's so sweet. That's so beautiful. And I feel like that's something that I could relate to more than, I don't know, sometimes those videos I see on Instagram of people being like, oh my gosh, yes. There's fireworks going off in the background. Like, I don't know. Like when big life changes come at me, I usually am like you're expressing, like I normally need a second to process. And so it's so sweet that y'all had that time to process together.

Yeah, those quiet moments are kind of like underrated, I think. Like it was nice just to like sit with the information and not, yeah, it wasn't this huge explosion of like, we're pregnant.

Yeah.

Which I know some people, that's how it is. But yeah, it was kind of just a quiet, like slow build.

Yeah, totally. Well, so how was pregnancy for you? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Was it in the middle somewhere?

Well, it's such a good question. I feel like I can't fully complain because I didn't have like a super rough pregnancy. I've had lots of good friends and who like, you know, can't get out of bed or like in and out of the hospital. Because pregnancy really is like your whole body changes, like every part of you changes. So I feel like my pregnancy was pretty like typical, like nothing went super wrong. Like I had nausea, but it wasn't that bad. And I had like back pain, but it wasn't like that bad, you know. But it definitely, I feel like more than like physically, it's just like such an emotional journey. You like feel like it's like out of body because you like stare at yourself and you're like, what is happening to my body? What is going on? I was also working the whole time I was pregnant. So it kind of just was like, I was in this mode of, I just got to keep going, do what I got to do, like whatever my doctors say, take my pills. Like I did a lot of like swimming just to ease some of like the pain in my back because I did have back pain. And like walking just to like keep healthy and moving. But yeah, I was working up until like two days before I gave birth. So I was just kind of pushing through. I wouldn't do that to my body again. I would kind of learn my lesson. I think I was in this like, woman can do anything. Like, my body is strong. I'm making a human. I can also work. I can also do everything. So I definitely, I think I pushed myself as much as I could because I didn't have like extreme like health concerns. Like everything was pretty normal. But yeah, it definitely takes a toll. I look back and I look back at my like pictures and talking to my husband about it. And he was like, you were just so tired. You're so emotional. Like just watching simple movies, I would just cry if there was like a kid who was like sick or tired or like not okay. Like, or like in trouble, I would just bawl like the whole movie. Well, there's like so many emotions, so many feelings, so many like changes in your body. I definitely felt when I was pregnant that I like needed more support, like community support. Like, my doctors and my OB was super nice and very good with like keeping track of like my schedule and you know, my appointments and checking the baby. But I feel like if I brought something up like, hey, I have really bad like indigestion and my back is killing me, like is there anything we can do? And I feel like a lot of the answers were like, yeah, that's pretty typical. Like, you know, sit up at night, it's really bad when you're sleeping. But I was really blessed to have like other moms. And like one of my best friends, she has two babies. Like we just, we were pregnant around the same time. So she was like, hey, this really works. Try this, try this, try this. She would send me like links to Amazon things she bought. And I feel like that is like what saved my pregnancy because I was able to have someone who had already gone through it, like the nitty gritty of it, like the day by day, and then say, like, this will help instead of, oh yeah, that's normal. Like, it's good to hear that it's normal, but also it's not normal for me, you know? Like, I don't have to deal with that every day. Or I didn't have to before this. So it was uncomfortable and I needed help. So yeah.

That's such a poignant thing to observe too. It's like, yes, this is normal, but this is my first time experiencing this new normal. So I feel like that's something that has been a blessing for our generation. Like, we have each other, but we also have social media. I mean, sometimes I feel like we have too much access to all the different things that it's, like, overwhelming, but it can kind of make up the difference for the, like you said, like, for the nitty-gritty, day-to-day experience of that.

Yeah. And I think a lot of pregnancy is centered on, like, is baby okay? And I definitely feel that, like, felt that as a mom. Like, I wanted my baby to be okay. There's a lot of anxiety around that and just concern. And I'm grateful that they took care of baby and they were checking her and making sure everything was growing well. But there was, it was also happening in my body. So I just needed just more, like, I needed more reassurance, I think, and I needed things just to be more about how my body is changing as well. I understand that, like, after the baby's out, you know, things change and it won't be like that forever. But some things, like, were long term, like my back pain, like, never went away until I fixed it. Like, I had to go to a public for therapist, and I'm grateful they have those. But yeah, some of the changes that happened in my body during pregnancy never changed or never went back to normal completely. So, it was really helpful. Even just, like, things like exercises, like, my friend and I would do exercise together, or she would tell me about exercises I could do, like, I did prenatal Pilates, which sounds kind of funny, but it was really helpful. And just, like, daily, like, exercise I would do at night to help, like, with the muscles that were literally stretching and moving so far apart and not doing things that felt natural, so... And it really helped my recovery, like, postpartum because I was doing that throughout, and that was not any information I ever got for my OB. It was just all through friends, and, yeah, social life online resources, so it was kind of crazy.

No, yeah, I feel like those can be underrated, and honestly, like, that's a hope I have for the podcast, is that it can kind of just be, like, more examples of utilizing those resources. And that actually leads really well into my next question. I was curious, like, what else did you do to mentally and physically prepare for labor and delivery?

Yeah, that, I feel like I could have done more, probably, because I almost didn't, like, know what I was getting into. But yeah, I talked, again, I talked to a lot of people that I knew had gone through it, and what their process was. I did some, like, online classes where you kind of, like, raise your pain tolerance, or learn how to, not raise your pain tolerance, but I did online classes where you learn to work through pain, through, like, kind of meditation, and, like, breathing exercises, and, like, grounding, and having partners to ground you with. So Aaron and I did that a lot. Like, they have part of, like, part of it is you hold ice for, like, hold ice for, like, a minute, and then you slowly increase the time. I think that's maybe, like, a popular one, but that's just, like, one example of things that I did where I could, like, focus on how to breathe, how to work through, like, my body, just having normal reactions, normal experiences that needed to happen, but that weren't necessarily, like, hurting me. You know, like, weren't life or death, right? Although sometimes it feels like it, but... So I did a lot of meditation. I feel like the Pilates also helped me because I strengthened my pelvic floor, and that's really important for birth. Just having, like, a good pelvic floor and just those muscles all down there. Like, Aaron did a lot of, like, massages for me. I don't know if that's, like, TMI, but...

No, no, not too TMI for me, truly.

Yeah, I did a lot of perineal massages. You know, I also, like, changed my diet a lot, like, based on what my friends and, like, people around me had said. That can kind of help your body just prep for it.

Yeah. Well, you say you didn't do a lot of prep, but I feel like that's a lot of prep. I mean, I'm sure there's no amount that ever feels like enough, but I'm just glad that you had the support of your friends and your sweet Aaron throughout your pregnancy. Well, let's just dive right in to your beginning stages of labor and how you feel like that all went for you.

Labor: Late Stage Epidural + Supportive Husband, Mom, & Medical Staff

Yeah. I feel like it was, like, ingrained into my brain, everything that happened. I had to, like, write it down. I was just, like, a whole, yeah. So, like I said, I was working up until, like, two days before I went into labor. I don't know why I decided that I wanted to work, like, up until my 40 weeks. I think it was just, like, one of those first mom things where I was like, I can do it. And so, yeah, I was working and I was, like, crawling on the floor and with these kids. And then one day, I just, like, couldn't do it anymore. Like, my body was just killing me. And so, I texted my boss and I was like, hey, I just need to be done. I've talked to my doctor and he's like, you need to take it slower, like, you're doing too much. And, like, I have a great boss and she was really, really great about it. So, like, that week, I just stayed home. I, like, instead of doing my full, like, last week of work, I just finished the week before, like, that Friday. And it was nice. It was just nice to, like, sit. And my, but my body was, like, hurting, like, especially in, like, my pelvic area. I was like, wow, I'm really feeling the pressure, like, the baby's, like, feeling really heavy. And then that night, I was, like, I had never, I was, like, really proud of myself that I was, like, working really hard on my pelvic floor and was not, like, peeing myself, like, every five seconds. And so I, like, woke up, and I felt like I had gone to the bathroom, and I was just, like, really annoyed, so I woke up, went to the bathroom, and it was just, like, happening very often, like, almost every 30 minutes to every hour. And then that's, like, when the alarms kind of went off in my head, like, maybe this isn't pee, maybe something else is going on. And I woke up Aaron, and it was probably, like, 4.30, 5.00 in the morning at this point, and I was like, hey, I think my water broke. Aaron was, like, freaking out. He's like, okay, let's go to the doctor. But I was like, no, just, like, let's just calm down. Like, I don't know what it is yet. Let me Google it and make sure, like, it is what I think it is. I called my mom, bless her heart, like, 5.00 in the morning. I was like, mom, I think my water broke. And she was super great. She's, like, worked in health care for a long time, so she was very calm, like, again, talked me through everything. And then around, like, 6:00 a.m., I was still, like, there's still a lot of liquid coming out, and it was clear. And I was like, okay, I think it's time to go in. 

Thankfully, we're, like, two minutes from our hospital. And they let me in, and the nurse was super nice. I, like, handed her my birth plan. And she's like, wow, you came so prepared. I'm like, yeah, I'm probably just, like, too controlling, but I just need to, I need to have a plan. And so she, you know, they checked you out. And I think I was nervous. I've heard a lot of women go in, and it's, like, a false alarm. So I was trying to wait it out. My doctor and I did decide, like, based on, like, things I look at right before you give birth that as soon as my water broke, I needed to be in the hospital. And so, like, my plan was to, like, labor mostly at home and then go to the hospital, but because my water broke super early, we just needed to be there. 

And so she checked me, and she was like, yeah, you definitely, your water broke. And then she's like, you're also four centimeters dilated. And I was like, what? I had no idea. She's like, yeah, you're having a contraction right now. I'm like, okay. Sounds good. And Aaron's like, are you in pain? I was like, I mean, I've been in pain for like the last two months, so yeah. But it kind of made sense that like I was pushing myself at work, and just that extra pain, I didn't realize that I was actually dilated the whole time, and that my body was just like slowly going to labor. So they admitted me, and you know, shout out to Spanish Fork Hospital. They're amazing, and the nurses there were incredible, and the room is incredible, and they had a nice place that I could go into the water if I wanted. I really wanted to get like a moving, because they have to check the heart, you know, like the heartbeat the whole time to make sure everything's okay. But they have one that they strap on to you, so you can be like moving around and on like those medicine balls, and just like really working through the contractions. So I had a pretty great like just team around me. I felt really supported. My husband was there. This was like literally the day I turned 40 weeks. So my mom wasn't here yet. She was going to fly in from California. Obviously, I was telling her like, yeah, I'm going to labor. She bless her heart. She bought a ticket right then and was like flying over. And she's like, I'm going to be there by 5 p.m. 

So yeah, I just had such great support. My husband, like we worked through all those, like I said, we did a lot of like prep before. So we just really like locked in and got me like stretching and moving my body so I could work through all the pain and all the contractions with me. And it was just really helpful to have those people around me. The nurses are really great. They would check me. I was like gaining momentum, you know, like my contractions are getting closer together. And I was dilated about eight centimeters by that point. So like it was going good. And again, I loved my nurses. And one was like, your body is doing what it needs to do. Cause you know, I wasn't like happy. Like I was crying through all this. Like it's not like a super like easy process. I wasn't comfortable, but I was like at peace that I knew that's what my body was doing. And I had people to support me. And she kept telling me, your body is doing what it needs to. Your body is working with you. And that just like really calmed me as I was going through those contractions, especially when they got closer together. This was, so I got there at like 6 a.m. Around like 7 p.m. I was still like going through it. And I even asked my nurse like, is something wrong? Why is it taking forever? Like, I kept seeing like other moms like be done, you know, like I like there was a mom on the other room and she like had given birth. And I had gone there before her and I was like, is something wrong with me? And so I just had like, again, really great team and everyone was assuring, reassuring me that it's just normal. Everybody's body is different. This is your first time doing this. Your body is doing what it needs to do. It's just going to take the time that it needs to take. And I love that. I felt that was really reassuring to me. I had this moment where, when I walked in, into the room where I would be laboring and where I would have my baby, they had like a little set up for her ready, like a little bed with like the typical blanket that you see like all babies have, like we all have in our baby pictures. And I like felt so calm when I saw that. And also just like so excited. I think before that, everything was just a whirlwind of, okay, my water broke and let's get you in this and blah, blah, blah. You know, just there's so much going on so fast.

Yeah.

And just I kept like just looking at that and like centering myself on that, like I will see my baby soon. She's going to be here. And so that really helped me through, I think all the hard labor and the contractions that just got worse and worse. I eventually, I told myself that I wanted to like just work through them as long as I can. And then I did want to use like a bedroll if I needed it. And around like 6, 7 p.m., it had been so long, like, yeah, 12 hours plus of labor. And my body was just like giving up a little bit. Like I was resting, but it was just really, really hard. I was, I kind of stopped dilating a little bit. Like my contractions were still close to each other, but it was just like that for hours. And I was just kind of at my breaking point. So I got an epidural, which was really scary. But right before, like, they started the process, my mom like broke each other, broke. And she's like, I made it, I made it. And so that was like super nice. Like as soon as my mom got there, I felt like I had been like crying through things and like but trying to stay strong. And as soon as my mom came through, I don't know, like something just like broken me a little bit or just like relaxed and I just like balled in my mom's arms. It was just so nice to have her there. And just to know that she like worked so hard to get there too. I just wanted my mom, you know, we're like all just girls at the end of the day. Like I was just a girl still. So I just needed my mom and her help, even though I was about to become a mom. So yeah, that was really nice. 

And I got my epidural and that really helped, like ease the pain. And it really was another, like how many hours of, I ended up giving birth, like she finally was born at 3 a.m. that day. So like more than, so like almost 24 hours at the hospital, just like laboring. And I definitely didn't want, I kept telling like my nurses, I don't want to use like pitocin or anything. I just want to let my body do what it needs to do. But right before she came out, she's such a, like she's a stubborn two year old. So she was a stubborn baby. She like would like poke her head out and then like go right back and like poke her head out and then go right back in. We did that for like two hours. And by like the last 10 minutes, my contractions stopped being close together. They started being like two to three, five minutes apart. And so my doctors were kind of worried that my body was just trying to slow down because they thought that the baby was coming out or whatever. And so I got a little bit of pitocin right at the end. And it literally like a minute or two later, she came out because my contractions started coming back fast. Yeah, it was such a beautiful moment. I feel like it's hard to explain it. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it, but you feel like everything's coming down to you and your baby at that moment, and everyone's working hard. It's almost like in movies where everything's like slow motion around you. And, you know, like my mom's like caressing me and like telling, you know, using like affirmations we talked about, and Aaron's like holding up like my legs. I was like so weak and tired. The nurse next to me, again, like she, they were so great, and she was like, you can do this, mama, you got this. Like everything was just so slow, and I was like, the baby is coming. And I just like, I was just done. I was like, just, you got this. Just come out, please. And so like one second, I was thinking that and like watching everyone around me, and the next, I was holding my baby. That's kind of how it felt. And it was just so beautiful to have her there. She was a quiet baby, so they kind of had to make sure she was like breathing, but she just had little quiet cries, so it was really cute. And lots of tears. It was beautiful to see like, you know, my mom hold her grandbaby, and my husband hold her daughter, hold his daughter, and he was crying. Like, I think I have this little video that my mom took where he's just like laying his head on my head, and we're just like crying together as she's like on my chest. Like, it just feels like even though I'm the one who did it, like my body was the one that went through everything. It just was such a community feel in that moment, and I really loved that. So it was really beautiful. I think about the last part a lot. 

I did tear, like, I think it was a two-degree, or what do they call it, a second-degree tear. I did get a second-degree tear. So they had to stitch me up, like, really fast. And by then, my epidural had slowly, like, you know, they have to up it every so often, and it was already leaving my body. And so he was, my OB was great, and he moved really fast, like, did a great job. But that part actually hurt the most out of all of it. Like, pushing the baby just felt, like, so, like, natural. Like, yes, this is what's going on. It's hurting, but, like, you're working towards something. Getting the stitches, I actually had, like, which I found out is the real thing, like, postpartum nightmares about that, like, almost, like, PTSD, where you relive those moments that were really traumatic. And I relive, I relive that a lot in my dreams because I could feel, like, the needle going in and out, and everything down there is just so sore, and, like, there's just any, it's almost like a release, like, once the baby comes out. So I felt like my body was, like, coming off of it, and then all of a sudden, I'm, like, getting stitched up. And they had to, like, you have to do it right then, and I'm very grateful that it happened. And so quickly and so cleanly, like, I recovered really well after. But in the moment, it was so bad. Oh, my gosh. It's so funny, my mom always tells me about that day. She's like, I felt so, like, happy, so excited. Like, I hated to see my baby in pain, but you did amazing. She's like, the only part where I, like, couldn't look, where I was, like, crying was when you were getting the stitches, because your face, like, all the pain was, like, on my face. But it's okay. It healed. I'm glad that it wasn't worse. I know, like, those can get way worse, and my body's fine now. But I still had, like, yeah, I think about that moment a lot.

Oh, my gosh. I'm, like, oh, I'm, like, tensing. And cringing, just, like, thinking about that. Like, oh, my gosh. Just, like, that would hurt so bad just on, like, a normal canvas, right, if you had to get stitches down under for any reason. Let alone having just gone through 24 hours of labor on top of nine months of pregnancy. Like, all that pressure. Oh, my gosh. I would just, ugh. That's horrible. It is.

Like, it was. But, yeah, everything else is pretty normal. So you're just super tired, and you're wearing a diaper in this hospital, and it's just, and that's what it is. But you just get to hold the baby, which I feel like is, like, just life changing. And just, I still look at those pictures of when she was just all swaddled up and in my arms. And I like, Aaron, I will look at him at night sometimes and, like, cry, because he's so old now. And she was just so tiny. But, yeah, it was, there was a lot of, like, chaos. I feel like so much, like, going on. And so many people, like, supporting you. But then I have, like, a lot of these memories of just, like, these quiet moments. Just, like, being able to look at my baby or hold her or watch Aaron, like, half asleep on the chair, like, trying to pat her, you know? And those moments, I feel like, are what is, like, overwhelmingly, like, what I remember and what I cared about. Like, there's all the hard stuff, you know, like, when I'm going to the bathroom, when you're, like, what is going on with my body right now, like, literally have to have someone, like, wipe me, you know what I mean? Or, like, put water down there, and, like, wearing these diapers, and just, like, not sleeping at all. But, yeah, there's these little pockets of peace that I always remember and still cherish. Just, yeah, it's a miracle that I always tell people that. I'm like, it's a miracle that it happened, that my body was able to get pregnant, and a miracle that she came, and everything was great. Like, just miracle after miracle to have her here, so.

Yeah. No, that's so sweet to see how the whole experience kind of mirrors itself, right? Like, of those little moments you'll have together, right, as you found out that you were pregnant, the community you felt during pregnancy, and even just seeing, like, how it's reflected in that immediate postpartum experience, or, like, your whole labor experience. So it's so sweet and beautiful that there's, like, that common thread running throughout. I'm curious, how did it go transitioning from taking baby home to, like, really shifting into parenthood from your pregnancy experience?

Postpartum: Raw Emotions + Relying on Others for Support

Yeah, I feel like that was so hard. But, again, I had a lot of support. My mom stayed. My dad ended up coming the next few days with my brother. I had my in-laws that were, like, dropping by sometimes to help as well. And so, yeah, it was just, it was a lot of support. But also, I think as a mom, like, postpartum, just felt very lonely, very, like, I just didn't even know who I was. I think that was the hardest part. Like, I would look in the mirror, I'm like, I don't recognize my body. I don't recognize, like, my emotions right now. Like, you know, you're just, like, all those hormones drop, and then, like, you're dealing with, like, breastfeeding. I did end up breastfeeding her, and that was really hard. Thankfully, like, through the hospital that I gave birth in and my insurance, like, I was able to get, like, consultations with someone there that that's what they do. And I remember, like, Aaron took me in, I literally cried in her office, because I was like, I thought I wouldn't be able to figure it out. Like, I couldn't figure it out by myself, even though I watched, like, every video available on Earth. She just had, like, the little tricks, you know, that I needed to help, like, the milk flow and latching and all that stuff. And again, everyone that I've worked with, like, was just so reassuring. Like, you were doing amazing, and I really needed to hear that. And because I think the first feeling as a mom is, like, just intense mom guilt. Like, I've already left out this little baby. Which is so crazy. I've talked to so many of my friends about that. Like, the guilt just never ends. And I wish there was, like, a better way to go around it. But I did feel like a lot of moms knew that, and a lot of people around me knew that. So they were really, like, trying to, like, help me up and say, like, you are doing amazing. You are not going to be perfect. Just keep trying, you know? So that's really, like, what parenthood was those first, like, few months where you're just exhausted. Like, you're waking up every three hours to feed in the night, and then just, like, daily battles of, like, what does this little person need? I don't know what to do. 

She wasn't eating at first, so, like, we had to go in again. And thankfully, like, everybody is, like, watching out for you. And, um, but, yeah, it just, like, intense, like, pressure to help this little baby and still recover yourself, like, finding this new identity as, like, a mother and as a father. You know, Aaron didn't go through, like, the physical changes, but I definitely saw, like, how many changes he went through, too, and as changes as a couple. Like, we were not the same couple that we were before we had her, even when we were pregnant. You know, like, it just changes so fast overnight, and it's just so exhausting. So I was really grateful for the family that was here to watch her. I definitely had, like, nights where she was just crying, and, like, we didn't know what to do. Aaron was tired, and I was tired, and my mom would come in, and she's like, let me hold her. You guys sleep for two hours, or three hours, or whatever, or until she needs to be fed again. And, like, those are moments I never forget, because I was just, like, crying on the floor. You know, I'm like, I don't know what to do with this baby. And Aaron was trying to comfort me, but also didn't know what to do. Bless his heart. And so I had a lot of moments like that where they just stepped in and helped support, because you just don't know what you're doing. Like, I feel like we watched and read everything we could. We had so many like family members or friends, like, tell us about their experiences. But it's so unique to you in the moment and to your family, whatever it looks like. And it's just, you learn literally by the second, by the minute, what the baby needs, what you need. So yeah, it was a lot of trying, a lot of like, like reassurance every day. Thankfully, I healed really well and it just took, you know, the time that it needed to take. But it was definitely like an uphill battle every day.

Absolutely. No, I super appreciate the honesty of that truly, like, and the vulnerability of sharing, because I feel like there's often a filter put over those first few weeks or months for whatever reason. And I'm sure you're not alone in those feelings, but we don't always talk about them. And so it's super helpful, especially like for people like me, who have not gone through it myself. It's super helpful so that I can be more aware of my friends in that immediate postpartum and kind of understand what they're going through better. So thank you for sharing that. And also, again, like, just to that thread of community, I can see how that thread, it's been a part of you as long as I've known you. And now I can see that it's just a part of your family's makeup, you know, not just you and Aaron, but beyond. So it's just really sweet to see all of that throughout.

Thanks. Yeah, they definitely made the difference.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, so you mentioned before that you're also currently working as a speech pathologist again. How did that transition go? What did you notice was different now that you're a mom? I mean, other than, like, everything.

Returning to Work: Mom Guilt & Putting Your Child First

Yeah, so I went back to work three months when she was three months old. So thankfully, I had, like, my maternity leave, but then I also had the summer because I work at a school. So she timed it really well when she decided to come into this world. So yeah, I went back when I was three months, and I was really blessed again to have, like, my mom. She came and started living with us and she was watching her, which, like, I will forever talk about what a huge blessing that was. And just that I even had that blessing to have someone help me, like, so close in my own home with my baby. But yeah, I went back full time, and that was, just like all this, it was like a huge learning curve, really hard, lots of hard days. I was, like, still breastfeeding at the time, so I was pumping at work. Just like, I don't know, I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to, like, bother anybody, or just, like, put my head down and work and do what I need to do. So I feel like when you have a three-month-old, that's just not possible at work, no matter how hard you try. So, you know, I always had to, like, oh, I'm sorry, I have to go pump. And I regret feeling so bad about that now. Like, I wish I'd just been like, yeah, this is what I'm standing up for myself, I need to do this. But I didn't want to, like, feel, I think there's this pressure in society to feel like you can do it all as a woman, and show that even if you have a child, you can still be the same person that you were before, or still work as much as you can. And so I felt that pressure for sure. And maybe it was mostly put on by myself. Like, no one necessarily told me that. But so yeah, it was just a hard transition, trying to figure out pumping, and still like I'm missing my baby so much, but still like enjoying working. Like I went back to work because we needed it, but also because I enjoy my profession, and I just enjoy working in general. So it was good for me to like be out there and do what I like and like feel more like myself. But you know, my pants don't fit me, my work pants, so I had to buy new clothes. And again, the guilt of like leaving my baby, but knowing that I'm providing for her. So like so many feelings all at once. And I'm grateful for the moms that I had in my life that were like, even the moms that didn't work, you know, that were just working at home, like that didn't need to go to like an office or like I was. And they're like, yeah, this is hard all around. Either way, it's hard. You never are not feeling guilty or sad or it's just hard being a mom. But two years later, it's still hard. Like, you know, she gets sick and I have to like come and get her. Or, you know, I miss seeing her face. But I'm grateful that again, I've had the support and I've been able to like make it work because I have family that helps me and a husband who helps me. So it does work out.

Yes. What a sweet reminder. And I mean, not to keep like quoting you back to you, but I'm thinking about even like your birth experience, right? It was like a framework, but probably not going to feel or look exactly what you think it will. But you'll find a way through, right? Like it'll work itself out. So not to keep, you know, harping on the same things. But I just think it's really sweet and poetic even.

Yes. Well, that's why moms are amazing because we're resilient. That's why women are so resilient.

Yes.

And we push the boundaries and we make it work even when, like, society or even if your own family isn't set up for it to make, to work, you make it work for the love of your child. And I do that every day. So this is like a little off topic, but I just went on that trip and we went hiking and she is like a huge explorer. So she was running up, it's like by the coast. And we were going down like a little like narrow path to get to the water. And I grabbed her because she was like, it was just too narrow for her. And so I was hiking with her and I had another friend in front of me and she kind of slipped a little bit in front of me, like on the downhill. She was like, watch your step. I was like, okay. And I totally slipped. And you know, usually you just like catch yourself, but like I decided like just instinct, right? Everything's so like off instinct to like protect Maya. So I fully scraped up my leg, like just like total pain. It's really bad. Like, I'll show you.

Oh my gosh, Anahi. Oh my gosh!

Yeah. Like really, really bad. I know y'all can't see this at home, but it is gnarly. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

But again, it's like mom and things like I would, I made sure she didn't have a scratch on her. She didn't even get dirt on her. Like, you know, you just do, you sacrifice for your baby and you make it work no matter what, even if it hurts you sometimes. And it's funny, like that always happens. Even two years later, like you put your babies first. And I am grateful for like an incredible husband who says, hey, hey, you can't always put everyone else before you. And he's been really good about like helping me take care of myself and not lose myself in the process. I think that's really important for moms to not just like give everything and not get put anything back in your own cup. I got that scratch and or that whatever it is. And he came and took care of me. And, you know, he still let me have like a little vacation stuff for that. Like, you really need people like that in your life, because as a mom, you just like give everything to your kids. And then you never take care of yourself. And that's not sustainable or healthy. And so I'm really grateful for like people who've like advocated for me in my life since I've become a mom to say, hey, you need time for yourself. You need to prioritize your health, yourself, your interests. And I don't think a lot of women have that voice, like in their own heads or in their life. So sorry, I always want to say that, because I think that's so important that I forget.

Yeah, well, I'm so glad that you said that, because I mean, first of all, I 100% agree. I think it's such an important quality to look for as you're like building the support system of your life. And it's not necessarily something you like think of when you're even deciding like your friends, but like especially dating and falling in love and making decisions about like who you want to be the parent of your future children. So, I mean, I think that that's a quality that I've seen in my own husband, too. That's just been like an extra blessing, because I don't know how it would be if he wasn't that way, because like, I'm already psycho enough. And so, it would be a bad time if he wasn't so sweet.

Bless the great men in their lives.

Yes. Amen to that. Absolutely. Well, just to finish, I would love to ask you, like if you could go back in time, what is one thing that you would tell your pre-mom self?

To My Pre-Mom Self…

That's a really good question. I’ve never thought of that..

Yeah, I feel like I kind of mentioned this earlier, but there's just so, again, so much guilt, so much, like you're just so hard on yourself as a woman, and then as a mom, then as a partner, as a daughter, whatever, et cetera, et cetera. And so, I feel like if I could sit myself down before I got pregnant and just let that Anahi know that she is loved and that she, I know she's going to do her best no matter what happens. And even I would bring Aaron into that. Aaron, you're going to do your best, and you guys are gonna love each other and love that baby the best you can, and love yourself the best you can, and that's all you can do, and that's enough. I think there's so many times I felt like I failed in whatever capacity, whether that was I didn't spend enough time with my baby, or I kept falling asleep, and I, or I should have done this, should have done that, or I should have tried to be a better wife again, you know, and I know Aaron felt that way too. He felt like he could have been a better husband at times, even though like he literally woke up with me every three hours the whole time, and like brought me food and helped change her and woke me up when I was like half asleep, and you know, like my, I wasn't feeding her the right way, like, you know, like we both tried so hard because we love each other, and we love that baby, and I know I did that, but in the moment, I didn't think that, and I still, I think, have moments like that where I just feel like I failed as a mom, and I just, that's something that I'm reminding myself now, like, I'm further away from those experiences, like, two years out, and I wish I could tell myself that before, that you are incredible, or you're not going to be perfect, but you are enough. Everything that you do will be enough, and will be what your baby needs. Like, she will feel that love from you. So, yeah, I wish I had, someone had told me, I think people tried to tell me, but coming from myself, I think it would have been better.

Totally, totally, no. That's so beautiful. I feel like even just like in my own life, not being a mom, just like as a woman, I feel like we put all these extra layers of guilt on ourselves for some reason. And like, if Nate could hear this, he'd be like, uh-huh, yep, that's what I've been trying to tell you. But I think it's a good thing to be aware of and like, try to catch yourself in the middle of those bad, or like, or I don't want to say bad, those like unhelpful thought patterns, right? So thank you. Thank you so much, Anahi, for sharing your experience today and for your beautiful reflections on the whole process. I was just like sucked in. From the minute you started talking to the minute you stopped, it was just so beautifully put. And I'm just so grateful to be your friend and to see this amazing transformation that you as a family have gone through. And so I know there's a lot of people out there that feel more seen and more understood because of what you shared today. So truly thank you so much.

Thanks Emily, you're the best.

YOU are the best.

Thanks for the space.

Alright, y'all, a huge thanks to Anahi for being on the podcast today. Isn't her story just so beautiful? I don't know about you, but I like I want to go cook a meal for somebody or something. I just feel so motivated to be a better friend, and that's just who Anahi is. She is just somebody that lives her life very intentionally. And as much like crazy fun and everything that we had together in college, what really made her friendship so dear was the enduring nature of it. She's not just a fair weather friend, she is a friend that you can talk to when things get real. And as you can see, she talks about things very wisely and just level-headedly. And so I'm so grateful to be her friend. I'm also just like, I'm thinking of this video I saw recently. I'll have to find it and I'll repost it on Instagram. So follow along at Instagram if you're not already. But it makes you think of this video I saw of these three girlfriends that were all dressed up like professional house cleaners. And they like loaded up with all their cleaning supplies onto like those bus or subway or something to go clean their freshly postpartum friend's house. And that's just like the vibe that I have after talking to Anahi. So yeah, I'll have to repost that. 

But real quick before you start making a crock pot meal or like crocheting someone a sweater, I just want to give a big thank you to you. Thank you so much for being here every week and being a part of this big friend group. I'm just over the moon with how this community is already growing. So check right now, look at your phone, or if you're driving, don't look at your phone, maybe pull over or wait till you're at a stoplight or something. But check your phone, make sure you're subscribed by clicking the follow button so you don't miss an episode. And then it'll like pop up in your library week after week. All right, friend, same time next week.

K, love you, bye!